What is the point of having a friend with benefits?

Ok obviously it's for sex. Why not be in a relationship? How are people able to not have feelings? Please explain.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, ya see, I must know how to pick em. My friends with benefits was a really good female friend, whom was sweet with me from day 1, and after a good while we figured "screw it, let's just date." That was nearly 2 years ago, and overtime (as costumes/lingerie and various drinking nights out) were introduced into our routine, the sex got even better

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    • Are you still together?

    • Yup, met 2nd semester Freshman yr, started up early Soph, we're both Srs and still going. Our libidos are waaaaayyyy different tho, which is the only thing that sucks

Most Helpful Girl

  • I couldn't agree more. The trouble with friends with benefits is, a lot of the ones I know aren't even really friends. They're acquaintances who happen to like fucking each other. There's rarely any real loyalty on either side and almost never any genuine feeling, let alone love.

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    • Yeah I know one lady who was in that situation. It's like, come on, this guy isn't even your friend! I was shocked that after 4 years of this, they finally went out for dinner ONE TIME. I thought at least they'd gone on dates, but no, only one time.

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    • Then if there's no intention of being with somebody why then even do it.. Spare each others feelings and stay home and avoid drama masturbate. You take make the edge off without messing with lives

    • Again, some people are perfectly capable of having a friends with benefits and not getting attached. The people complaining are those who can't, but try to have friends with benefits anyway - or those who can't grasp the very concept of a friends with benefits and try to make it something it is not: a romantic relationship.

      Your job is to figure out what works best for you, NOT to try to tell others how they should conduct their own lives.

What Guys Said 77

  • This is a common and understandable position for women take, because most women have no desire to be sexual without an emotional connection. And that's fine.

    But MEN ARE DIFFERENT! Men fall in love at about the same rate (maybe *slightly* less often, but close enough) that women do - which in both cases isn't very often. I think we can all agree that finding a great match to be with in a relationship isn't easy, right? Right.

    But here's a major difference between men and women: when a man can't have a relationship (for whatever reason - can't find a partner or doesn't want one at that time), his SEXUAL interest and desire isn't diminished in any way, and men DO NOT NEED AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO WANT SEX OR TO ENJOY SEX. Is sex BETTER with an emotional connection? Yes, in most cases, it is. But, still, if a man isn't in a relationship, his libido does not shut down until he falls in love again, oh no. The male libido is a separate thing from our emotional desires and connections - and men also don't have a category for "women we want to be 'just friends' with" like women do for men they aren't in love with but find attractive or interesting. Men's category is called "women we want to bang."

    As a man, I ALWAYS want sex. Sure, I'd prefer it to be in a relationship (but not all guys do), but when I don't have a relationship, I absolutely still want sex, and am perfectly happy to have it with someone I like (but don't LOVE) and find attractive without any need for a romantic relationship with them.

    Most women simply can't do that - and that's okay - but most men CAN, and that's also okay. Neither of us asked to be the way we are - but we evolved to have these instincts and desires and biology, and we can't change it.

    You have to do what's right for you, but you also need to realize that what's right for you isn't' right for everyone. Some women can do friends with benefits just fine, and absolutely want them. Most don't. Neither are wrong.

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    • You did an excellent job of explaining the two sexes emotional needs. Thank you.

    • The only thing you forgot to add is aswell as finding a romantic partner isn't easy (feels god damn impossible sometimes), finding sex isn't easy either for a lot of guys.

  • People don't like the idea of making a commitment. They want the pleasure of sex without it "meaning anything." Having sex has become a part of our culture that is encouraged. And while a person might not want to be in a relationship, they may still be willing to have sex with you under the pretense of being friends with benefits. It just feels easier to a lot of people and it's been made to seem like the norm so it has become the norm.

