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I think I was sexually assaulted/abused?

Anonymous
He was my very first boyfriend. He was 18 and I was 17 when it all happened.

The first instance was the night of prom. I wasn't ready to do anything sexual. But for about an hour he tried to grope me. I resisted but eventually, he did it. I was terrified. It last for about half an hour. I had an anxiety attack until the sun came up. When he woke up in the morning, he groped me again.

Things only got worse into the summer.

One night, he asked me to give him a hand job. I don't remember much, as this was one of the most traumatic nights for me. All I know is that I said no, but he pulled down his pants and he took my shaking hand and he made me do it anyway. I was crying the entire time.

Another night, I was lying on my stomach and he pulled down my pants and underwear against my will.

I had an eating disorder when I got into the relationship with him. Ironically, he told me he had a fat fetish. I was fine with the fetish, but the way he acted on it made me extremely uncomfortable.

One night we were sitting on the floor eating. I finished my food, but he only ate half of his. He forced me to finish his food. Then, without saying anything, he sat behind me, unbuttoned my pants, and put his hands on my stomach. The entire time I was saying no and trying to pull his hands off of me but he would just say “shhhh” and pin my hands to the ground.

I get flashbacks while doing daily chores and when I get into bed at night. I am afraid to tell anyone in real life, as I am ashamed and I feel like it’s my fault. Any comforting words or advice on here would be greatly appreciated.
I think I was sexually assaulted/abused?
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