Is society getting better at valuing female arousal as a key part of sex?

When I was younger, it didn’t seem like anything that was discussed. There was a lot of emphasis on emotional readiness, but none on valuing full sexual arousal as a prerequisite for sex.

Sometimes it seemed like female sexual response was considered optional and not key because an erect man can still penetrate an unaroused female. Not explaining that painful and difficult sex - which was almost considered a female right of passage - is often caused by lack of female physical readiness at the moment - not emotional issues.

Is this miseducation getting better for the younger generations?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Going back farther than you (lol) the education was on the mechanics of procreation. Very little on satisfying anyone. The guys seemed to know how to satisfy themselves and that was all that was needed. Some of us valued the woman's enjoyment and tried our best, but were still a bit lost. But I think it has now been many years ago that the importance of the female enjoyment became well known. I don't see that the last few years have made that big a difference on the education, but I think I see the attitudes of men changing.

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    • Even simple things, like why deep sex can hurt from hitting the cervix and how to avoid that seemed like a mystery when I was first learning about sex. It’s strange to think now, but there was just no information out there.

    • Going back to my youth, there were some books, but they were hard to find. And not as informative as today's info.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Sometimes I think so. But a lot of people are really bad at understanding science, especially anatomy and physiology, and the ignorance is to the level of shit being labeled wrong even in medical-school textbooks.

    Men have just got to stop being so fucking butthurt that women want sex that isn't miserable all the time.

    Honest fellas! If WE like it more then we'll do it with you more and you'll have better sex for longer with your woman. Even if you both save yourselves for marriage, you can still learn how to be decent to your wife in bed.

    Lesbians just don't ever have this problem.

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    • I should make a few fake accounts to like that more than once... DAMN IT, MHO here please, I beg you! :D

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    • It's not going to change ME, because I don't value the sexual opinions of sexists who are 25 with a 69 in their screen names. It already informs me that you don't have my well-being in mind. Just the same boring sexist narrative about sex that leads to lousy sex.

      But it MIGHT effect some teenage woman reading this. she might think that if she talks about what she needs, and ways in which her life is being made worse by sexism, that men will reject her and she won't have happiness. In this, I hope she's reading me more than she's reading you. Strong women telling other women how to be strong is what fixes the problem. You're just the problem, with your uninformed, deplorable sexist attitudes. YOU MAKE SEX BAD. YOU. You and your narrative. YOU ruin sex for women. Not some men, or men, or some abstract concept. YOU personally. Whoever you may be.

      Hopefully women get the idea that our pleasure is more important than winning the approval of men like you.

    • Not to mention, you CAN DEFINITELY have painful or otherwise lackluster sex with a partner you find attractive, if you don’t fully realize how your body works. I’ve experienced this myself as a younger person with a “bigger” partner. I simply didn’t know enough to know how to fix the problem and despite being a good guy, neither did he.

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What Guys Said 128

  • Yes, the irony being that as the physical arousal of women is getting more focus, the emotional aspect of male sexuality is getting short shrift. It is a weird twist that reflects the fact that as women's issues are becoming more prominent generally, the fact that men are dying earlier, having more health issues, more suicides and are dropping in terms of college graduation and employment rates is being missed.

    In terms of men, the research is finding that men are actually more emotionally committed to relationships than women. There are evolutionary reasons for this, but it very much runs against popular perceptions and cultural assumptions.

    (Fun little aside, the polls on this site are unscientific but sometimes they hit on a scientifically verified data point. I posted a poll asking if the respondent preferred "wild" sex or "romantic" sex. More women - both in absolute terms and as compared to men - wanted wild sex. More men - both in absolute terms and as compared to women - wanted romantic sex. Who knew? )

    So as we generally gain a greater appreciation for women - including in the realm of sex, perhaps making up for previous neglect - our appreciation of men is declining, Popular misconceptions are solidifying about men, and our perceptions are running afoul of the facts.

    Funny old world, measured in terms of health particularly but not only, women are thriving and men are not.

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    • Hey, I am making a new opinion to this as it was longer than is allowed. Check it out...