    The thing is, it never really means that people have disconnected their emotions from sex. Recently I've seen several questions along the lines of "I have feelings for my fwb?" Our culture has presented sex as being something that we should always connect to emotions and yet we should always disconnect emotions from sex. In other words, if we love a person obviously we must have sex with them, and yet if you have sex you don't have to love the person. There's been so much confusion and disconnect around the subject that people who have friends with benefits relationships feel as though they've done it wrong when they begin to have feelings for their friends with benefits. In reality sex creates emotional bonds between people as a natural side affect due to our body's production of bonding hormones during sex. In other words everyone who has "casual sex" or who is in a friends with benefits relationship, will likely find sooner or later that they develop feelings for the person. It's how our bodies work and it's not something over which we really have any control. But, again we've been lead to believe that this shouldn't be the case.

    No one denies that it feels good to fit in. Because it's been made to seem like the norm is to disconnect our emotions from sex (an impossible feat for anyone but a sociopath), people who fail to separate sex from emotions rarely admit to it. People want to fit in, and no one wants to make it seem like they're the odd man/woman out by admitting that, yeah, they have feelings for a person with whom they've had sex. Sex ought to be taken seriously, because it can cause serious issues if treated casually simply due to the way it affects our bodies mentally. To have sex safely, we need to address the actual affects it has on people.

    I know I got off topic so I must apologize for that. :)

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  • This one's easy.

    For the most part, a friends with benefit is not relationship material. For whatever reason, the magic combination just isn't there. I had a friends with benefits long ago. I did not find her particularly attractive, I considered her under-educated, she was unemployed, and our sense of humor did not align. But, she was a willing cum dumpster and I was a willing cum donor, so it worked out.

    Why not find a relationship with someone else? There was nobody else in the picture at the time, and nobody I was interested in. I was also freshly out of a relationship and wasn't ready to start again. So with no intention of finding a partner, it was great to have someone to call up once in awhile to relieve the pressure in my balls :)

    No need to spend alone time. No need to buy presents. No need for any of that.

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  • So the real questiom is "how can you separate feelings from sex?".

    By sleeping with someone you recognize isn't a good match for you, but turns you on physically. How many times have you met a guy who was hot, "until he opened his mouth". That guy is a decent candidate, because you likely won't develop serious feelings for him.

    If you pick guys you could potentially have a serious relationship with down the road it's much harder. I think that's the issue girls run into. Since a lot of what turns the girl on is who the guy is rather than his looks. When a lot of what turns a guy on is how a girl looks. It's much easier to find a hot girl you'd never want to date than a girl to do the same with a guy she wants to fuck but would never date. Because generally the guys she wants to fuck she also kind of wants to date and "tame" him.

    Pick a physical specimen you'd never want to date, who is down and you'll be good to go.

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    • As a girl, who's wanting to have a friends with benefits, I totally agree with this! The I'm wanting to mess with is physically attractive and I think he's cool, but I wouldn't want to date him down the road. Not that he's terrible or anything, just that we have some differences in some views that would make it more difficult if we dated.. And we both understand that we're not looking to date anyone and just need someone who can explore with.

    • @Moooch

      Yea, I find the easiest is picking someone who has a character flaw that you would consider a deal breaker for a relationship. Like for me I don't want a woman who already has kids. If she's a girl who cheated on multiple boyfriends that's a deal breaker for me. So finding a milf or a serial cheater are perfect friends with benefits for me lol. Because at any point if I start to feel like "maybe" i'll just remember "oh yea. She always cheats on her boyfriends. Better to be the guy she fucks than the guy she cheats on" or "that's right. She's got a kid". That'll crimp a boner real quick lol

  • The point is to have fun without any responsibility and not having to be accountable for one's actions or face any consequences whatsoever, which is obviously an illusion and self told lie because there is consequences for everything we do in life and there should be accountability, especially if we are going to be so intimately involved in the life of another person. I just did a my take on this very topic. www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a48843-friends-with-benefits-are-not-true-friends-at-all

