Search Results: watching abuse

There was a girl I used to/still kinda crushing on. I crushed on her because she was nice to me, smiled alot, and occasionally touched my hands or thighs in friendly love. I figured if I was myself (open minded nice person in general) and took in interest in her likings, then maybe I could create some kind of connection between us.

The more I spoke to her, the more I found out about her. She loved to watch/listen to Korean pop music and idolized the singers. They weren't really special to me, but I bothered to memorized their names to make her happy. She also liked watching male Asian gay p*rn. I would normally be repulsed by it by I watched tons of gay p*rn with her to make her happy.

Throughout that time, she never showed more interest in me than just loving my company as a friend. Heck, she officially called me her best friend. I don't have a problem being her best friend, but I had feelings for her. I put my own choices and likes aside, but for what? To have horrible memories about watching gay p*rn and reading her erotic stories about male korean pop idols fucking...

I feel abused. I'm in love with my best friend and can't leave her. I confessed my love to her. She rejected me and told me to stay. She said no one else did the things I do for her, but she just can't see me as her bf.

Did I do something wrong throughout the way or was she never attracted to me romantically to begin with?

How would you go about letting your family know you can't be near them and keep your sanity. Everything from high blood pressure to complete confusion for days on end happens when you get around them. You make money on the web but in their home you can't focus at all.

This isn't to say the outside world doesn't have its problems for you, but you manage to do far better the further you are away from this toxic environment.

So far I've let them all know I won't be back here physically ever again. The truth is I don't want any contact at all - the phone calls are always depressing, and they question my every move dismissively, with no perspective on how I'm making due.

To state it simply, when I come home I'm treated like a bumbling fool. The outside world is full of places I'm accepted and treated like an equal. But when I come here, it's a long downward spiral. Or a short one. Depends on who is around and if they have the need to feed on my flesh.

This family dynamic has me worried that I've developed a dependant personality disorder that has haunted me all my life. The more I read about it, the more I go to therapists, the more I'm convinced I need to alienate myself from my immediate family.

At the head of the clan is a matriarch, my mother, who is a sainted martyr. I will leave and now she will have an ongoing reason to suffer. When I come home she does nothing to dissuade the abuser(s) and prevents me from taking my own action. She let a manipulator abuse my sister and I all of our childhood. For this I resent her. It's like revisiting a haunted house and watching all the abuses happen again, on and on.

I don't want to feel this way ever again. I want to go out into the real world and break all ties. Am I being an a**hole? Is this too extreme? I would appreciate input.

Because every time I come home to visit, I end up feeling like this within a week or two.