Thank you!You would think many people on here (obviously the ones who engage in casual sex) often feel that 2 or 20 is the same thing and everyone has to accept it or they're xenophobics of some kind.
@dipta It is a peculiar perspective that differing views on sex won't weaken the founndation of a relationship.People don't bat an eyelash when others seek a romantic partner:- of the same age- of the same educational background- of the same religious faith- having similiar views on having & raising children- having the same political views- enjoying the same hobbies evenStrange thing to find that sex is so important (and also, so unimportant) that we dare not to speak of it honestly.That view is incoherent when taken at face value.Understanding it as a manifestation of wanting to "have your cake and eat it too" explains the behavior completely. This also reflects poorly on those who hold this view.
@dipta Think the same like he do yes numbers are not important!!
@paul6569 I think you are confused.@dipta and I agree.Numbers are important insofar as they identify the value that an individual has placed on sex.
@paul6569 Yes, I agree with gray_sailor. I've never said numbers are not important, on the contrary.A person who is selective enough not to share their body and intimacy with just anyone (if that's their reason) will have difficulties understanding and accepting someone who engages in casual sex, and probably the opposite is also true; the person engaging in casual sex will most likely see the other as a prude and maybe even boring.
Maybe this is unrelated, but in traditional societies - even when marriages were arranged - the important thing is that the bride was a virgin, ready to start a family, etc. Aside from that, the sexual criteria and compatibility didn't seem to matter that much.Of course, long gone are those days, now we live in an oversexualized society where you're pressured into wearing fit and revealing clothes and even performing in a certain way in bed in order to please your partner, or else (both men and women). Ironically, people seen to behave more and more egocentrically...At the same time, many people's reasoning and principles haven't changed as drastically and the promiscuous behavior is still not that widely accepted. Maybe they figure they might as well enjoy while they're young as everyone else is doing, but change their minds when they get older.
Thanks for the MHO.
@Toad-1 That'd be a huge conflict of interest, for me at least, if my boyfriend had bedded a huge amount of girls prior to me. Sex is a pretty big deal in my books so I don't think that would work in his favour if I found out that he treats it as more of a casual thing.I'd also feel uneasy about the whole STI/cleanliness issue, knowing he'd stuck it in so many women before being with me.
What if he declined to answer but showed you a std test showing he was clean?
@Toad-1 umm... I don't really know, tbqh. It's hard for me to say because I do know my boyfriend's history and vice versa. What would be his reasoning for declining to offer that kind of information?
I mean it's like asking about your previous relationships, ones that didn't go well, or maybe the girl he's with now will start comparing herself to his ex and start feeling inferior or something. So what if he says he has had sex with.. we will say between 5-10? or what if he said 0? there's girls and guys who judge both answers as if they are a crime.
@Toad-1 ... we've also both discussed our exes and how our previous relationships ended. If that's enough for either party to start feeling inferior, then that just goes to show that there were previously existing issue that need to be dealt with.If he'd been with 5-10 people, I'd ask in what circumstances. If they were just ONS... most likely that'd be a deal breaker. I couldn't care less if he'd been with no one else previously
what if some were ons that happened way in the past? and have given up that life and got into a couple relationships?
@Toad-1 we got together when we were 20 so... doesn't matter. I'd be even more concerned if he slept with as many as 10 different people at such a young age.
@Toad-1 Declining to answer but providing an STD exam is quite the same as saying he/ she has been around quite a lot, no?People who are virgins or who haven't been with more than say, 3 people, wouldn't / shouldn't have a problem answering that question and they probably would want to know too.
@dipta he's been around but so what? maybe he stopped being that way?
@Toad-1 It's not that simple. If they're not like that anymore and are now looking to settle down, it's fine and great because maybe we think more alike now, but I would still have to judge if I like them enough to be able to compromise or accept.It's not personal. I just don't want to be thinking during our intimate moments that those are things he's done a million times with who knows how many people and the chances of me, or rather 'us', being special are 0.7%.Like kaylaS91, I also have a cleanliness thing issue, and sometimes experienced people have this thing on imposing on others what they think the other should do or be okay with.I'm not saying it's impossible to accept in the situation you described, but all of this comes in consideration.
@dipta i just think you guys are overthinking it a lot. In the end if you two get along and like each other, his past sex encounters shouldn't matter to you
@Toad-1 ... I'm not overthinking it. If a guy fucked multiple girls (>10+) before turning 20, I know for a fact that his views towards sex don't sit well with my own. Your holding different opinions based on that doesn't make my own opinion any less valid.