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  • My girlfriend and i broke up and i just needed a break 2 girls that i new and one of her (ex girl F ) friends all at diffetent times would come over see what I was doing and blah blah blah and the conversation would go to are you looking for another girlfriend and my answer was no not at this time and I was just being a smart-ass and I said I'm just looking for friends with benefits and each one of them said okay but I told them there was rules and the first rule is if you say I love you we're done it's over we're just friends we're not in a relationship there is no commitment and they all agreed like I said this is all at different times but they all agreed and once twice a week each one of them would come over and I can tell you this I learned a lot and those three girls I became very very good friends with them almost better than being in a relationship because there was no commitment there was no bond except for having sex and of course with the type of friendship that we had we started making love. Is a trip you actually become closer or my case I did if you want to experience something that will teach you something about friendship you should maybe try it but like I said the moment there was I love you I need you I want you then it was going ended right there at that moment time two of the girls it started dating other guys and I told him that we had to stop because it's just not cool and the third one would do I go to school but I'm one of the best experiences that I've ever had and the depth of respect and Trust that you came is pretty awesome

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  • That's the thing, people can't devoid their feelings when having sex. Those that say that they can, aren't being really truthful to others and themselves especially. It's biology. You're supposed to feel when you have sex, that's why men and women release chemicals in their brain to make them feel affinity towards their partner.

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  • "Ok obviously it's for sex."
    - You answered your own question.

    "Why not be in a relationship?"
    -Because that's not the goal, as we already established. Sex is. That and relationships are harder. Having a friends with benefits is easy.

    "How are people able to not have feelings?"
    -Becahse they want sex and feelings bring complications.

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  • I like this question! I have 4 FWBs. One on a very regular basis. A second one maybe once or twice a week. The other 2 maybe once or twice a month. Why? Because I don't want a serious relationship. They are all aware that I'm not "exclusive" to them. I don't pretend to be their one and only. At least I'm honest about it. I went twelve years without sex in my previous marriage. I'll never marry again. The women I'm with know that. I'm very picky about where I stick my dick. II love to have sex as often as humanly possible. Most women (and men) don't share this feeling. So I like to have more than one. However, as it turns out, the one I'm with the most has about as an insatiable desire to have as much sex as I do, so the other 3 tend to fade into the background until my "primary" goes on her period. Then I go seek the next one if they're available

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    • Feeling? Yes, to some degree. I've learned (the hard way), that passionate kissing and cuddling make an emotional bond.

  • people assume relationships have a certain element of 'time you need to spend together not having sex', and are generally too busy to a lot that sort of time. Especially when they may not be looking for a relationship, due to the fact that they expect to move out of state in the distant future.

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    • oh, meant to add that of course people still have sexual needs, and sex with complete strangers isn't common enough. If you must get off, it's less stress to do it with someone you trust, even if you don't really have the time to do much else with them. And stress relief is the whole point, so..

  • I think it's the situation, you are in. In a sane situation, you can't even fathom, why you'd make a death wish even.
    Sometimes it's necessary to get into something with mutual consent , that will take all the grief and pain away or whatever you are looking for, probably will bring down the curiosity or will bring down the level of hormones, that's driving you crazy.
    I don think, nobody ever gets a feeling in such a relationship. Some of them do. But they understand the fact, it is not a relationship, they are meant to sustain and choose to have a control those feelings and eventually allows it to go away.

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  • If you are in a relationship, then you are committing your time to each other. You are expected to check in, to accompany each other, to be shown around to friends and family. It requires a lot of effort.

    If you are friends with benefits, you see if the other is available, and if so, you have sex, and if not, you tell them to call you when they are. It is much less effort.

    Having feelings is fine. Having unrealistic expectations is not.

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  • Ok let's have fun with this one:

    A) Get up every morning to the same nonsense: "Baby I need attention", "Babe we need this we need that". "Babe I'm going shopping". "Babe why won't you marry me", "A real man would do this and that bla bla", "I don't feel special with you", "You don't spend enough money on me"... yada yada yada...

    OR

    B) "You up?" --> a quick romp an hour later --> freedom for the rest of the week to work on myself and be the best person I can be

    Which one is any guy with half a brain going to choose?

