Weird to fantasize about an older cousin who acted inappropriately toward me when I was a child?

Anonymous
The basic bio details:

I'm male, currently 27 y/o.

My cousin is female, three years older than me.

This all happened when I was about 12 and she was 15. Our families have been very close my whole life (we all went to the same schools, lived within a mile of each other, spent vacations together, etc). She was always a bit of a "bad girl" / wild child in her teens / early 20's.

Around the time I was 12-ish and she was 15, there was a 1-2 year period where my cousin acted very overtly sexual towards me.

Examples: Pinning me down play-wreslting style but then very deliberately rubbing her crotch against mine; flashing her breasts to me when she was wearing a bikini and no one else was around; climbing into my bed on a family trip and wrapping her legs around me from behind and moaning in my ear; seductive winks and licking her lips at me, etc.. It never progressed beyond that stage (no direct genital contact or anything), but even then I knew it was very inappropriate. I was very shy at that age (especially around girls), so when she would do stuff like this I would just pretend I was asleep, stay silent, or otherwise pretend it wasn't happening because I had no idea how to react. We never talked about how she was acting towards me, then or since.

But what really kind of messed with my head is that I found myself fantasizing about her sexually quite a bit. I was just hitting puberty at the time, she was a pretty attractive girl, and no one else had acted like that to me before, so she became the focus of a lot of my masturbation fantasies. It was really confusing - I knew that her behavior toward me was wrong and it was also not right for me to think about a relative sexually, but I just found myself thinking about her a lot like that. I don't see my cousin very often anymore because she lives out of state (she's married now and has a few kids). But I still find myself getting aroused and fantasizing about her when I see her on the infrequent occasions that she's in town (for family weddings and such).

Is it weird to still fantasize about this? Anyone else ever had a similar experience to this?
Weird to fantasize about an older cousin who acted inappropriately toward me when I was a child?
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