How and when should I tell a guy I don't want to have sex with him?

So this guy and I have been having a 'thing' for the past month. We're both in different colleges and not dating, but we do act like a couple. We hold hands publicly, kiss publicly, make out, cuddle and stuff but never had sex.

I feel like he's getting more and more passionate every time we kiss and he takes things one step further, slowly but surely. I'm pretty sure he expects us to have sex soon but the thing is, he's moving to another country for good after Christmas and I know we'll have no future.

We're not 'together', nor are we casually dating but we're pretty much exclusive since we only ever hang out with each other (only reason we're not dating is cause he has never asked me out on a date. We usually hang out in groups and then go home together, make out, sleep in the same bed and cuddle then have breakfast or lunch the next day). I don't want to have sex with him - ever - only because I KNOW it's a short-term relationship, plus we're not even dating. I wanna save that for my boyfriend or at least someone I know I have a future with. How and when do I say it to him if he has never brought the topic of sex up?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Right now, you are effectively LYING to this guy, because you haven't told him this up-front and let him made a decision whether or not to continue to "date" you.

    This is going to sound cruel and shallow, but you need to hear it because it's the truth. Most men don't want female "friends"; they only pay attention to women if they have sexual or romantic (which itself implies sexual) interest in them. They become "friends" hoping that things will eventually become sexual (or romantic and sexual).

    Now, obviously, you are doing sexual stuff with this guy already, so he thinks he's on the path that is going to lead to actual sex, and you certainly can't fault him for thinking that, can you? But you already know, and have known, that you don't plan to have sex with him, so, essentially, you are using him for what YOU want (attention), but have no intention of giving him what HE wants (sex). Chances are, when he finds out, he's going to be both hurt and PISSED OFF, because he's going to feel used and lied to. This is no different from a guy who has been having sex with a girl by promising that they'll "eventually" make their relationship "official' when he has no plans of ever doing that. When she eventually realizes that it's never gonna happen, she's hurt and pissed.

    If you were up-front with the guy from the beginning about not having sex with him, and he CHOSE to continue to spend time with you and give you the attention you want, then that would be totally fine, because he made his choice with full knowledge of the situation. Even though he'd be hoping you'd eventually change your mind, he knows the whole time that it may not happen, and knows he took that risk himself. But you weren't honest with the guy, and now you're hooked on the attention, and are stringing him along with implied promises of future sex that you know you're never going to make good on.

    I'm assuming you're a virgin from the way you asked your question, and at least you can use that as an excuse (a kind of BS one, but still). But you need to come clean with this guy ASAP, even if that means he never talks to you again. And in the future, you shouldn't "date" guys who you would never sleep with (unless you tell them so up-front), because the whole world assumes that if you start dating, you are heading down that path, and if you know you aren't, and you don't tell the guy, then it's all a lie.

    • Well, that's the thing. We're not dating nor are we together. Nothing has been established between us, we're just in a sort of limbo right now. If we were and we had a future together I'd happily lose my virginity to him but I know this thing between us is only temporary, no matter how much and how hard I'm falling for him. I'm afraid if I lose my v-card to him I'll be that much more attached to him. Are you saying he's only in it for sex though?

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    • You're confused because you've allowed yourself to be in a confusing relationship. You shouldn't be doing PDA/kissing/making out, etc. with a guy you won't have sex with. You my still be a virgin, but you're also an adult, and so is he, and adults expect relationships to eventually include sex (and that's a reasonable expectation). Making out and PDA are things people in a romantic relationship do, so even though it isn't "official', that's still what everyone expects.

    • He's not in it JUST for sex, in the same way you don't go out to dinner JUST to eat food, but it's kind of the key element of the experience, and there's be little point in going to a fancy restaurant if they didn't serve food, right?

      I'm not saying you owe him (or anyone) sex, I'm saying you can't have it both ways. If you aren't going to give him sex, then stop doing the other stuff too, because you are building false expectations for him and just making it confusing for both of you.

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What Guys Said 3

  • just tell him. communicate what you want with him. if you'd like a relationship maybe tell him that. it sounds like you have one already it's just not been declared.

  • You should of told him already but next time you get hot and heavy you should. I believe you should not even let it get to that point again anyway as he may be getting very frustrated.

  • If you are certain you won't have sex with him, what's the point ?

    Just dump him.

    • Why the hell does it have to be about just sex? I have no issues having sex with a guy who's my boyfriend but he's not and we don't have a future together. We just like spending a lot of time with each other

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    • But I do feel really strong feelings for him too but I'm afraid I'll get waaay too attached if we have sex. It's not the lack of interest on my part, it's just that I know I'll be heartbroken when he leaves and us having sex would just make it that much harder for me to let him go eventually :/ How do you think I should go about telling him I don't want sex but still have this 'thing' continue as per normal? Or do you think it'll change things?

    • Between having the regret of not doing something, and doing something then having the regret of not doing it again, I know what I'd choose. It's really up to you, to have sex with him and enjoy delightul months, or not having sex with him (telling him why or not), and letting him go.

      I just can tell you that if you told me what you plan to tell him, I would put an end to it immediately. It's always better to move on, than to live on illusions, especially if they lead to frustration.

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