Search Results: defensive boyfriend

I believe that there is a certain behavior necessary in order to truly be a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Now, before some defensive men rush in here huffing and puffing about how some women don't know how to be a girlfriend, that's for an entirely different post. Please do not come here and derail this post because you can't help but be slightly self-absorbed and refer to your own frustrations.

I may be slightly biased because I am a damn good girlfriend who has consistently gone out of my way to be good to my man; honor him on special days, strategically give him delightful memories, and cater to his every sense. In addition, I am loyal to a fault and I intensely defend his honor in any way necessary. Now, I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I am well aware *based on observation and male experience* that most females are not willing to go to the extreme lengths I go to in my relationship. So, it's very frustrating when he doesn't quite return the gesture. No, this doesn't discredit his potential as a good human being. No, it doesn't mean he's some horrible boyfriend who should be bashed. No, this doesn't negate from all of the good things he has done. This just means that he innocently believes mediocre behavior is acceptable. He thinks that his ordinary, average, unremarkable, uninspirational, forgettable, amateurish behavior as a boyfriend is tolerable.

Now, am I trying to change him? No...and yes. No, I'm not trying to change his personality. Yes, I'm trying to help him grow and develop so he can possess the skill to be a divine boyfriend. Is that really so wrong? If we all just had the stubborn idea that we don't need to change, we would stay immature and never grow. I currently feel that he doesn't know how to be a boyfriend because he habitually lacks the most basic, courteous, common sense behavior that a boyfriend should act on towards a woman who treats him so right.

Your thoughts? What are your personal experiences relating towards this?

My boyfriend and I fight sometimes (like most normal couples). The issue is that what starts as an insignificant fight turns into an almost break-up because of how we speak to each other when we're angry. He calls me horrible names, attacks my character (without giving constructive criticism or any ideas on how the issues could be fixed), and uses generalized language that is both outrageous and impossible to defend against (ex. "you're always doing this" "you never do this" even when it's something that he'll admit to later that's clearly not true).

I tend to bring up old issues and ask too many questions. I see it as trying to make sure I properly understand what he's saying so that there are fewer misunderstandings. He sees it as interrogation and gets defensive and then attacks me.

We both have issues on this subject, so I suggested that we have a calm discussion, when we're not mad, about how we can communicate better. I thought setting some rules like 1) don't bring up old issues. 2) no name calling/character attacks. would be helpful so that maybe we wouldn't completely de-rail every time we fight. he thinks this idea is stupid, and humored me so we did it, but now when we fight and he breaks one of the rules (like calling me names) and i point it out, he tells me that our relationship is unhealthy because we shouldn't need rules for how we fight.

For example, he stays out all night on a night when he promised to be home, I tell him that I'm hurt and upset and ask where he was and what he was doing. he calls me a psycho bitch. I say "please stop calling me names, you promised not to do that anymore." During the fight, he won't apologize, but later he'll say sorry, but also that he "couldn't help it" because he felt like I was attacking him. If he does something upsetting, even pointing out that i'm upset feels like "an attack" to him, yet he's the one name calling and saying horrible things.

I think some rules would help us. Thoughts?