Why does these things still affect me after 7 years out and not thinking about it?

Anonymous
My first boyfriend I was 15 and he was 22.

It ended because he slapped me, pushed me, threatened to kill me, threatened me with a knife, locked me inside, stalked me, pathological jealousy, him drinking and smoking weed.

I have just been thinking if this was normal and I am too embarrassed to tell anybody, I have just started thinking about it lately because normally i don't give it much thought. I can talk about anything with family but not sex so i am asking here. Once after he slapped me he would have sex with me, like an apology while I was crying. I didn't cry loudly, i don't think he saw until after and I didn't tell him to stop. Another time he came just to have sex with me to check if i cheated on him while he was gone, i didn't tell him no. I didn't enjoy though. First time together I said no, so he rubbed his penis on my thigh until he came. Didn't wanted to use condoms with me, checked to see if I used birth control and got angry once he thought i was taking a pill. I am so disgusted by these memories and ashamed of my weakness.

I was young, but I feel ashamed, I am not that weak anymore, why didn't I fight for my dignity, maybe it was my fault because I was weak and never told him of before the end, now I try to make sense of it all. I don't get my actions back then, I was too young.
Why does these things still affect me after 7 years out and not thinking about it?
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