Boyfriend watches strip videos of girls on YouTube. It hurts but why?

We're in a long distance relationship and I frequently send him nude pics or videos to spice up the relationship since we're far. We love each other and make sacrifices. I constantly offer to "play" with him while we're on a videocall but he often refuses saying that watching me like that and not being able to touch me makes him sad. Yesterday I entered by mistake in his youtube account and in the history section there were some videos with striptease, twerking and other stuff. So, he says 'no' to me but searches other girls on youtube? I'm tall and elegant but I don't have big butt or breasts like most of the girls that do those kind of videos but why do I feel betrayed? I feel like my self confidence just shaked. What do you guys think?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • His sexual fantasy and how he feels about you are completely separate, just like your sexual fantasy and how you feel about him are completely separate.
    You are doing what all women do and are comparing yourself to other women... men don't do that. We don't compare you to other women. The things he likes about these videos has nothing to do with what he likes about you. We often watch porn of things that we would NEVER want our partner to do... that's why it's fantasy. Just like the most common female fantasy is to be forced sexually (raped) by a stranger... but they don't actually want to have it happen. A guy might enjoy watching a female suck off a horse but would never actually want to have his girl do it or see it in real life.

    You need to stop making his fantasy about you and realize that the only difference between your mental fantasy and his visual fantasy is that you can see his, he can't see yours... so any f'd up thing that gets you off is no different than what kink gets him off.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Okay, so a lot of these guys are saying its okay because he has no emotional connection to them and its just his "fantasy" and "physical desires" or whatever. That you shouldn't be upset. BUT like this doesn't even make sense? If he was to go sleep with another woman that he had no emotional attachment to, would it still be alright? That's where we're heading with this sort of acceptance. He might now be cheating physically, but he's cheating in his imagination and his heart. I believe the two are almost the same thing. Just like you can commit murder in your heart, and if the person knew they would probably feel hurt or concerned.
    I think it's right that you're hurt by this, and you need to tell him how it makes you feel. If he really cares about you, and has an unselfish desire to make sure that you don't feel these things; then he'll try to stop. If he tells you that he basically doesn't care about how it makes you feel, then that means he really doesn't care about your feelings as much as you might think. Some people might think that doing this may make you seem controlling and what not, but it really doesn't. If you had a male friend and never had any thoughts about him sexually whatsoever and your boyfriend wanted you to stop being friends with him, then that might be controlling. (its different with spouses though, you should respect each others concerns more and stop being as close of friends. Although really if your husband trusts you then it might not be a problem though its something the two people would have to discuss what to do.)

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    • Your thought process and the parallels you draw between fantasizing and physically cheating makes it seem like you are blaming the poor guy for being a human being. Don't act like women don't have fantasies. Humans are sexual creatures. You can't compare a fantasy that is meant to detach from reality with the act of adultery. It is a logical absurdity.

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    • I mean I agree with Jailbait.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 40

  • He apparently has some adolescent fixations he has not outgrown. Ask him why real women don't seem to appeal to him, only airbrushed, surgically enchanted fantasy dolls.

    Language like that. Verbally slap him, in other words. He will thank you for it someday.

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  • I wouldn't feel betrayed. You need to realize that those girls he's watching, he has no motional connections with, so he'll forget about them right afterwards. With you, he does and that's why it makes him sad. It's really no different than letting your boyfriend watch porn. In a committed relationship, I don't mind my partner masturbating about strangers, as long as it's not someone they personally know in real life.

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    • But why should the partner masturbate while watching strangers when she has you? Why should my boyfriend imagine sticking his thing into someone elses hole? I constantly send him nude pics so that's why it bothers me. He says he likes me a lot but yet I see that the girls he has been seeing are the opposite of me, kinky, big celullite butt and saggy breasts. He knows that I don't have many self confidence when it comes to my body cause I don't have much "material" and that's what hurts. Don't you feel botheres when your girlfriend imagines someone else doing stuff to her? Even though virtually, I think that's how cheating starts

    • Because I understand evolutionary psychology and people naturally crave variety. Imagine your favourite food was sushi and that you met someone who made the best sushi in the world. Then he told you that you can have his sushi breakfast, lunch and dinner in the condition that you never have any other food in the world. How soon would you get bored of it? But if you had other food to compare it to, you wouldn't take it for granted.