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    • A couple of points. First, I did not say that giving women more of a voice meant men got less. However, there is a tendency in society to overcompensate. That MAY be happening right now.

      Also, I would add that there is an underlying premise that men and women are no different from each other. That is flat out wrong. It may be that we should adjust the law to a better balance, but if the operating premise is that men and women are themselves essentially the same, we will repeat the most giant mistake of the Great Society programs that utterly decimated minority and poor families.

      Which brings us to the other point. Yes, poor men are doing worse. That will always be true. Poor women will also do worse. The pathologies afflicting both will tend to hurt the poorest first as those who are wealthier have the resources and social capital to mitigate the damage.

      However, that becomes less true over time. (See also the drug culture. It started with the rich, infected the poor, and...

    • then began to afflict the wealthy again. When it did, the war on drugs was born in earnest. However, as we see now with the general tolerance for the drug culture - see also marijuana - the effect is general over society.

      Wealth offers some cushion, but not over the long term.

  • I think it's getting better and worse at the same time for the same reason.
    That reason being the accessibility of pornography.

    If even talking about porn is treated as taboo the inexperienced will think girls will/can get aroused in a second like guys can/do.

    When talking about porn/sex is treated with respect and normalcy. The inexperienced are/can be more likely to seek information about sex from sources other than porn. Where they can learn reality.

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  • I find this surprising bit maybe it reflects where we grew up.

    When I was growing up it seemed like discussion of sex was massively focused on female pleasure, oral on her and her orgasm and pretty much explicit message that more orgasms would mean she’d want sex more.

    From my perspective there’s been a major shift away from that and towards “women like to be used hard by aggressive men”

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    • I grew up in a rural area.

  • This is probably one of the better questions I have seen here. I haven't noticed the trend but I think their was a change over the years. Im not totally sure if its good or not. Sometimes guys measure themselfs on this. We guys are afraid of failing in that department. Its a big worry.

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    • Knowledge is power! :)

      I don’t just mean orgasm, of course. I mean simply not experiencing a great pain and considering it normal. That was considered “just part of it” back in the early 2000s.

  • yep very much i think nowadays men are, in majority , uch more aware of female sexual satisfaction than it has ever been in all recorded history, but still very little is really know about female orgasm and even science is actually only putting their few first steps on the matter, but with time female orgasm will be way more understood and so it will become way easier to achieve.

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  • I think people are less afraid to talk about some things, including enhancing sex. It doesn't hurt that with the semi-anonymity if the internet people can seek information without being judged.

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  • Yeah.

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  • Yeah, an edition of onion news reads in the front page: 'female orgasm discovered!'

    there is progress, certainly

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  • Way, way, WAY better!! Culturally, from societal “norms” created growing up.. arousing your girl wasn’t just rare- it wasn’t done.

    Now. I LOVE it.. it’s the mainstay of any sexual activity. In fact, I like it so much, I don’t think I could do without it anymore - simply because it gets her so aroused...

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  • Not sure I do think more women are more open to share their wants desires and hunger maybe Im weird or just different but I have always since i was a teen to now always thought please the women first always make sure she gets off before me and have always thought giving her multiples first would be the best and make it better for the both of us

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  • I think many women feel that way but what you need to consider is the biological fact, that men must have an orgasm and women do not have to, in fact, whether they do or not almost makes no difference, with respect to pregnancy/procreation.
    So, I think it’s really easy to read the biological things and misinterpret it, as suggesting the female orgasm Isn’t needed or important, simply when studying reproductive biology

    It’s like a different topic, but basically everyone studied the biology in sex Ed

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    • It’s more of the “how” the female body works that was being missed. And not just with orgasm - I’m talking more about not causing her pain or distress.

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    • We had both, if I remember once, but in early years all we learned about was menstruation and in later years is was mostly about pregnancy and stds.

    • Such a difficult age. Education is the only answer,
      Pretty much every one of my friends, and me, humbly can admit, that a girl/woman, at some point, were instrumental in teaching us to be a good lover, maybe they should just tell them both. Boys and girls this is how it is, so hopefully that may make girls realize they have a very important voice and role, and boys will know it’s important to communicate and listen up

  • This is a nice topic.

