Search Results: don't want to lose my friend

I cheated on my boyfriend for a month and lied about it for 7 i didn't really love him at first but after that month i started to fall in love with him so i lied and i continued to lie for the 7 months he only wants to be friends with me no matter how much i try and get back together he gave me so many chances to come clean but i didn't. And what i feared the most happened. I lost the love i found and the light of happiness i got from him that ik ill never get back. I don't know whether to fight for him and prove my love and give him everything he deserves or hide my feelings and just stay with friends. I feel so empty without him but my words are meaning less to him because of promises i never kept and the lies i continued. Ik he is hurt and he doesn't trust me. 2 things he values the most is honesty and loyalty and i couldn't give him either. He said he didn't wanna go back to "that" (referring to our old relationship) but what i wanna tell him is he wouldn't go back to "that" he would go to "this" (the relationship and love ik i can give him) but at the same time ik i dont deserves him. I never have, i still dont, and i never will. Just like ik he will never be happy with me and ik if i fight there is a huge chance id lose him because he is tired of me asking to get together. I don't know what to do or how to feel

Hey there..
Umm.. its kinda complicated ;but try to get me ok !
I have this relative that I have deep connection with..
I haven't met him in a loong time till last year i saw him in my aunt's & he was depressed his life went upside down careless dad divorce u know mom who told him i dont care about u...
Anyways..
So i felt his pain cuz i am going through circumstances too.. i tried to get closer to him i made him get out of his room we hang out he was a bit awkward he is a VIRGO and i am ofc a CANCER so gradually i feel something towards him I don't know if its a motherly feeling or its love , he stayed with me in my room for more than a month. We played games we watched movies and other stuff. We had sex as well. I told him i have a crush on him. But he seemed not into me or hesitated tho i can feel he never wants to lose me so.. i care about him so much and i miss him.. i tried my best to get him out of his misery and i succeeded or at least there is a huge improvement in his life. He works now. Today he travelled to another country for business course.. Im happy for him..
The weird thing is lately i feel he kinda gets jealous when i mention other guys for ex: friends from facebook. He asks questions who is this why he texted a heart emoji he confuses me ! I mean if i was friendzoned he wouldn't be jealous !! If i am more than a friend to him whats taking him so long..
The connection we have is sweet mutual respect and any argument that might hurt any of us we drop it automatically either him or me..
He cares about my feelings too as u know cancers are very sensitive...
Im confused !
I don't know what should i do?

Am i rushing things?
Or i am just an obsessed creep?
Tell me

I talked with my friends about this and they gave me the answer i wanted to hear. I wanna hear strangers opinions who dont know me. Ok so i have a realistic dream job i wanted to be a doctor since grade 8 after seeing my uncle's clinic where he performs operations. I was really interested and decided thats my job (if i pass college etc..) for sure. But recently i foudn a new and completely opposite career path that i'd like to follow. The problem is that after many researches my unrealistic dream job is far fetched like being a famous actress in hollywood (thats not my dream job just an example) because i'd need to put money and my time for this career, but thats what i badly want to persue. I am truly lost. I feel like i want to become a doctor cause thats the "safe" job but ill be depressed in my life that i couldnt persue the other. However my dream job has so many obstacles in the way and ill do whatever it takes to overcome them. BUT i'd be taking a risk cause its not a guarantee ill be successful and most probably ill flop. I thought of doing both maybe, like going to college (which is next year) to study in he medical field while in my free time i work on my dream job (it has to do with composing music etc) but i won't have time for it because i have to give my 110% attention to my college and homework so i could pass, and i'd be waisting a large amount of momey to be somewhat recognized for my music.

Im sorry this is too long but im genuinely confused and i'd love your guys input or experiences. Thank you for taking your time to read this post much appreciated :)