Search Results: boyfriend raped me

1. When a guy ask me out I assume he wants more
2. I get defensive quick, my first thought is cheating, failure or abandonment
3. I can talk openly and have deep conversation, but if a guy shows interest in a romantic way I freeze and run away I avoid conversation about it
4. Too scared to be sexual, cause I caught feelings for my friends with benefits and he didn’t want me in a romantic way (I am celibate because of it. Have been for years).
5. I am loving, witty, caring and open.
6. I love dates, but I don’t want to date I just want the guy I am supposed to be with sent from the heavens. And not do the work behind finding “the one”.
7. I can be unavailable emotionally and cold
8. Don’t like PDA or getting physical with anyone.
I love being single, love my freedom but I get lonely more often than I can count on two hands. And everyone around me are in love (friends and family). I am happy for them but I often look at my hopeless situation.
7. I feel bitterness towards men
8. I haven’t had the best experience with men. I have been sexually harassed/raped, my dad cheats on my mom all the time since I was a little girl, my first boyfriend left me for someone else, was in a abusing situation and my friends with benefits hurt my feelings.
9. Reading and hearing about men doing women wrong makes me explode even more, especially dating today and how gross we treat each other.

I am ready to shake it all off and start trusting again. I have been single for four years. I can’t keep up with this sad love life. I have used my free time on myself and I have found my passion (self discovery). I am not ready to fully commitment yet even if I miss the intimacy the most (I am still young, and enjoying life), but I am done being mad at men. They deserve better and so does my soul.

Advice?

So... I am going to see one or 2 or all of them above I don't know yet
But I was wondering what will they do to me

I am going for my past ( abused, neglect , molested , raped and etc )

Here are just a few :
I blackout unexpected
Sometimes I didn't know what I was doing or saying like it can happen so fast
It scares my boyfriend ( actually everythin scared him he is thr one that suggest me to get help ) when he doesn't know what attitude I will wake up.. or have that day
My mood. can change from happy to angry in a matter of seconds

That all I can think of right now

There's this female teen that forced her boyfriend to have sex with her by threatening him with a machete
This is the story:
people.com/.../

And all these comments from males about this are disgusting

Can guys be raped by a female?
Why are guys making jokes about this?
If its a male raping a female, there would be no females that would comment like these pigs

My boyfriend :
In the past he used to play baseball but several times he got hit in his balls with the ball

Me :
I was raped molested abused pushed in my stomach several times and so much more