      And I don't feel bad when my girlfriend imagines doing stuff with others. In fact, I'm in open relationships now and don't feel bad if she's actually does stuff with other guys. I'm happy for her. When you truly love someone and have high self-worth and high self-esteem, you won't feel jealous. Possessive love will usually drive someone away.

  • I don't know what it is with you women and visual stuff. I can understand his feelings on watching you. He cares or loves you, he doesn't know the women in the video. If the women in the video were in person, it isn't like he would want to date them. Although it is still silly he won't also watch you. These long distance things only work if there is an end date close. I was in a "long term" the first year with my ex wife. I only met her 1 month before going into the military and came home four months later and proposed. We were together 25 years. But had I actually had to go to Japan, like my orders originally said, for 4 yrs? I doubt it would have worked out. Only because I swapped and was stationed in Texas where she could visit and I could come home did it work. Then I got an early release and bammo. If your in a LDR and there is no end date? forgetaboutit. it isn't fair to either person.

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    • There is an end date, we're just waiting for me to finish my studies abroad but I'm concerned he will watch those videos anyway and may have expectations from me or would wish to search for a woman like them to satisfy him since I'm far. My ex used to cheat on me with dirty girls but still wanted to stay with me cause I'm the good girl material but I do kinky stuff too and it just pisses me off that you give everything to a guy and he still searches for more in others.

  • He needs to be careful,, as he will over-stimulate his mind. My partners girl friend is super hot, tall and elegant and her partner is addicted to porn videos. He looks at them like a Rolodex. Now he can't get it up and he is young.

    You somehow need to get him to realize that if he doesn't stop that he will find it difficult to get it up, by the time he is 30.

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  • It's just him being straight. Some people can't go long without sexual release involving extra visual stimulation even if they have partners (especially during long-distance situations), but that doesn't mean they're disloyal.

    In your case, long-distance videos from you in particular are too much of an "actual" tease for him (they're much heavier in that category since he values you highly) because you have an emotional connection and would let him touch you, but he can't, which is depressing for him. Meanwhile, when it comes to the random girls he's viewing on YouTube (even if he finds you to be, like, 50x more attractive than all of them), their videos are weighted much less as 'teases'; he doesn't have contact with them & doesn't want any, has absolutely no sort of emotional attachment to them, doesn't know them in real life, and he won't remember their faces once he's done watching, but it works without making him feel depressed. He's just watching them to put a leash on some regular, healthy horniness then go about his day--it likely has nothing to do with wanting another girl. He just wants to get closer.

    Side note: if you want a big ass, just do squats. Tits don't matter when you have ass.

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  • It hurts your pride cause you have the unrealistic expectation to be the most physically attractive women on the planet for him as soon as you accept that you aren't, it won't hurt so much anymore. He likes you for who you are and because you are beautiful to him. But you'll never be able to compete with some girls in beauty that's just the reality we all face.

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  • For some reason, he seems like he finds you boring - maybe. I could be wrong, but I don't see any other reason why. I also think that because you two are in a LDR (long distance relationship), that he doesn't like it when you offer to "touch him" when you clearly aren't close to each other. He would rather you not offer if you aren't able to actually touch him. And he'd prefer to actually touch you instead of doing it "virtually". While I do understand his feelings on this, I don't agree with the fact that he looks up videos of other women. If anything, it appears that you two are another example of why LDRs don't really work. Hopefully, you can still make it work, but I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't. Maybe you two should visit each other more often, as you clearly miss each other enough. Otherwise, you may need to take a break from each other - at least until you are no longer long distance.

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  • well i think you should ask him specifically why he doesn't want to do the sex chat stuff. because i don't really know why he'd choose that over you but it could be that he is nervous about masturbating in front of you on cam

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  • Your boyfriend is loosing interest. Not because you wouldn't be pretty enough but because he's that type of a guy. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he wants to see something different. Again, it's not your fault. If you like a model / a perfect girl he would still do it. Some guys get bored of a relationship, happens. Maybe he doesn't even think that it's wrong. If he does, he obviously has a hard time stopping himself. Either way, do what you want.