    While having sex; all of us must think first our female partner's comfort, and then we will join her lust. This must be rule among men but you know; still most of the men never pay attention to that and just penetrate.
    I hope my gender thinks that point more often like you depict; I don't think anything changed on this in our society, maybe variety of sex ways are borned, but i don't think this point changed.

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  • While I'm not one given to generalization ( Society ), as for myself, I've seen a great increase in with this subject, and it's very good for the men and the women alike. The willingness to explore and desire to enhance the female orgasm is a win-win for everyone alike.

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  • There is a lot that's not discussed still about sex and sexuality. It's not something openly accepted and talked about. It's getting their but there are still people that want to keep it hushed and in a closet. That's the problem. You can discuss it and still be mature. But sadly the younger generation is too immature and the older generation is too stuck in their ways of hiding it... So right now it's kinda in limbo..

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  • It is part enjoyable sex if the woman is aroused how can 2 people enjoy it if they are not aroused. That is where foreplay comes in to get the juices flowing and get excited on both sides and the woman takes longer than a male but she can orgasm multiple times where the male gets one chance. It takes a determined male to carry on after he has shot his load. I try and make sure the woman is happy have her orgasm before get to climax !!!

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  • I hope this issue is getting better. There's so much good information available now about the female sexual response that any guy should do his homework and learn what he needs to know.

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  • Ultimate goal for me is make a girl happy I rather her be able to reach her orgasm than me because I can get off by masturbating easy but it’s easier for a girl to get off with a dick unless your asexual but I love helping a girl get off before me because then I get the satisfaction of knowing she enjoyed it

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  • I've always valued full sexual arousal for a woman before intercourse. This has always been a big part for me in every relationship I've ever had with a woman. The foreplay part to me is as important as the intercourse part. It is difficult to figure out the societal part because everyone is different. All I know is that I want her to feel as good as I am. I make sure she is aroused and satisfied before myself.

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  • Speaking of stopping when she says no: i've had girls saying no, but actually meaning "let's see if you can earn it!" Some of the best sex came out of that, and i'm not talking about myself.
    Those crazy bitches you discribed are just not ready to just give their body away for someone's pleasure. So they want to test how passionate we are about it. How patient and how... well yea, how manly. It is to prevent them for being used, that's all.

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  • It never wasn't a key part when i have sex. I dont get people these days! If either the guy or girl somehow aren't aroused then the other one isn't doing their job right, at the beginning, middle, or end! Its all super important that both the guy and girl have the same amount of pleasure, for me personally i want her to cum a bunch of times to my 1 or 2 times

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  • Maybe we live in different circles but I can't remember a time when female arousal wasn't a key part of sex.

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    • I grew up in a time when Britney Spears pretended to be a virgin until like 25, while having the most provacative videos to create desire. She’s like a mini portrait of my generation. 😂

  • No. It is actually getting further from the reality.

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    • How so?

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    • @And that's why the question is "Is my penis big enough?" and not "How do I get her psychologically primed?"

      lol +++++

  • I’ve never had sex in my life but I always assumed it was the goal of sex to make the woman climax first, then the man. Is that wrong? Haha doesn’t matter what I think anyway. It’s not like I’ll ever have sex.

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    • It is. Yes. You are right. It has always been that way. Some women are just concieted and think because they are women they are automatically important so make up these 'sexual liberation' stories "because I am worth it" etc. It has always been the purpose of sex to please the woman. Historical evidence is testimant to this from Medieval times to the present. Nothing has changed it is not a new thing.

  • Yes, there is a larger emphasis on prearousel for women theses days. Only in mature men I think, the knowledge that alowing women time to get comfortable with the situation an idea of sex and a long term relationship gets women hot.

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  • Definitely. It certainly hasn’t exactly flipped its way around, but just living my day to day life if you’re only in it for then the relationship isn’t going to last or that girl you met over the weekend isn’t going to contact you again.

