We're in a long distance relationship and I frequently send him nude pics or videos to spice up the relationship since we're far. We love each other and make sacrifices. I constantly offer to "play" with him while we're on a videocall but he often refuses saying that watching me like that and not being able to touch me makes him sad. Yesterday I entered by mistake in his youtube account and in the history section there were some videos with striptease, twerking and other stuff. So, he says 'no' to me but searches other girls on youtube? I'm tall and elegant but I don't have big butt or breasts like most of the girls that do those kind of videos but why do I feel betrayed? I feel like my self confidence just shaked. What do you guys think?
Most Helpful Guy
His sexual fantasy and how he feels about you are completely separate, just like your sexual fantasy and how you feel about him are completely separate.
You are doing what all women do and are comparing yourself to other women... men don't do that. We don't compare you to other women. The things he likes about these videos has nothing to do with what he likes about you. We often watch porn of things that we would NEVER want our partner to do... that's why it's fantasy. Just like the most common female fantasy is to be forced sexually (raped) by a stranger... but they don't actually want to have it happen. A guy might enjoy watching a female suck off a horse but would never actually want to have his girl do it or see it in real life.
You need to stop making his fantasy about you and realize that the only difference between your mental fantasy and his visual fantasy is that you can see his, he can't see yours... so any f'd up thing that gets you off is no different than what kink gets him off.4
Most Helpful Girl
Okay, so a lot of these guys are saying its okay because he has no emotional connection to them and its just his "fantasy" and "physical desires" or whatever. That you shouldn't be upset. BUT like this doesn't even make sense? If he was to go sleep with another woman that he had no emotional attachment to, would it still be alright? That's where we're heading with this sort of acceptance. He might now be cheating physically, but he's cheating in his imagination and his heart. I believe the two are almost the same thing. Just like you can commit murder in your heart, and if the person knew they would probably feel hurt or concerned.
I think it's right that you're hurt by this, and you need to tell him how it makes you feel. If he really cares about you, and has an unselfish desire to make sure that you don't feel these things; then he'll try to stop. If he tells you that he basically doesn't care about how it makes you feel, then that means he really doesn't care about your feelings as much as you might think. Some people might think that doing this may make you seem controlling and what not, but it really doesn't. If you had a male friend and never had any thoughts about him sexually whatsoever and your boyfriend wanted you to stop being friends with him, then that might be controlling. (its different with spouses though, you should respect each others concerns more and stop being as close of friends. Although really if your husband trusts you then it might not be a problem though its something the two people would have to discuss what to do.)4
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