Search Results: my best friend gets mad because of my boyfriend

1. When a guy ask me out I assume he wants more
2. I get defensive quick, my first thought is cheating, failure or abandonment
3. I can talk openly and have deep conversation, but if a guy shows interest in a romantic way I freeze and run away I avoid conversation about it
4. Too scared to be sexual, cause I caught feelings for my friends with benefits and he didn’t want me in a romantic way (I am celibate because of it. Have been for years).
5. I am loving, witty, caring and open.
6. I love dates, but I don’t want to date I just want the guy I am supposed to be with sent from the heavens. And not do the work behind finding “the one”.
7. I can be unavailable emotionally and cold
8. Don’t like PDA or getting physical with anyone.
I love being single, love my freedom but I get lonely more often than I can count on two hands. And everyone around me are in love (friends and family). I am happy for them but I often look at my hopeless situation.
7. I feel bitterness towards men
8. I haven’t had the best experience with men. I have been sexually harassed/raped, my dad cheats on my mom all the time since I was a little girl, my first boyfriend left me for someone else, was in a abusing situation and my friends with benefits hurt my feelings.
9. Reading and hearing about men doing women wrong makes me explode even more, especially dating today and how gross we treat each other.

I am ready to shake it all off and start trusting again. I have been single for four years. I can’t keep up with this sad love life. I have used my free time on myself and I have found my passion (self discovery). I am not ready to fully commitment yet even if I miss the intimacy the most (I am still young, and enjoying life), but I am done being mad at men. They deserve better and so does my soul.

Advice?

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 and a half years now
But 1 month ago we broke up because he got fed up with my trust issues and accusing him of cheating/flirting with other women
he's never cheated on me but my ex boyfriend did so i still have trust issues
But 2 weeks later, he called me and wanted to get back together again and I apologized to him
So we got back together

Anyway so I know his passwords to everything
His phone, tablet, laptop, email, etc
I went on his phone messages last night (I know its bad but I wanted to know if he was seeing other girls during breakup)
I didn't find anything (as in he didn't add any girls or went to see another girl)
But I did find something
- he messaged his best friend and he sent a photo of this girl and he said to him "im talking to this hot chick, gonna be my new girlfriend, easy bro😂"

I got pissed
And confronted my boyfriend
And he said "yeah I went on dating app to get my mind off you, was talking to girls on it, added them on instagram. I talked to her but she got weird and started asking me dumb questions so I blocked her. You can check my instagram block list. I dont care. And plus I saw you on it too so I got more pissed and talked to more girls. But i didn't go see them"
And he showed me his block list and he did block that girl
And i said "if u want her or other girls, why come back to me?"
Then he replied "isnt it obvious? I still have feelings for you and I felt weird talking to those other girls anyway"