Girls, I have these feelings about this guy that are disrespectful?

im not really sure what's wrong with me, I don't think most girls are like this... but, honestly I have dabbled in. Bdsm but I am still a Virgin due to painful shyness and fear of relationships sort of.

The issue is that I really like this guy, he's a few years older than I am (4 years) and we go to the same college and he is adorable and hot and smart. And I just want to possess him? Not a normal I want him to hold me in my arms... like, I'm not sure how to describe it, but I just want to and it makes me feel bad and scared because he's so nice:( I don't think I should like a guy in this way as a girl and I'm not sure if it's imasculatong to him. He's apparently very Christian too and I feel horrible for all of the thoughts I've had about him, like

The thing is, I sort of what to bone him with a strap on.:/ and I feel ashamed... because I know it's not normal and I'm not sure what kind of guy would be ok with that lol
and he looks so kind and normal when I look at him, he gives this tough appearance but I can see right through him and I feel awful for these feelings... I feel like he wants to get to know me and I just stare at him like I want to screw him sometimes. Has any girl ever felt this way? Am I weirdly kinky? How can I like him in a healthier way, I don't want to objectify him but I want to screw him as much as I want to go out with him and I haven't felt that I so badly wanted to screw someone befor and I feel awful. Like it must be imasculating and not normal and I feel like I can't even look him in the face
Girls, I have these feelings about this guy that are disrespectful?
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