I don't know how to be happy. I feel as if I'm begging myself to hang on at this point. I can't go back to therapy.. Help?

I've had depression for awhile now. I've completely forgot how it feels to be happy. I've been to therapy twice, I still have their diagnosis papers and how to treat it. They said it'd go away in 7 weeks. That was like 7 months ago, I've done everything they said. I don't know. I play music at full volume with my headphones on just to drown out the voice in my head. My boyfriend gets mad when I don't tell him what's wrong. But I don't know what's wrong, so how can I tell him what I don't know? One thing, like a small negative remark, brings back every negative thing in my life. I've tried to kill myself 9 times. Funny thing is, I've tried the same method each time expecting different results.
I don't think I want to die. I want to be happy. But what is happiness? How do I achieve it when my parents are to busy to help me achieve it? Or the fact that my parents actually don't love each of their kids equally, because they'll take my brother places, and when they ground my siblings they just actually warn them not to do it again, and they take everything from me?
I think I'm just a failure, honestly. The only thing I have going for me is my grades. And even then, everyone else in my classes have better grades than me. I don't have any talents because everything I've ever enjoyed was taken from me early on.
I don't know how to be happy. I feel as if I'm begging myself to hang on at this point. I can't go back to therapy.. Help?
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