Search Results: shy around a crush

So whenever I lose at anything... whether it be a video game, a game of soccer, a drawing contest, a cooking contest, a running contest, etc... on the inside in my head, I just go completely nuts. I get so sad, angry, and depressed all in one, like you would not believe.

Luckily, I don't show it on the outside much... except for video games, on there I write derogatory things to the opponent, since it's online. But not when the person is actually there with me in the same room.

This is most prominent in video games, since there I play against 100+ users daily... but just whenever I lose in general, I go nuts on the inside. If it matters, this is more frequent in Super Smash Bros, since that's the game I play most.

But that's not the worst part about me... the worst part is the reason WHY I get so upset when I lose.

The reason I've been able to pinpoint is that I'm a madman who only wants power, a superior rank, and to be perfect. And whenever I lose... it shows I'm not as skilled, or powerful, or as perfect as I wish to be.

And I don't actually care for the people around me, which is why I'm so bitter on the inside when losing. I don't play to have fun with them. I play so I can show I'm the best. To show I'm perfect. To show I'm a winner. And whenever I lose... it just crushes what I hoped to acheive. And if I was physically strong enough, and the police didn't care, I would honesly punch whoever beat me to death.

Now the reason why I'm like this is because growing up I was always insecure and ranked below my peers in every way... I was meek, I was weak (both physically and mentally), I was really shy, I was too nice and afraid of saying no, people always took advantage of me, etc. And I also ranked below them... I always lost, I didn't have as much cool clothes or cool technology, etc.

And as a result, somewhere in my early teen years, like 13-16, I just got sick of it, and just wanted power and perfection more than anything.