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  • friends with benefits is a type of relationship for adults. Generally when your young or wanting to find someone this does not make sense. Give you an example of one I had in College and why. Our friends with benefits was a relationship in many ways of a typical one. We lived together, paid bills, owned cars, etc etc. But the difference was we loved, respected and cared for each other and yes had sex but it was not boyfriend and girlfriend. Neither one wanted to sleep around or deal with dating. We both knew that in approximately 4 years we would have to part. We also knew a relationship takes work and time which neither of us had. So two friends were adult minded and came to a solution that best worked for each and both of them. A friends with benefits will not and does not work if your ready for a relationship. Understand

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    • I want to make sure I understand you correctly. You lived with a girl for four years and shared everything? After that time you walked away? How? I would have been an emotional wreck.

    • Yes I have to admit it wasn't with out sorrow. But it wasn't that heartbreak like a full blown relationship. It was more of parting ways with your best friend whom you shared a bond that was something truly special and unique. Along with recognition of saying good bye to a part of your life forever. I am not saying it's for everyone nor could I say I could do that again. I am sure if it were to be dissected in all its intricacies you would find it was a rare for two people to meet that would be a perfect combination to pull this off. I also believe being older and wiser I believe people could have a friends with benefits.

    • Very rare and not for everyone.

  • I have had the opportunity of having a few friends with benefits but the moment you cross that friendship line not only the friendship becomes weird but when they tell you about the new Real boyfriend you feel jealous, used and friendzoned. We are emotional beans, you can't have a purely physical relationship period, if you try you are just asking to be miserable at some point.

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  • Sometimes two mature adults, who are in a place in their lives where they aren't ready for emotional commitment (they've been hurt emotionally in the past, or they have other issues going on), and they don't want a relationship, (ex: because they don't have time, work, travel, whatever) have agreed to maintain a sexual relationship with another person. This is a good solution as it can have stability to it as a mutual agreement, which is much better than hooking up with strangers, or sleeping around. The person is a friend, and they are trusted to that end, so there is familiarity there, and they can also work on knowing each-other sexually to improve on. And it can also help overcome the feeling of a lack of intimacy they might both feel otherwise.

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  • Because a relationship takes time, effort and communication. If women, and men, both made getting sex a little more difficult you wouldn't have that issue. Also, the availability for birth control, abortions, welfare, people don't have accountable for their actions. For a lot of people sex is "just a way to get off", they don't want to have a connection, they want a hole filled or get their rocks off. In this day and age it is all about convince and the quick fix
    There are some guys, like myself, that unless I have a connection, mentally, I won't even have sex with someone.

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  • For me, it's more a labeling thing than anything else. It is what it is until you decide to call it something. That's when the problems start. There are things of beauty whose names I do not know, yet they please me just the same. I guess I've had a few what you might call FWBs although I wouldn't say there weren't any feelings involved, just different feelings.

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  • because you don't have to be around each other all the time. You can just the person up and meet up to have sex and hang out for a few then go home and do your own thing. It's basically just for booty calls and you can cut them off whenever or have sex with other people if you want

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    • Is being around each other so bad?

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    • lol gosh... letting feelings get involved with the sex? Ughhhh lol jk

    • I know silly me. Lol

  • Yeah, it's rare. For me, it's possible if there's already been a discussion of whether both parties have feelings and want to pursue things - and if both don't, but want to get their sexual needs taken care of, then it can happen. I can be really attracted to a girl, but know also (only because I tried!) that things cannot work between us long-term; so just having some fun in the short-term is possible. It's actually pretty dangerous, though, so I don't really recommend it. Actually, I would say don't try this unless it's really clear that it's ok and possible. Otherwise someone is bound to get hurt.

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  • Whenever I was open for a relationship, I have been treated like shit by the women I dated and got both hurt and dumped in the end, which made me very depressive for a couple of months each time.

    Thats why I basically gave up in seeking a relationship and just enjoy the life that I have with things that I like. It really is that simple.