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  • No girl was miseducated like that. That's how feminists interpret prudeness. Prudeness treats both men and women badly.

    As for the question. No, feminists are still prudes but they are misandrist prudes. They not only neglect female arousal but they argue that it's as fickle as the wind: yes means yes, weak #metoo cases.

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  • I don't recall this being discussed publicly when I was in my 20s, but some of my girlfriends certainly did.

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  • It is getting better at disregarding male arousal and saying it's wrong for men to get aroused

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  • I think so. Female arousal is just as important as male arousal. Female foreplay can also be very sensual and engaging for both parties. My close friends have expressed that they do it as well. Also, I think it is really important, if a man finishes first, to finish her off as well. That way it is both respectful, and a wholesome and healthy experience.

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  • I hope not. Until women start taking some responsibility for their own arousal and satisfaction, they deserve neither. I'm no man-whore, nor am I a "player" by any stretch of the imagination. However, I've only ever been with 2 women who took any responsibility for their own arousal and orgasm, and NONE that took any responsibility for mine. Interesting, since all but those very special 2 docked 100% of the responsibility for their arousal and orgasm with me.
    I'm not special. Ask any man with any reasonable amount of sexual experience, and they'll all tell you the same thing. You think men are selfish in bed? Trying having sex with women for a change.

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    • As a woman, having sex unarroused would hurt. And I’m not talking unpleasant, I mean vaginal muscle tearing, which can lead to serious harmful problems that need to be treated medically. Why is it a woman’s job to arouse a man if he doesn’t return the favor?

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    • Well, that's unfortunate. If you're right, that's something I didn't understand, essentially because I've never experienced it. In my 44 years on this planet, I've never met a woman who didn't put the entire responsibility for her arousal, stimulation and satisfaction on her fella. I've only been with 2 who took any responsibility for mine. It's terribly unfortunate that your experience has been entirely different from mine, but my experience also suggests yours is a fluke. You didn't have to say it's men's fault, millions of women have said it before you. They continue to say so to this day. You can ask any number of men you know, and I'm certain the majority will say the same. I won't apologize for something I didn't do wrong, but I'll say this in hopes of reassuring you: there is plenty of information out there to help women better enjoy their own sexuality, and many men who'd love the opportunity to help them do that.

    • I think it’s two sides of the same coin, really. Women not knowing how the heck their body works inside is not going to be helpful to either partner. It was sort of implied that good sex “just happened” and as women were valued more for bring pretty and pure, it would seem it was the “naturally sexual” man’s role. But so many of us didn’t know the actual techniques and kinds of stimulation necessary and so on. Both women and men suffered from this lack of basic knowledge and weird expectations.

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    98

What Girls Said 27

  • Only partially. When I peruse the books that are on the market, I still balk at the one-sidedness of focus. My experience talking to men shows me that *some* are more open to the idea that women have complex sexualities of their own, but a lot of them still live in the cave. Very few men in my life have been able to "get me properly ready" despite a lot of talk.

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    • I have had a few partners who were 3-5 years younger and they seemed to understand it better than the guys who were 5-7 years older, in my own experience. Could have just been them, though.

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    • Haha, and those suckers actually bragged about how many females they already fucked... Oh you wise men, how could I have doubted you *cough cough*...

  • @nightdrot The reason women are thriving and men are not could be because more women are starting to stand up for themselves. They are going after what they want in life instead of neglecting their needs just to satisfy their partner's needs. Women have, for decades, been programmed to sacrafice and give of ourselves emotionally, mentally, physically to our partners and children, to the point that we do not even know who we truly are anymore because we have been every one else for so long. I think men are shifting as well, they were taught for decades to be tough, there is no crying or showing of emotions. Men have been taught they are the bread winners and can do much more physically than a woman, so they do not need emotions or to be on a woman's level. It is all shifting, you are right, because we are all growing, changing and learning. Most men have been spoiled to the mothering and pampering of women their their whole life, and now women are wanting to do more of that for themselves. Including working and being independent. Which maybe because that is happening for women, men are feeling the lack of love, support or emotions, and it causes them to reflect on it. But yes, sexual arousal is being more valued in females because we are finally demanding it.

