I've psychologically analyzed that due to how I grew up (guys never being attracted to me, not being a conventional girl, being a virgin/never having been on a date at nearly 21...) they make me really anxious. Seeing cute guys naked in porn or hearing sexual audio of men makes me feel awkward + can't handle it for long. Lesbian turns me on more/I feel more allowed to visit it if it makes sense.
Another reason why I dont watch hetero is that admittedly if the guy is cute and the girl is cute I feel jealous/sad and start to think it'll never happen for me. So it turns me off. Even in gay male porn I feel like if they're cute I'm being a creep for watching or that it's weird. I also really like girls at the same time. I like guys too, but mostly chubby guys or daddy/dom types. I can easily watch guys in porn if they're "ugly"
But audio wise I tried to listen to some ddlg stuff and it just brought up a lot of negative connotations for me because I had a long distance "dom" that changed me more and ended up being a liar/tool. Listening to it is hot at first/but also embarrassing. And then I remember again that there's noooo way the guys in the audio things would ever find me cute.
So turn off again and now I don't know what to do with my self. It's 4am and nothing is working for me. I would sleep but i just dont wanna have negative dreams or sleep depressed. Im like 100% sure that if a guy did take inrerest in me it would just be to score or have sex. Or that theyd secretly film me. Or tell their buddies about the ugly girl they scored with. What's wrong with meeeeee is this even normalllll?
Sry that this is all over the place im exhausted and rambly blah