Never said your opinion is less valid... i just think if you met a guy whom all other things were perfect, but he slept around a bit before he met you, i doubt you'd want to turn him down.
@Toad-1 well.. I don't choose which guys I'll be with in a relationship or have sex with based on how well they meet the qualities on a checklist I've made up. Even if the guy is admittedly 'perfect' in terms of appearance, that doesn't mean we'll have chemistry or be compatible in other ways.I'm surprised at how much you've simplified my own taste in men.
im not just talking appearance, im also talking personality, i mean just imagine you did have very good chemistry with such a guy? you're just gonna send him on his way because he slept around a bit?
I also want to know, is a man a jerk if he turns down a woman for sleeping around a lot in her past?Cause this is the message im getting here on GAG and i don't like it
@Toad-1 He's not a jerk, he has principles. It goes both ways.I don't agree with what the majority of people on GAG sometimes seem to determine as right.But I think one thing you're neglecting is that a person who engages in casual sex has, most of the times if not all, a completely different view on not just sex, but on the relationship itself, the society, morals, values, health, is more prone to give up more easily on a relationship, etc. than a person who doesn't and is, let's say, more selective and controlled.That's why I say it might make a difference if a person changed their way of thinking and acting, but it will depend on the other person's feelings and past experience as well.This "judgement" goes both ways too.
@dipta @Toad-1Here is an example of how things can go south when people with different sexual pasts get together.I've encountered a common complaint when reading the /r/sex and /r/relationships subreddits on reddit. com.A person is together (married even) for years with a conventionally vanilla sexual partner only to find out that their partner was a sexual libertine in the past.The asker in these questions is always cautioned that they have no entitlement to any given sex act. Further, the asker is admonished for even concerning about the past as that can't be changed. The asker is also informed that these prior sex acts may well have been bad experiences for their partner. Why dredge up this pain... just live in the present.One assumption that the Greek Chorus of responders repeatedly make is that sexual exploration comes BEFORE entering into relationships.For those who reject casual sex, this is not the case. All exploration happens inside relationships.
@gray_sailor I like your last paragraph.And I think the main issue in those cases is not even the fact that they used to engage in casual sex before getting married, but the fact that they deliberately HIDE IT because they knew it would not be well received, but it was eventually found out.It's sad that the many years of marriage weren't enough to placate that issue, but then it's also added the "break of trust" topic.Bottom line, whatever it is you decide to do, be sure it's something you won't feel ashamed/ feel the need to hide for whatever reason.You shouldn't use other people like this to change or feel better about yourself. :(
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So you would also tell your partner about your previous sexual partners and protection used?
@Girly1710 If she asked, then yeah. No details, just the number and that I always used protection. More details would be unnecessary.
Ah, that makes sense
to see if they want to continue dating you
@dudeman why does it matter if you care about the person? It's not good to hang someone's past mistakes over their heads.
@stardust101 it matter because i say it does. why is that not a good enough answer.
@dudeman your reasoning stated because you say it matters is not a legitimate answer
@stardust101 well if i say its legitimate than it is. we are talking about personal choices here not math problems.
@dudeman I understand that but don't expect other people to automatically agree with you.
@stardust101 well people that understand that they are not the center of the universe will agree with me. you can't choose whats important to other people.
@dudeman it's not about whether someone is the center of the universe or not. I simply asked you, "why does it matter" and you can't even give me a real answer.
@stardust101 i did give you and answer. it matters because i say it does. that is as valid as a reason as it gets when it comes to stuff like this.
@dudeman lol you are just being obstinate for no good reason at all.
@stardust101 lol no i am not withholding from sex, . i gave up on love long ago.
@dudeman awwwww... wanna talk about it
@stardust101 not at all but my answer is still valid. just because is a valid answer.
@dudeman hmmm... k
But why does it matter for them to know that anyways?
@Toad-1 for some it's curiosity, others may feel like they needed to know for one reason or another.
Is it important for you to know?
@Toad-1 me personally, no. I never even asked my boyfriend about his. I figure when it comes to this stuff it should more so be a voluntary thing. If you want to tell about it then it's up to you.
I don't understand why it even matters.
Exactly and obviously correct.Yet difficult for many to accept.
This isn't a personal question. I just wanted people's thoughts on this.
Oh. I wouldn't say a SO has the "right" although I think that's too strong a word for this situation. Personally I would be curious.