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    • Frankly, that may be true or not. It was not really my point.

      However, if we are under the mistaken impression that society will survive when 50% of its population is not thriving, we may be apt to be disappointed. We will never know, when the condition of women was not what it is now, what we missed in terms of societal well being.

      What we can be sure of, going forward, is that society does not do very well when a large segment of the population is not doing well. The assumption when we began the welfare reforms of the 60s was that men did not matter to children as much as mothers. So, we cut benefits when a man was in the house. The result has been several generations of rising juvenile crime, teen pregnancy and other issues.

      Both sides matter to the well being of society and neglecting men now because we did women before probably won't help matters.

    • I agree, it will not help at all if it stays with neglecting each other, however it will balance out.

      This paradigm shift will eventually become accepted by all as more of society accepts it.

      They will adapt. Just like children have come to adapt to the working mothers, absent fathers, gay or lesbian parents, grandparents raising their grandchildren, etc.

      Every thing changes and maybe for deeper reasons we do not understand.

    • You are being wildly more optimistic than the data warrants.

      Kids in particular are doing - on a comparative basis - very badly, particularly in a one parent environment. (We have made kids adapt to our needs, but to repeat, based on child suicide rates, child abandonment, juvenile delinquency, etc, the kids are NOT doing well. Their material situation is better, but in terms of social stability, we have regressed.)

      This is only partly about society, it is also about human evolution and in part the psychological propensities that men and women hold by nature. In any given person that will vary, but the statistical patterns are a very definite reality.

      Everything changes, but not always for the better and we cannot allow our wishes to be the father of our thoughts. To borrow a phrase, "The optimist believes that we are living in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears that he is right."

  • Nope. Sex education in the US is still an absolute joke. In some states, it legally doesn't even have to be truthful, and most still push abstinence-only education. The plus side is that there are more online resources teaching the right thing now, but girls are still being told to expect pain and it's implied that all the fun is for the guys.

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    • God... I mean I'm still a virgin, but I DID admit that concern to a girl, and guess what? She told me that I shouldn't worry about pain for her. But I do.

    • @scooogy You do not have to make a woman hurt and bleed the first time. It takes three simple things to avoid it. Don't "worry" about her pain. Just get educated.

    • @MlleCake thanks, I am meanwhile :)

  • Both are needed for most girls, and in that order...
    1) Emotional readiness
    The girl must feel an emotional connection resulting from the way they have been talked to, treated and respected by their partner
    2) Arousal
    Once the emotional connection is in place, the arousal can begin!
    If you're good at both, get the ear muffs ready... lol

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  • As one of the older posters here, I hope it has improved. I grew up being terrified of sex, yet to measure myself on my success in attracting boys. Then when young men I dated wanted me to tell them how to please me, I was far too ashamed and ignorant of my body to tell them anything useful. I really hope we've grown past that.

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  • I'm afraid not. As a teenager, I don't think I was taught well on sex education, which makes me believe I have nobody to go to for it. My parents don't want to mention it since I am STILL too young, so I'm not sure what to say for your question. From logical sense, it seems that sexual arousal for females and males are not balanced in our society.

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  • society doesn't revolve around female sexuality. Wake up. You pathetic feminist

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    • There are guys who care about that

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    • So... you totally put words in my mouth. I agree with MlleCake - I wasn’t asking if society is better. I meant is information being spread in ways that make it so even women who choose to save sex for marriage have fewer bad experiences.

    • @Gadas, when men and women are kept in ignorance, that is a societal problem. And it starts with things like YOU being LIED TO about how your body works. You don't have to be a feminist to see that you might not want your vagina in pain every time you have sex. "experienced" men are no more likely to know how your body works than anyone else, because the popular narrative is LIES that are hurtful, not truths that will help you.