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  • Someone usually gets hurt in a FBW relationship,, especially someone with a mature mind and understand that making love is more than a handshake, it is a full surrender of the mind and body to be in a naked embrace.

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  • I suppose it's a situation in which both parties have a need for sex, and are not willing to give up other aspects of their lives... and they are both fine with that

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  • I'm pretty sure relationships are more than just about sex

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  • because you want the warmth of body contact, the joy of sex but not the feelings of love... Some people can have sex without love

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  • Nothing lol it's retarded let's do something to feel empty and meaningless after then catch feelings eventually because that's the point of sex but that's not what we wanted lmfao what type of logic is that

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  • Only sloots have friends with benefits

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  • It's really easy young lady... it's just plain and simple sex. I have friends who hang out together and have sex you can kinda say we share. LoL and we're all single.

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  • Some people were just not made to be romantically compatible (or they aren't ready).

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  • I bet the feelings are definitely somewhere even if you are in friends with benefits but you don't accept it and hide it !! but its the best way to fulfil "only" sex desire !! Relationships is about to commitment and faith but friends with benefits is an open pond you come, bath and go lol

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 25

  • Relationships take time, effort and investment to be successful. Some people don't have the inclination to expend that, but still want to have sex because let's face it; it's fun.

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  • There can be many reason why some people might not want a relationship but just casual sex. To name a few
    1) They went through a bad breakup and they want time off.
    2) They find relationships really restricting.
    3) They are picky and they can't find mister perfect.
    4) They like it a lot more than masturbating, lol who doesnt?

    I speak from personal experience here. I tend to go all in in every relationship and when it ends, it kind of leaves me a bit emotionally wrecked and so i need a lot of time of, like now. I recently broke up and I really dont want a new relationship.

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    • You really hit the nail on the head. Yep, this is why.

    • Oh. My. God. You literally just pointed out EVERY reason why I'm wanting a friends with benefits relationship. Yasssss! Someone finally gets it! And make sure it's someone you know you're not compatible with for a relationship, but someone you are physically and sexually attracted to. Yassss!

    • Where can I find someone like you who all ins in a relation 😂?

  • Why not be in a relationship? The first answer that comes to mind is because one or both partners wants to have the option of seeing other people. Another reason could be that they're afraid of the label 'boyfriend/girlfriend' and what it entails--i. e., a higher degree of emotional investment, faithfulness, etc.

    How are people able to not have feelings? In my observation, people DO develop feelings, especially if they've been friends with benefits for awhile. The hormonal changes that occur in your brain after repeated wanted physical contact with another human being are going to endear this person to you. There's no way around this UNLESS... here it comes... you're a psychopath. Psychopaths generally lack the empathy required to form this close emotional bond. Their biology is such that they do not experience emotions as intensely as others, especially emotions such as guilt, remorse, fear, or self-doubt. As such, this hampers their ability to genuinely 'care' for another person, as they have no fear over losing them, no guilt over hurting them, and feel no pressure to go out of their way to please them.

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    • There's no way around this UNLESS... here it comes... you're a... MALE.

      Most males are NOT psychopaths, but they DO have the ability to have sex - and enjoy it - without developing feelings. I know as a woman that's hard to understand, because most women don't/can't work that way, but men are DIFFERENT! We evolved differently because our role in reproduction is so different. But you shouldn't label men as psychopaths for this - it's factually wrong and hurtful.

      I will agree that many women who CAN do this are emotionally damaged in some way (almost never their own fault), but there are also women who can do what men do - simply turn that part of their brain that does "attachment" off and just enjoy the physical part. They aren't bad people for having that ability.

      If you don't have that ability, that's fine - you do what's right for you. But that doesn't make it right for everyone. People - and certainly the sexes - are DIFFERENT!

