One partner values holidays, and the other doesn’t?

Question

Would you consider this a deal breaker? Let’s say A was told that if they did not attend a gathering (due to personal reasons/ discomfort), the relationship would be over? Should A just throw in the towel. The fact that B said they’d end the involvement over A not attending a family gathering?

Answer 1

DrunkAss | 51 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Xper 6

I'm one of those. I sort of don't give a shit about Holidays. But my wife does. So she just reminds me and I'm like, "Oh yeah, Thanksgiving! Let's do it! Turkey." Also birthdays. "Oh yeah, it's my birthday! Bring on the strippers!" You know, cause I don't really notice usually. That said if someone said that if I don't do something or else the relationship is over, I'm shooting the hostage. The relationship is over. I'm not gonna be pressured like that in any relationship, ever.

Asker

1 mo
Thank you. I’m feeling like that is the best thing to do for sure. Thank you so much.
DrunkAss

1 mo
Cheers! Well, the problem for me with ultimatums is that if I sink into them, who knows when it'll stop? This is not a healthy style of communication. This is forceful. This is blackmail. I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone who feels they can muscle me that way. Persuade me to go to the party. Don't force me and say, "Or else." You know? Like if you have a really good partner, "Or else" should never be a part of the convo.
Asker

1 mo
I agree. I love your insight, and I totally agree.

Answer 2

Asker

Thank you. I’m feeling like that is the best thing to do for sure. Thank you so much.

Answer 3

DrunkAss

Cheers! Well, the problem for me with ultimatums is that if I sink into them, who knows when it'll stop? This is not a healthy style of communication. This is forceful. This is blackmail. I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone who feels they can muscle me that way. Persuade me to go to the party. Don't force me and say, "Or else." You know? Like if you have a really good partner, "Or else" should never be a part of the convo.

Answer 4

Asker

I agree. I love your insight, and I totally agree.

Answer 5

WesBrewer | 309 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Xper 7

It wouldn't be a deal-breaker if my girlfriend didn't want to go to a family gathering with me and she also didn't want me to come, but I would be pretty confused on why not, but if we had been dating and this is the second year of events I would start rethinking our relationship if she still didn't want me to come.

Asker

1 mo
Thanks, and I get that. Same. The thing is though.. I’ve attended last years gatherings, but this year I’d rather sit them out. I’m not even doing much with my family. Or anything at all really. I’m cooking at home, and spending time with you indoors. I was planning to not go going forward.
WesBrewer

1 mo
well, I would understand taking a break this year but I would still want to bring you to some holidays in the coming years.

Answer 6

Asker

Thanks, and I get that. Same. The thing is though.. I’ve attended last years gatherings, but this year I’d rather sit them out. I’m not even doing much with my family. Or anything at all really. I’m cooking at home, and spending time with you indoors. I was planning to not go going forward.

Answer 7

WesBrewer

well, I would understand taking a break this year but I would still want to bring you to some holidays in the coming years.

Answer 8

potatoiswhoiam | 513 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Yoda

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Just because we're together it doesn't mean we need to appear at every event as a package. If he's not feeling it, it's fine.

Asker

1 mo
I agree with you, but him saying if I don’t come it’s over makes me question the involvement. I feel like my problems/ discomfort has been swept under the rug at the expense of his family. I’m feeling as if maybe, we just shouldn’t be together then.
Asker

1 mo
Well granted we were to be getting married.. and it will be my family too. However, what about me? You know?
potatoiswhoiam

1 mo
If you're not into events and gatherings you shouldn't be pressured to go. I get it, maybe once in a while it's all cool, to see his family, pay some respect blah blah, but it shouldn't be your job. You guys should embrace each other for who you are.
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potatoiswhoiam

1 mo
I'm not a holiday person either, I know I'd respect some holidays, gatherings etc if my boyfriend is into that, but I would def not change myself for him.
Asker

1 mo
Thank you. I greatly value your opinion. I agree 100 percent.
potatoiswhoiam

1 mo
Yes, do break up if you both can't work this out, but only if it's really such a big deal breaker. Just make sure you don't make a stupid decision, cuz if the relationship is going really well (and that's up to you to decide) then some compromises can be made on both sides!

Answer 9

Asker

I agree with you, but him saying if I don’t come it’s over makes me question the involvement. I feel like my problems/ discomfort has been swept under the rug at the expense of his family. I’m feeling as if maybe, we just shouldn’t be together then.

Answer 10

Asker

Well granted we were to be getting married.. and it will be my family too. However, what about me? You know?

Answer 11

potatoiswhoiam

If you're not into events and gatherings you shouldn't be pressured to go. I get it, maybe once in a while it's all cool, to see his family, pay some respect blah blah, but it shouldn't be your job. You guys should embrace each other for who you are.

Answer 12

potatoiswhoiam

I'm not a holiday person either, I know I'd respect some holidays, gatherings etc if my boyfriend is into that, but I would def not change myself for him.

Answer 13

Asker

Thank you. I greatly value your opinion. I agree 100 percent.

Answer 14

potatoiswhoiam

Yes, do break up if you both can't work this out, but only if it's really such a big deal breaker. Just make sure you don't make a stupid decision, cuz if the relationship is going really well (and that's up to you to decide) then some compromises can be made on both sides!

Answer 15

Jamie05rhs | 1.1K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

Why would you not want to go? They're gonna have free food!

One partner values holidays, and the other doesn’t?

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