Search Results: boyfriends mom hates me

1. When a guy ask me out I assume he wants more
2. I get defensive quick, my first thought is cheating, failure or abandonment
3. I can talk openly and have deep conversation, but if a guy shows interest in a romantic way I freeze and run away I avoid conversation about it
4. Too scared to be sexual, cause I caught feelings for my friends with benefits and he didn’t want me in a romantic way (I am celibate because of it. Have been for years).
5. I am loving, witty, caring and open.
6. I love dates, but I don’t want to date I just want the guy I am supposed to be with sent from the heavens. And not do the work behind finding “the one”.
7. I can be unavailable emotionally and cold
8. Don’t like PDA or getting physical with anyone.
I love being single, love my freedom but I get lonely more often than I can count on two hands. And everyone around me are in love (friends and family). I am happy for them but I often look at my hopeless situation.
7. I feel bitterness towards men
8. I haven’t had the best experience with men. I have been sexually harassed/raped, my dad cheats on my mom all the time since I was a little girl, my first boyfriend left me for someone else, was in a abusing situation and my friends with benefits hurt my feelings.
9. Reading and hearing about men doing women wrong makes me explode even more, especially dating today and how gross we treat each other.

I am ready to shake it all off and start trusting again. I have been single for four years. I can’t keep up with this sad love life. I have used my free time on myself and I have found my passion (self discovery). I am not ready to fully commitment yet even if I miss the intimacy the most (I am still young, and enjoying life), but I am done being mad at men. They deserve better and so does my soul.

Advice?

I had a hard past where I don't want it to interfear with me and my boyfriend relationship.. my boyfriend and I have been 11 months.. ( Aug- till now ) and 9 months living with him ( Oct-till now ) ...
My stepfather recently got shot and killed he was a motel clerk at a hotel in Seattle wa
After he got killed
My mother post on fb that everything is my fault and etc.. When she knows it not but ever since I was little I got blamed for everything and made to be looked like a bad guy.
Sunday I wanted to hurt my self and saying there is no point in living , and etc which I have family , friends, and my boyfriend and his family that loves me.. . and has my back.
It hurts my boyfriend Very much because I ain't my self I am depressed and sad
My cloesetfriend mom who is like a mom to me , and mg boyfriend and my step grandmother also said i need to go see someone..
( which I will eventually )

My grandmother wants me to come down there anytime.. but I don't know because last time I was down there my boyfriend started smoking again because he was stressed ( 😡😠😞😟😢😭☹🙁😔😕🤐) ( I am allergic to smoke and I hate when my boyfriend did that because it can hurt him I would be extremely depressed and sad if I saw him get hurt and or killed by that )
and she was trying to control me and etc.. but she said she will help me and my boyfriend so I could get some help.. to speak to someone..

So I guess my question is what should I do?