Should I avoid going out with a friend's ex FWB?

Long story short: a guy who slept a couple of times with a really close friend of mine has been approaching/texting me for a while now. His intentions are pretty clear, I can't deny that I am attracted to him as well and I would like to go out with him. There's a good feeling between us and we get along really well.

I care about the relationship with my friend more than I do about this guy but on the other side I hate that I should deny myself something that I would appreciate just because my friend had sex twice with him months ago. I told him about this issue and he said that I shouldn't worry about it because it's not my problem, but I know my friend would hate me. He said he understands and that she doesn't have to find out - he's a really private guy and he keeps things to himself, but I still don't know.

What would you do?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Ok.. well, I gotta ask, is this girl actually your friend or is she just someone that you hang out with for convenience cuz if she was your friend you would at least give her the benefit of the doubt and tell her what you were doing. Don't be sneaking around your friends. Tell her straight up and deal with it that way.

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    • 4d

      I already informed her a while ago about his behavior (texting, approaching me) and she said she didn't care, but once I told her that I respect her and that I wasn't gonna do anything if she actually cared she admitted that it would bother her a little.

    • 4d

      Ok, well then you should sit down and decide if its reasonable for her to be upset. Also, recognizing that while it may sting her a little bit, that doesn't mean she has the right to stop you. But you told her that you "respect" her, you kind of made a promise to her. You really need to respect her by telling her what you intend to do, or just let it go.

      Put yourself in her shoes in this, would you want her sneaking around behind your back? Wouldn't you prefer to have her be up front with you? Put a little faith in your friendship. It may be a difficult discussion, but maybe its a discussion worth having. And if its not worth having that discussion, then maybe this guy isn't as important as you think he is.

    • 4d

      Thank you. I'll be thinking about it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

28
  • It's 'none of your friend's business.

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  • 1.) Keeping a secret would be an absolutely horrible choice in my opinion. “She doesn’t have to find out” are nice words to convince someone, but I don’t think they’re all that viable. If that were the case, cheaters and people with secret/illicit affairs would rejoice that they’d never be caught. A relationship can be a big ordeal. Secrets like that leak one way or another, either by accidentally posting something on facebook accidentally, mentioning it to your friend without thinking, or whatever. It’s a bad idea through and through. Then, if/when she found out, she’d have to deal with you dating him and you also lying.

    2.) If you value your friendship, I would suggest talking to your friend about it and getting her side of things. If it was just a friends with benefits and not a full out relationship, she may not care, but I would talk to her regardless of whatever happens.

    You have 2 main possibilities to deal with. The first is if she doesn’t care about the guy and would be fine with you dating him. If this is the case, you got the green light— no worries.

    The second possibility is a bit more complicated. If she isn’t cool with it, you either have the choice of backing off or proceeding anyway. Personally, I don’t think either choice is logically better than the other, since it’s a matter of your vs her happiness in a way. The main thing is that you talked with her before doing anything. Talking to her and saying that you are about to date the guy is better than just doing it and letting her get the shock of it later on, even if you know she’ll reject it.

    Personally, I’d rather choose tried and true friendship over a relationship with a person I don’t know as well, so I’d go with following your friend’s comfortability towards it. If I were, I’d ask her straight: if I date this guy, how will things stand between us? If she would say “I’ll be extremely upset,” I’d back off. I wouldn’t care how the stupid the reason is, since my goal of preserving the friendship would take top priority.

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  • I'd say If it was casual then it's okay for you to go for it, but if it was like a full relationship -specially if it ended badly with your friend getting heartbroken- then avoiding it would be the right thing to do.

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    • 3d

      It was totally casual and it happened months ago. My friend mentioned a couple of times that she wouldn't want to hook up with him again but they still see each other and talk once in a while since they are friends. Nothing serious, though - if they had been an actual couple in the past then I would definitely avoid it without having to think about it.

  • Do whatever makes you comfortable. I don't like the fact that he's telling you to keep things from your friend though. It sounds like he's only thinking of himself.

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    • 3d

      We talked about it and he just said that in case we both agreed to do so I could completely trust the fact that he wouldn't say anything because it wouldn't be my friend's business. But anyway, I agree with your thought

  • Don't do it. Why ruin a friendship over someone who will sleep with you a couple of times then move on (which he will do, whatever he tells you)

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  • I wouldn't. Any guy who saying "she doesn't have to find out" is big trouble.

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  • Best thing to do is ask your friend if it's okay, if not then I would respect her and leave the guy alone

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  • Well maybe if ur friends still keen on the friends with benefits then im thinkin be a good opportunity for a 3sum.

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  • if you are worried about the friendship between your female friend, then dont go out with this guy

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  • Tell the friend. And then date him.

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