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  • Because he's an insensitive jerk that doesn't give a damn about your feelings

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  • Women like to feel that they are the only person in the world that turns their man on. It's not absolutely true. I'm sure he loves you, but likes to see other different kinds of girls.

    in my opinion, you should only be worried if he's looking at girls who look exactly like you, means he's look to replace. lol. jk.

    Also, youtube?
    Geez, I can't get off on clothed shit. xvideos strip dancing is where it's at.
    Lastly, one should never look at a man's internet history. It's just not good.

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  • Lady don't fucking look at his video watching history. This wouldn't have been an issue if you understood boundaries.

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    • I was looking to find songs I had listened, then I realised I was in his account (he entered with my laptop once and forgot to log out) . And that's nothing! I could look in his facebook profile and I chose not to. The previous boyfriend used to cheat on me and if I did not look on his cellphone I would still be in an abusing relationship with a sociopath so taking casual peaks is good to know who are you dating.

    • That doesn't excuse you pre-emptively investigating peoples accounts on shit just because you've been cheated on. People get cheated on, that doesn't mean 'fuck boundaries'. The moment you found out it was his account you ought to have logged out

  • He can be in you as hell and still want to have some fun alone. It doesn't depend on you, nothings wrong with you it's just that boys have a different sexuality. That's it

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  • girl, every man watches that weather being in relationship or not its perfectly normal for a guy to watch vids like that

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  • He won't see much on Youtube

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  • what's wrong with searching "pole dancing" on youtube

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  • I understand both sides of this. You want him to desire you as he should being in the relationship. He does like you but after a while a tease is still just a tease and can get depressing bc it just make the distance between you more obvious. My best advice go on a vacation or visit each other and spend some hot time together. And try to start coming up with a plan to shorten the distance between you both.

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  • Not being able to touch you part... yeah i can understand that. with the sexy dancers on youtube you know you never would/could touch them so its sort of not frustrating. Where as with you he may be like shit i wish i could go see her now and it would make him more sexually frustrated.

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  • Holy shit. Gain some confidence.

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  • You feel that way because you are sexually insecure. If just watching videos bothers you, I'm sure that you do not like his female friends too.
    From the situation you described, it seems good news. Maybe your boyfriend is fulfilling his sexual needs by masturbating instead of cheating.
    You lack self esteem and self confidence. How about start building that up?

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  • These are some things a LDR has to sacrifice. Besides, he loves kinky stuff. A lot of men do. As long as he isn't doing this over a video call, I don't think it's a big deal. I can understand his frustration and watching these videos on YouTube makes it safer for him to know what to expect from you

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  • Dude we all watch porn even when in relationships any guy that says different is a fucking liar or a virgin trying to kiss your ass💯

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  • if that is you in the picture I would have no used to watch anyone else I would accept anything you have been offering me

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  • No, he is not cheating on you. They're just YouTube videos. If you actually think that he is texting or talking to other girls, that would be the problem. I mean, he wouldn't complain if you watched videos out of sexual frustration. Think about it.

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    • he did complain actually

    • Ok, if you both share mutual complaint, that means he cares about you and you do the same, sexually. Both of you are afraid of each others' sexual frustration, which is good in my opinion. Talk to him about it, and you'll solve the problem easily.

  • You're just being a baby lol. He isn't doing anything wrong. Youtube vids on twerking. Whateves lol thats nothing significant

    Forget it butterpop

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  • simple you're the hottest woman in the world get over it, actually rarley do you find a guy whos dating a woman so hot no other can match her, usually there are plenty of hotter woman , and women like porn thats about ti really

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  • it doesn't mean anything.

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  • Your boyfriend is going wrong. He shouldn't look at other girls sexually. I can be hopeful because girls who are like you still exist.

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    • Shut the fuck up lmao you watch that shit to 😂😂😂😂😂

    • @ken718 Learn to be kind, American guy. I hate dirty girls.

    • Your trolling lol

  • Thumbs up just for the Betty Paige picture!

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  • A lot of the time it is watched out of sexual frustration and to release it.

