Why are women who enjoy sex still a taboo?

I've never been in a relationship so I occasionally have casual sex. Intimacy is a need I need to fulfill sometimes but I don't want to force myself into a relationship just to be able to have sex. Why does this make me a slut and a disgusting human being? Why is my sex life anyone else's business if I use protection?

I understand if you wouldn't want to date me if it's against your own values but that doesn't give you the right to denounce me a slut.

Or is this just something that I've caused myself and should just deal with? Am I not allowed to complain because it's my own decision to "be a slut"?

Girls and guys, I want your opinion!

Updates:
I officially feel like a disgusting human being now.

What I learned is that I either need to grow a thicker skin or wallow in self-pity from now on, and I choose the latter.

I don't think I'll be having sex with anyone for a while. Your job here is done.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think what matters more is the who, the what, the where, the when, why, and how - which all translates to circumstances and individuals.

    Just having casual sex occasionally isn't inherently slutty. However, throwing yourself heedlessly at every cock and sexual request sloppily with no regard for your body or without a semblance of self respect translates as slutty.

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What Guys Said 60

  • I think this is more of a US attitude, and is a remnant of our country being founded by religious extremists (Puritans, Quakers, Barkers, etc.) who were big on judgement. These attitudes got embedded in American culture and eventually sent back out to much of the world by our media.

    I have always seen sex as a natural, normal desire and, unless people are engaging in it in an unhealthy way, was fine and expected. I have no issues with the OP.

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    • It's true that the attitude is very different in different cultures. I'm Finnish but I lived in Manchester for a while. No one ever seemed to judge me in Manchester or in the UK in general but in Finland especially men are very vocal about how disgusting women who have casual sex are.

  • Because people associate sex with emotional intimacy and sort of look at it as a sacred bond. People place a lot of value in sex. Value that differentiate from your own values. It's been like this since he beginning of time and it's based on basic logic. If you deviate away from that, then people are going to pass judgement. You sound like you're trying to prove a point right now. In reality, this rant accomplishes nothing.

    I was a huge slut when I was single and people passed judgement all he time. I've been rejected because of sexual history. It didn't bother me.. they simply look at sex through a different lens than me and I accepted that. They can do them and I'll do me. Literally as simple as that.

    Guys are absolutely entitled to reject you and pass judgement, and that doesn't make them insecure by default. That just means they value sex in a different way than you do.

    If you're that triggered by someone calling you a slut, then don't be a slut. Participating in a bunch of casual sex makes you a slut by definition. My followup to that is to ask what's wrong with being a slut?

    My point is that you can be a slut all you want. Own it though. Don't get all butthurt when people pass judgement.

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    • Slut in my opinion is a very derogatory term. Why is there a need to call me a slut? What does it accomplish other than making me feel bad about the way I am? Or is that just the point?

      Why is the amount of partners the important thing and not the amount of sex you're having? Why am I a horrible person for having sex maybe once in four months when someone in a relationship could be having sex four times a day? Is sex really that sacred of a thing between partners. That seems like an old fashioned view point to me.

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    • lol you don't need a therapists to tell you what's going on in your head. It's self explanatory.. you don't have to experience heartache to fear it either

    • People keep telling me to open up and give people a chance. I've never said no if someone's asked me out. But I'm the kinda person that if I don't feel a connection the first time, I'm convinced it doesn't exist.

  • Because a casual attitude towards sex is linked to all sorts of negative traits. And while that is true for both men and women, there is a huge major difference: Women who engage in casual sex take a lot more risks (pregnancy, 4-5 times as high STD risk AND the risk of the guy abusing her and being a threat).

    Essentially Promiscuous people have been linked again and again to...
    ... mental instability and higher rates of mental illness
    ... higher rates of STDs (It's a numbers game)
    ... be more likely to be a single parent (numbers game)
    ... have higher rates of abortion (numbers game)
    ... have less stable relationships and higher divorce rates
    ... have increased chances of having been in an abusive relationship
    ... be more likely to cheat
    ... be more likely to become addicted
    ... be more likely to come out of a broken household.