      You desire what you see as traditional values and that's fine. You're welcome to make that choice for yourself. I want you to have that choice. But I don't think that choice has to mean you just lie in the bed and get hurt because neither of you knows how a vagina works. Maybe you do not care about ever having an orgasm at all. Maybe you don't care about ever enjoying sex. Ok. That's your right. But WE, the rest of us, are not all horrible people for knowing women CAN enjoy sex, and knowing how to make that possible.

  • Just because attitude of both male and female towards sex is changed now. I think long ago men weren't so interested in knowing n caring about women's sexual satisfaction and women also used to keep it secret ( shyness or because of image n all). But now things are changing. And it's better.

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  • I think we have the internet to thank for this and I'm not talking about porn.
    If there's something that you want to know you can just google it and you'll find a world of information about that subject.
    Also the more mature we get the more open we become when discussing it with our partner.
    Not to mention that your partner will be more sexually experienced unlike a a guy in their 20s.

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  • All my boyfriends seem to have known to take the time to get me aroused.

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  • I think its definitely getting better, but it will probably decades before its equally accepted.

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  • Somewhat, there are people who still won't accept this as a key element to female satisfaction. Hence the, am I too tight questions on here.

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  • I now it's become the total opposite. Today's society focuses more on sexual arousal than emotional readiness... u have the one or two sources reminding people that you need to be ready for it emotionally, physically and mentally... but it's really about "if you feel aroused, it's okay to have sex" nowadays.
    And I think the younger generation is more equipped with the ability to make a girl sexually aroused because there's more focus in foreplay. I've been watching an old show lately, and one of theirs jokes was "foreplay isn't that important" and the females just look at the guys and shake their heads. U don't see that on tv anymore... the girl is always seen sexually aroused and a good amount of foreplay is always in screen before sex.

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  • It’s hard to say for sure, but it may be getting better. My boyfriend that I lost my virginity to seemed to have a reasonable understanding of it, ut he probably learned it from his older brother. We were both virgins, so I’m sure he talked to his brother first to try to get some tips. My college boyfriend was awful at first, but never really got the concept of foreplay. Two minutes of fingering and two more of oral is not enough. But he had been with other girls before me. My boyfriend now is un-fucking-believable. So, I can’t say it’s based on age or experience. I guess it mostly depends on the guy and how and who he learned about sex from. I’ve had two good lovers and one bad one, and two out of three ain’t bad. So I’m hoping it’s getting better for us girls.

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    • You remind me of these little sex scenes where men just dive down right into her muff, and she just acts like she'd enjoy that.

    • Thanks? I’m not really sure what you mean by that. So confused now.

  • MEN WHO THINK THATS OK OR MAKE WOMEN FEEL BAD FOR BEING AROUSED OR NEEDING TO BE FIRST ARE PIECES OF SHIT AN NEED THEIR DICKS CUT OFF

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  • Yeah isn’t it obvious?

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  • ... maybe

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  • yes, I believe so

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  • Hell no. Still male centered

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  • it seems like it yes

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  • I think so.

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  • It probably is

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  • Haha

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  • Yes... Guys should know that u can't put the HARD DICK just like that... THAT VAGINA has to be SOFT first!!! It has to be WET and erect..
    Like u guys get hard when erect...
    We females get soft and wet when aroused!
    And for to make wet you have to foreplay with her.. With each other first before having sex!
    Foreplay is imp!

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  • Not really

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  • Not in sex ed classes lol. But in society maybe

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    • yeah, MAYBE. I think not, though.

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    • I know right? I mean why even teaching it then? I never really learned much about menstruation

    • @scooogy Actually though, all I learned throughout all of my sex ed classes was that the guy needed to get an erection, then put it in the vagina and the ejaculation happens and then the woman gets pregnant. And STD's are a thing. And that's basically it.

  • Well, it has helped that there have been scientific examinations of the strength of the female orgasm, studies demonstrating the best way to achieve it and a greater female free will. Due to the nature of sex, I don’t think it’ll get much better than this really... unless perhaps in the future, an invention allows people to feel each other’s orgasms during sex. Surely then men will focus on ours because they are way stronger. lol

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    • Even before orgasm, though. Arousal should take place before penetration.

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    • It seems like a big step!

    • @Asker It is!

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