    • Normal male brains, while not wired the same way as normal female brains due to differences in the way males maximize their reproductive potential (i. e., by having as many partners as possible), are still susceptible to hormonal changes that make them feel romantic attachment. For example, oxytocin is released during/after sex. This is the hormone that creates those feelings of intense closeness with your partner. Their levels of serotonin increases when in close proximity to their partner. Given the feel-good effect of this hormone, this is, by way of conditioning, going to make you want to be around someone. And perhaps most interestingly, some studies have found a decrease in a male's baseline testosterone when in a long-term relationship (versus a short-term relationship or no relationship).
      And this is anecdotal evidence, but from simple observation it appears that men are just as likely to catch feelings for their friend with benefits.

  • sometimes you just don't want to have a relationship but you want sex but not with some random person.

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  • I think some people use it as a blanket clause to sleep with multiple people. If I ever had a friends with benefits I'd want someone who is monogamous to me, because of diseases and stuff like that. But I've never had a guy that was down for being a monogamous friends with benefits lol

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  • Don't worry about people who do that. You know you aren't like that and it's not the best idea, so that's all that matters.

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  • It's about pleasure. I don't want to be in a relationship right now but still I do have needs and so a friends with benefits is a good option. Also I don't want to sleep with different guys all the time (meaning in a few years I wanna be able to say I have slept with a few guys and not the whole fucking planet) , so when I'm in need I just call my "friend".

    How can you separate feelings? You make yourself clear what this is, and like choose someone who is fucking attractive but you both are just not made for eachother. So I do tell myself "Nope, he is that and this person and you don't love him and he doesn't love you, there will never be more, he just makes you feel pretty good and that's it."

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  • I think it comes down to accessibility. That's it. You'd always have one person on the side close to you that you could always repeatedly hook up with until you're tired of it. It's really not fun.

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  • Just lying, probably and doing it to look cool/following trends

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  • it is all about sex.. for a while til one of you goes too far into relationship villes...

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  • The girl catches feelings and the guy doesn't

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  • I don't know vibrators and pegging works wonders 4 me!

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  • Feelings will be there you do it because of the terms you may agree on for me it provided support an someone to honestly chat with an also sleep with why not be a couple because I was moving and it wouldn't work we still talk known each other 3+ years

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  • sex with friends doesn't feel good at all for me, it's a huge turnoff , unless I'm drunk and it's with one of my girl-friends 😶

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  • People mainly do it for sex. I wouldn't be able to do it lol

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  • Because they just have casual sex without much talking involved

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  • These goes for mutual agreement without complicating things but obviously the main reason is sex and friendship.. hahahaha

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  • You do get a feeling of OMG you have that sex with no strings attached

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  • They want boyfriend benefits without the responsibilities. Many of these girls have low self-esteem and don't think they can do any better, so they give in and allow guys like these to have their cake and eat it too, hoping that someday he'll eventually want a relationship. Usually, he doesn't. It's sad, but it's the harsh reality.

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  • If the Friends with benefits thing is just for human pleasure and sex and no emotions, and men are the ones who chase more this. They better find a hooker, to satisfy your sexual needs without any emotional attachment, dont use your friend for sex.

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  • Casual sex without having to be dedicated to one person.

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  • It's a secret

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  • If both agree that sex is only what they are after then why not. But if one of them has feelings and the other one doesn't then it becomes a problem when not talked about appropriately.

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  • Men do it for sex but women do it in hopes the guy will suddenly change their mind and want a relationship. Either way it is just using/taking advantage of someone and isn't a good idea to consent to

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    • I have to disagree with you on that. In the last year, I've been a few, and the women I know are not at all what you describe.

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    • This isn't necessarily true (men and women). I'm currently in one and it's HER that doesn't want more. I've told her right from the beginning I'm open to more.

    • Not at all. A good friends with benefits is someone that you enjoy fucking (and possibly even cuddling) but are not really compatible with outside the bedroom. Women ARE capable of having a successful friends with benefits. I will tell you that having one in the past got me through some hard times. Not because we talked about my feelings and problems, but because it gave me companionship and human touch without the complications of a relationship

  • Friends with benefits is an arrangement for people with commitment issues.

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