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Is what I did pathetic. I feel really anxious please answer?

This may be more of a psychology question, but I'm just hoping someone can make me feel better about something I did. I have really severe anxiety issues and something I did recently is making me really anxious. I signed up for an onlyfans type site so I can subscribe to this really hot Spanish girl. I felt weird paying for something like that, but I don't like porn and am really picky with what I'm attracted to. What is making me anxious, and I don't honestly think it's a big deal, is that I messaged the girl that her ass drives me crazy and that I want to see more. I also told her I have a butt fetish. I was hesitant to say that because it just feels weird and pathetic to me to pay a girl to show me her body. I was really horny at the time though and didn't think it through. I'm sure other guys message her things like that, but I felt pathetic afterwards. I also have never had a girlfriend and am almost 30 which makes me even more anxious. In real life, I'm extremely nice and respectful to girls which is why this feels weird and perverted to me. Is what I did that weird or pathetic? I think my anxiety is just blowing it out of proportion right now. Thanks!
Is what I did pathetic. I feel really anxious please answer?
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