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What Girls Said 22

  • Experience has taught me that even old men still ogle sexy gals that look like naked fun and trade these images as if baseball cards. A few gals - to be fair - also feel this way about guys.

    What's a foot is nothing to do with these natural urges, made more intense with lack of sex, intimate toughing, holding hugging + nothing really to do with you except
    1) he feels you are more special than "just sex" and naked play
    2) his sexual drive feelings are considered foul & cheap, esp. when others are marketing sex in this manner
    Ergo why 1 does not = 2 and you are excluded... for now.
    It's up to you to demonstrate HOW you play into this sexual satisfaction when in person and soon he'll play into it long distance, as you wish.
    Role playing stories can guide you (if you are clueless as to HOW) so one reads naked while the other naked one "acts" out the storyline.
    Also, when together AMBUSH him with sexual talk/needs then strip him regardless of objections. He'll get the point and look at you in a whole new way.

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  • I think you need to chill. Because you two are long distance it will not be enough always to just have you considering he cannot physically get anything from you. It may not be enough stimulation. Him watching girls strip is far more mild also than him watching porn (which he probably also does). It doesn't mean you are not enough as a human. It just means he needs a quick release and afterwards he probably doesn't even remember what they looked like.

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    • Just out of curiosity, why do you think porn is worse than watching a girl doing striptease? For me actually I can understand porn - seeing people having sex is a turn on. It turns me on too. But watching one specific woman and desiring HER, is kind of harder to understand. But I try, I learned that it means nothing, and that in the end is just help to turn him on, same as porn.
      I just wonder, because I heard from many girls that porn is horrible compared to watching some pictures of girls.

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    • For sure they see the woman in porn video too. But do you think that a guy jerking off on a picture of a girl, doesn't imagine doing things to her?
      Porn is just a fantasy, I watch gang bangs and sometimes quite harsh stuff but I would never do that in real life. The only problem with porn is when guy is mentally unstable, or too immature to understand this is not how women should be treated in reality (unless they want to).

    • Maybe they do yes just like they do when watching porn but like I said I think sex is something precious and special and I think porn is disrespectful. I could never enjoy seeing a women being degraded. You are still supporting a woman being degraded fantasy or not. And I prefer partners who dont get off watching degrading things like that or finding it hot to watch a women being used as a object. It is just disgusting really.

  • This isn't a thing that would bother me so I'm unsure how to advise you. Having been in the LDR situation (it sucks, hang in there!), I can tell you for sure that looking at porn is healthy and common. Your boyfriend is finding a healthy way to deal with his sexual energy that doesn't involve cheating. Sad that we have to applaud this but still.

    Don't compare yourself to porn actresses. DO you know how much they've paid for those bodies? Down that path lies madness, my love. Best focus on the not cheating not cheating, yes?

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  • There's a difference between porn (or videos in his case) and the real thing: one is fantasy, one is reality. Chances are it does frustrate the hell out of him to see you exposed knowing he can't have you, while videos on youtube just give him a fantasy to beat off to without the same emotional investment causing him distress.

    I say just talk to him about it. See where his mind is at before you jump to conclusions.

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  • You are in a long distance relationship. Remember that. He is not going to watch or look at the content you give him because it either makes him too sad & he misses you too much to look at it... or he is starting to separate and get away from you because you are far away from him.

    Long distance isn't really easy to work out and because he doesn't see you often and be able to touch you it's not going to give him the same spark as it would if you were physically together. He is going to look at other girls because he can't really see you.

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  • I used to respond with 'get over yourself already'. While I still believe it has little to do with betrayal, I also know what it's like to date a porn addict. I am not saying your boyfriend is an addict, but there's always a danger, which I personally would try to avoid at ALL cost. That stuff can absolutely ruin your relationship and sex life as there'll be no longer any intimacy on an emotional level. Only hardcore, rough and 'porny' sex will stimulate him enough for him to get it up.

    Bottom line is: most people don't understand the seriousness of porn addiction, and how easy it is to get addicted. I stay away from it as far as possible.