    Want some sources?

    cdn.freedomainradio.com/...iage_Partners_Study.pdf
    -> Page 19-25. Especially Page 24-25 is quite relevant.

    www.everydayhealth.com/.../...eaten-longevity.aspx

    medicalxpress.com/.../...partners-linked-drug.html

    news-releases.uiowa.edu/.../061411paik_study.html

    www.barbararisman.com/.../...earch_final_paper.pdf

    www.ideals.illinois.edu/.../Saroj_Hardit.pdf
    -> Promiscuity is linked to sexual aggression.
    -> Page 59. "The number of sexual partners was positively related to parental violence."
    -> Page 70. "As the number of sexual partners increased, so did the propensity to sexually aggression."

    http://www.bradley.edu/dotAsset/165862.pdf
    -> Page 4. "Perhaps the strongest personality correlate of risky sexual behaviour is impulsive sensation-seeking"
    -> Page 8. Promiscuous people are more likely to be impulsive, have low agreeableness, low conscientiousness, sensation-seeking and a higher level of sexual infidelity.
    -> Page 14. "People who describe themselves as more unfaithful tend to have personality traits linked to a lack of trust and empathy (i. e. low agreeableness)"

    www.sociopathicstyle.com/psychopathic-traits/
    -> Point 11. Promiscuity is a common symptom of psychopathy. Goes hand in hand with the other study mentioning impulsiveness as it shows it here on point 14.

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    • ink.library.smu.edu.sg/.../viewcontent.cgi
      -> Page 8. Higher amount of sexual partners is directly linked to higher degrees of psychopathy, narcissism, machiavellianism and an increase of any combination of those 3.

      genepi.qimr.edu.au/.../CV262Bailey_UQ_Copy.pdf
      -> Page 4, Table 1. (Note: Sociosexuality = Parameter for willingness to engage in sexual activity outside of comitted relationships)

      To put it into my own words: I think promiscuity is a symptom of mental instability and is a way of self-destructive behaviour, just like i. e. Obesity (not physical-health induced obesity). It's a huge red flag objectively, biologically and evolutionary for anyone who wants a comitted and successful relationship.
      Thus there is no logical argument to me that promiscuity is in any way to be seen as positive

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    • Now if you think you are disgusting or not is up to you. As I said, it doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. And just because you have done things in the past, doesn't mean you will and/or have to do things in the future.
      Like I said in my starting post - while many people do not - people are fully capable of changing and improving. What you need to do is - instead of wallowing in self-pity and finding yourself disgusting - asking yourself what you want out of your life and what kind of person you want to become. If you have a child-wish it generally helps asking yourself what kind of person you want your child to be and then compare it to what kind of person you are.

    • P. S. People will judge you no matter what you do. The moment you do anything that stands out for the better or worse you will be judged. That's how humanity works. And you do that as well. Whatever you are judged for doesn't really matter. I think it was Galileo Galilei who made a discovery during his bathtime and was so happy that he ran out of the streets... naked. Judgement of other people doesn't define, if what is judged is being good or bad per se.

      The key where many people fail isn't about judging, but about being open-minded enough to give the individual a chance to prove your judgement wrong.

      And secondly: Truth hurts. But lies slowly chip away. Rather have the patch pulled off fast than to have a slow painful experience that just sneaks up to you.

  • Are you serious? I wouldn't think of you as a slit or disgusting human being, not even close, simply because you engage in casual sex. Who's making you feel bad about your sex life?
    I honestly don't see any issue here. As long as one's honest and doesn't deceive or lie to people in order to "get" them.

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    • For some reason men that I don't know seem to be the most judgmental towards me. I know I shouldn't care because I don't know them but I get an urge to defend myself if someone is rude towards me.

    • I see, I see.
      well that's interesting because It's not like I'm ignorant about the stuff that goes on but I wouldn't have expected that judgements regarding one's sexual lifestyle would STILL be made by others due to one's gender only.
      I know that many of those people who are not pro a free sexual lifestyle (casual sex) go all judgmental and blah blah. But I honestly don't give a duck what they say or think to be honest.
      In your case, I think there's a chance that some of them might be jealous or possibly even annoyed that you know yourself and would rather you just settle for a relationship just because it's "expected".
      Also, some might want to shag you.

