I'm talking about an 11 year marriage here so yeah. Definitely past the early stages.
Wow. That is really rough. That could be a real kick in the gut.
Been going throoouuugghh it. Very hard situation.
Did he ever want it?
I've had to force it for years. Mostly getting back stonewalling, disinterest irritation and derision.
Very tough.There's no way to give you advice, as the situation is complex.But I would recommend you look up the psychoanalyst Esther Perel on Audible or Spotify. She has free podcasts recorded, which are excerpts of her therapy sessions with clients, over a 30 yr period while in practice in NY. She now does much, much more than just couples' counselling. She lectures all over the world on relational health, both personal and in the work place. She's renowned, top of her field.Perhaps listening to the audio recordings of couples in therapy will job some ideas in your mind. And then you can take these to your husband, to discuss.It's powerful stuff, I swear.
Sorry, not sure about Audible, but definitely RadioPublic app. That's where I've listened to them.
Thanks! I will check it out. I'm sure it couldn't hurt.It is very complex and at this point in his life he isn't at all open to incorporating emotions into his relationships. He doesn't value them at all. I have put too much of myself in drawing out a person who doesn't want to be. I need to protect what's left of me at this point.
Re: UpdateI guess the issue is why he doesn't want to communicate.Would he say/believe that he is not that happy, but he also doesn't want to get out of the marriage?If he's not that content, but he doesn't want the [disruption, or whatever the reason], then maybe you two could work out a new paradigm/agreement, as to how to go forward. He HAS to talk sometimes. Tell him you want to approach this rationally, logically, you promise to do everything you can to hold it together emotionally, but you really need him to discuss what the plan is, should you both stay in this.It's your marriage, your life (and his) so it's not up to anyone else to demean you for what choices you might make. In that vein, I would suggest to you to consider more freedom for both of you. More independence. Friends, visits to family, some separate trips/vacation, more exploration on social media, or wherever, and yes, even explorations with the opposite sex. Maybe that's honestly what you both need. If you were not married, I'd say maybe go your separate ways, or, it's okay to try and open situation, if it was amenable to you both equally. But you're in the marriage, it's been over a decade, and you two deserve to find some resolution here. Whatever you decide, you could keep it between you two. Again, it's your life.
These are all good points. I feel that he isn't happy and just wants to keep everything Lake Placid on the surface because its been so long. He said marriage to him isn't about feeling fulfilled and that putting effort intonimproving a marriage isn't simething he sees as valuable. Im sorry but I'm too authentic for that. I will literally die from the inside out and Inwould rather be alone in that case. People say think of the kids. I am jist an anxiety ridden wreck who just half functions. That isn't the mother my kids need.
Did he have an accident or injury at some point? His attitude is a bit odd.Has he ever had affairs? Is he possibly in love with someone else, or has a side chick who he doesn't care about much but keeps him somewhat satisfied?What you have laid out is an impossible situation. You say you can't leave, but you can't live this way. He won't work with you on any sort of compromise. You're either a major defeatist, or can't bring yourself to do something that you know you need to do.I can't suggest anything more.
Oh no Im getting a divorce. I think something untoward may have happened in the past but Inhave no proof and I don't care.No I'm nit a defeatist. He even said to me you give 100% to those you love.
@AmandaYVR not looking for any help. Decisions have been. made. I posted this for discussion purposes.
I'm saying though...
Yes so that’s what I would say to them if they said that to me
No it really isn't. Obviously if you care about the relationship and the person you have to work at making them feel safe etc. But when onenparty spends years putting up new walls and blocks thebother party is too drained to continue.
Yes, this is an objectively necessary element for a relatinship to work. Any relationship really with the communication and reciprocity appropriate for said connection.
@Coulis thank you most appreciated
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Non communication and dismissing someone's fewlings is not a style
Oh wow! Ok so total deal breaker.
They say “communication is key” for a reason. Without it, its nothing more than a temporary physical connection
This is true. Communication and opening after the lusty phase is over is how to keep things going for sure.
Tbh, I need communication before i can even enter the lust phase
Mmmmmm. Does it have to be verbal communication or can it be through eye contact and body language?
Preferably verbal for mental connection... but eye contact and body language is more so communication towards a physical connection
Eye contact and body language doesn't mean shit to me. If it's not based on anything, it has no value.
@Jamie05rhs we kinda just said that lol
@DizzyDesii I know. :)
Psssh yeah. I mean romantic relationships are where expressing feelings are supposed to be safe since it isn't always appropriate to do so in most day-to-day interactions with the public.
Aren’t romantic relationships of the heart?
Well that's the hope, yes.
I had one like you described, very cold and distant
Oh how long did that last? What was the breaking point?
A couple years but enough is enough
Riiigghhht? I mean a relationship is essentially a state of communication between individuals.
^^ you get it.
Lies? Oh tell me more! I want to understand your perspective.
Open communication means being honest with yourself and other also means you trust the one you're Being open with also it means you know what do you want from this relationship , if the relationship doesn't have all these its doomed and I wouldn’t wanna participate in because i will give my all to this person and i will be open with
This is exactly exactly how I see a relationship. I don't know how one can be married until you die with a superficial connection.
Perceptive. What would "working out" mean. What could be a solution?
I mean that if the problems are present even after trying a lot to solve them then the relationship would probably be over. And the solution would depend on the problem. Some problems are solvable and some are not.
Yes, if someone just doesn't want to "play ball" it comes to a stalemate and dies.
Regarding your update, I can't really see how I'm staying in such a relationship but if I couldn't end the relationship then I guess I would be trying to solve the issues although I would not be very hopeful or maybe give the partner some space, like not talking for sometime and not sleeping in the same bed.(if we live together). I would distance myself until I feel like I miss my partner a lot.
This is a natural move. Putting some distance to kind of force a spark.
Yea I would miss the good old days and think about what went wrong from there.
Oh. Most certainly have. For montha for years. Entire family of emotio repressers and passive-agressives or just unpredictable rage. Analytical to a fault. Feelings make them uncomfortable so they refuse to deal with them. Also very stubborn. After 11 years I'm too too tired.
Ok. I see a pattern developing.
Someone else answered the exact same way. @DizzyDesii
Aaah, like that. It is true what she's saying.
Oh, I know you would!
Thanks for answering ✌
Since I found out that you two are actually MARRIED, I am going to have to amend my statement. I recommend seeking counseling.And MAYBE talk to his mom or his sister and ask them to tell him to stop being such a little bitch.I don't know. Do whatever you have to do to get through to his thick skull that this is IMPORTANT, and he is going to have to exhibit some growth if he wants his relationship with you to last.
This is just one aspect of the situation I was throwing out there. G@G opinions are notbhow I make these decisons, LOL. Thanks though. I've been the only one keeping it afloat for years, I now realise, and I'm simply drowning.
Meaning what exactly?
Thats what it means. Does it matter any more? Is it worth staying together? They said it already they don't give a s**t. Communication is must for relationships to survive and thrive.
To me it may mean, you can leave. I don't care.
It's like hitting a rock bottom. How low can you go?
hitting rock bottom*
Sigh. I guessed that's what you meant but wasn't sure. Yes, I see.
And what if is just what if. It can take you on world tour without you moving a single inch.
I know it was short and dry answer with some mean connotation to it too. Not purposefully though.
I am glad you asked.
Hope that what if in your question is not definite.
Hope it's not you who been told that.
@EaterPeter yes. This actually happened to me.
I am sorry to hear that.
It's all good.
Ok. Take care. All the best.