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  • You feel hurt and betrayed because you feel as if he gets pleasure from these girls when he could be getting it from you, but the thing is, he may feel awkward about doing intimate stuff on video chat where as doing it alone while watching porn is much more relaxed as there's no pressure from another person.

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  • I personally can't believe you offered to take off your clothes on camera for him... I'd never do something like that. I don't care how far away you are. Never ever ever ever do anything nude on camera EVER.

    I don't think it's a big deal. It's not really any different than him watching porn.

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  • he doesn't want you to do it because he misses you, and it pains him to not be able to touch you. but if he's watching a random girl, he has no idea who she is. he doesn't want to touch her like he does with you, so it doesn't 'hurt' him.

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  • Talk to him.
    Tell him your feelings.
    Most guys will be open to stop watching those types of thing if they know their girl is sad about it.
    :)

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  • It means nothing. They like "variiiiiiiiiety."

    "So, he says 'no' to me but searches other girls on youtube?"

    He said that it saddens him that he can't touch you. His okayness with watching other women is probably because he wants them less than he wants you, which is a good thing. He also knows that access to you is something which is actually possible, but not at that very moment, which can be more frustrating.

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  • I think you are overreacting a little bit. He's a typical horny guy who likes to watch hot women. Hell I watch videos of hot male celebs sometimes because I like to see them.
    And don't think you have to be there to satisfy his sexual whims. Focus on the emotional connection you have with him because that's more important for your relationship.

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  • you fucking should feel betrayed! please break up with him. you said that you guys " love each other and make sacrifices"
    where is the love here?

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  • YouTube? You feel threatened by YOUTUBE?

    You know he probably watches way more geaphic porn that you don't know about, right?

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  • hun calm down it means nothing
    HE IS ALLOWED TO THINK OTHER GIRLS ARE ATTRACTIVE AND LOOK AT THEM

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  • He watches videos of girls from the 50's with mushroom cut bangs?

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  • Guys watch porn. It's not a new revelation. But if it bothers he doesn't want to view you like that, maybe it's time to end it?

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  • I would dump him if I was you but that is just me.

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  • Hoy, he watches striptease on youtube knowing you have the password to his account?

    Actually I think you're already trying too hard with the nude pics, sex chat offers, etc. Guess you know him already more than we do and try to compensate.
    If he wants to watch that stuff or whatnot though, there's nothing you can do but look within yourself and decide if that's the kind of guy you wanna be with.
    That being said, I'm sure he has a great explanation for it.

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    • He had forgot to log out, he said he saw those videos just out of curiosity, I think this is a stupid excuse

    • Yes. Mere curiosity may make you watch maybe one or two videos, not 3, 4 plus some other stuff. :/

  • He's not gonna see much on youtube.
    Would you rather him watch half naked girls on youtube or naked women in porn? hahah

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  • because it is also a kind of cheating if you don't want him to watch

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  • I feel you girl, I have been there too. Men and women are different, and such things do hurt most of the girls. We want to be the one he wants, and when he jerks off on others we may feel as if we aren't good enough. But the thing is masturbation has nothing to do with you, or real life. It is something very basic like taking a shit. There is no more meaning to it.
    Apart from women (who can have high libido too), men biologically need to take the sperm out, and they are masturbating since young ages. Even if he would get off to you, probably you are not sex chatting as often as he needs to get off anyway. As far as I got to understand men, he does not mean to replace you with those girls. They are just pixels. For him masturbation and love relationship are two separate things. He had been masturbating for long time and it is part of his life, however those women have no importance to him (but you do). He watches those women just to get off, he does not care who they are, they are just random aid to masturbation. They are random boobs to see, nothing else. He does not compare you to them either. It is us women who always compare ourselves to others. Don't do that to yourself, it is not needed.
    He loves you, and when he said he feels sad when he cannot touch you I believe him. It means he really wants to be with you, he misses you badly, and he wants to touch you but he cannot and that makes him really really sad. Those other women on the other side, he does not care to be with them or who they are, they are just aid to get off. He forgets about them as soon as he closes YouTube video.
    I hope you feel better soon. If it will help you, talk to him about it. Just tell him how it makes you feel, and ask about his point of view, what do those women mean to him. But do not overthink it, other way you will just harm yourself more than needed.

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