  • I would never label you a slut or any other disrespectful and derogatory term. Anyone who does really needs to take a step back and realize that its mean and accomplishes nothing. I also understand you too have needs because I have the same needs. There is nothing wrong or shameful whatsoever about a woman being able to have sexual needs and to be able to enjoy herself fully when having those needs met. I guy who actually cares about you would want you to have that enjoyment even above his own. All that said, here is my problem with casual sex. Its not about my judging you but out of concern for you. Sex is an expression of love between two people of the opposite gender because during sexual intercourse, the mind of both people (especially the female mind) manufactures very powerful chemicals called oxytocin which bond two people and cause an attachment. This is potentially playing with fire when done casually. I know the girl I end up having sex with is someone I will have feelings for and undoubtedly those feelings will intensify as we have more and more sex. If I'm expressing this type of love and also receiving the same expression of love from her, I want a relationship with her or even at some point want my ring on her finger because she means something to me, more than the world.

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    • I'm aware of oxytocin and how it works but for some reason sex rarely develops into feelings in my case. I don't know if I'm wired differently or if I just deny those feelings but I've always been okay with having sex with someone and never seeing them again after that.

      If I want or see a relationship with someone, I won't have sex with them very easily because I want it to be meaningful. Casual sex is not meaningful to me. It's just a way to fill a need.

    • Fair enough. I wish you all the best

    • I just saw your followup. I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope I didn't give you any ideas of feeling like a disgusting human being. You are not. You have great value in God's eyes. There is nothing wrong with having sexual needs and feeling a certain way. I said what I said in my original post out of genuine concern for you and I hope you are able to get what makes you happy and maybe some day when you are ready for love, find someone who will love and respect you as you deserve. I wish you only the very best sister.

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What Girls Said 17

  • I don't think women enjoying sex is necessarily taboo. Some people simply have negative views of casual sex in general and look down on those who engage in it. These people usually have very strong values associated with sex. Some people believe that sex is so important that it should only be shared in committed relationships or marriage in more extreme cases, and therefore, when anyone engages in casual sex, it makes them "immoral" or "gross." That's not my personal feelings. I'm just trying to explain why *some* people are bothered by it.

    Casual sex isn't my thing, but I don't look down on those who do enjoy it. My boyfriend was pretty promiscuous before we started dating and his past doesn't bother me at all. For some people though, it can be a big deal and these people have the right to feel that way, but that doesn't make it okay for them to be hateful towards you.

    When you think about it though, it's not really different than any other aspect of life. There will ALWAYS be people who will judge you, no matter what you do. If it wasn't about your sex life, it would just be about something else.

    You shouldn't let it get to you so much. Who cares what other people think? If someone calls you a 'slut' it's not the end of the world. People have called me every name in the book but it doesn't affect my life or change my attitude. Having thick skin can be VERY beneficial in life. At some point, you just have to decide not to care about what other people think. Keep being yourself and do what makes YOU happy, that's all that matters.

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  • Some people are closed minded and that's their business, you are open and that's theirs.

    If we live a certain way and don't care about others opinions we have to prepare for criticism, as long as it's not slander or defamation, ignore them.

    I choose to be by myself but there was a time when I was like you, it was best for me. Just be safe and ignore the ignorance.

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    • I get an urge to defend myself when someone speaks rudely of me. I know I should just let it go but I'm too concerned with trying to change people's opinions.

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    • You have got to be trolling, maybe you're the one trying to make sexually liberated women feel bad about themselves.
      What you just said comes from the mouth of no woman who enjoys safe sex and has her reason to choose that life.

    • I'm assuming you're referring to my update. I'm not trying to make anyone else feel bad. That's definitely not my intention. I just honestly started feeling really bad about myself reading all of these answers. I don't know what I excepted in the first place because now that I think about it, there's no way this could have gone well for me.

  • I think is usually women attacking other women for anything because they are jealous think about it. I mean if someone doesn't agree with you and turn around and call you a whore for enjoying sex or ugly when your not that just shows they are insecure and can't handle a rival when they are not your rival lol.

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  • Because it's a sign that she has no standards and honestly, if you're having sex so often with men you've never dated, that's the impression I get from you. But I get the impression from men as well who do the same thing.

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  • The word whore/hore used to mean femininity, caring, love, sensuality, desire.

    Only very recently it changed its meaning to something negative.

    Societies prior to ours like the Indus Valley, the women were free to walk around naked and have sex. In fact their prostitutes were given high statuses and lived in temples. Known as devdasi's.

    Societies change. Rules change. What things were once normal become disgusting and sinful to another.

    Don't rely on society... which is very fickle and changes all the time.

    The true reason why sex is a sin is because it doesn't benefit the Elite if bunch of people just have sex all day.
    The less sex a society has the more they produce.

    Even the monogamy and strict sex schedules produce a society that are good conformists.

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