How to politely tell a guy you're taken?

[MaskedSanity]

This isn't a broad question, so a generic "Just tell him" doesn't work.

I'm talking about those types of situations, where a guy approaches you out of the blue and his intentions are pretty obvious. If you shoot them down straight away, you're branded a bitch as per this classic example: link

But if you don't let them know straight away, you're a slut who just likes leading guys on for attention.

"Well maybe he was genuinely trying to be nice and befriend you!"

Right, because when guys normally go to clubs, they're thinking "Hot damn, I'm gonna make me some new FRIENDS tonight! Why the fuck would I want to get laid?"

Most people go to clubs to find potential hookups. And then there's the minority, who are just friends tagging along, wingmen (or women) or sometimes it's a staff day out - this is me.

Whenever I find myself in a situation like that, I tend to casually insert something about my boyfriend into the conversation. The penny doesn't always drop and then I end up being quite frank to which I'm told I'm horrible for "leading him on". There's just no winning here.

So I'm open to suggestions on how to let guys know you're in a relationship without going on the defensive the second a guy approaches you.

[Dandeus]

You really do just tell him. At least tell him as little as possible. Making up elaborate excuses or stories is pathetic.

When he offers you a drink or asks you to dance: "sorry, no thank you" or "thanks, but I'm alright here"

If he asks why: "I'm just here to hang out with my friends"

If he persists, you know he's after a hookup: "sorry, I said no and I have a boyfriend and I'd rather just hang out with my friends"

[MaskedSanity]

That's pretty sound advice. Thank you.

What about when this happens in a non club scene? For example, work colleagues?

[Dandeus]

You can't assume coworkers are looking for hookups. If you work in an office or someplace where you have personal space, have a few pictures of you and your boyfriend prominently displayed. If they're people you actually interact with, they may genuinely just be looking to socialize. If it's just someone at your workplace that you don't know asking you to go get drinks, you can just politely decline. At work they really have no leverage for pressuring you if you refuse, unlike in a club.

[MaskedSanity]

Ah, picture by the desk is a great idea! Wearing a ring doesn't seem to work as well, but I'll definitely go with the picture.

[Dandeus]

Wearing a ring works... maybe not on every guy, but it definitely works. I absolutely notice the rings. Some guys just don't care if you're taken. They think they can get you in bed regardless of your relationship situation.

[MaskedSanity]

I really hate that. And the worst part is that some girls do cheat and just perpetuate the idea that you can get any woman you want, if you're persistent enough.

I had guys openly hit on me, when my boyfriend is standing right there! Fucking appalling. We actually had to leave one place, because some creep kept following me around whenever I had to go to the loo.

[TedStar]

In the club you show him signs of disinterest. No eye contact, closed off body language, talking about your boyfriend or pointing out that some other guy in the club looks cute, not flirting,no enthusiasm, short answers. in the club the window of opportunity is small and most guys will understand and move on.

[MaskedSanity]

Although that's good advice, quite a lot of guys view it as "playing hard to get".

[TedStar]

I see. If he makes a move give him this look link

[TedStar]

RomanticPeanut has the right idea. Engage the guy a little and then hit him with the honest truth> if he calls you a bitch or playing hard to get then that is his problem

[Tigerbaby994]

"That's really sweet of you, but I'm in a committed relationship. I really respect and/or love the guy I'm with. If you'd like, I'd be more than willing to be friends though."

I find that being honest and upfront is the best route to go. It's not fair to lead someone on, but you can still be tactful.

[TangerineFire1]

If being polite is not working...it is time to pull the bitch out. Being polite does not work with some individuals. You have to lay the smack down, to get through to them. Do you really care what they think, if they are crossing the line and you have made it very clear that you are not interested.

[1BigGiantMF]

Tangy you are after my heart. Love a woman who says it like it is.

[MaskedSanity]

You completely missed the point. If someone is being pushy and a twat, they'll get a swift kick in the gonads within a heartbeat.

There's a big difference between a guy, who was informed of my situation and keeps trying to hookup and a guy who has approached me with what seems like romantic intent, but I'm not entirely certain.

I'm talking about times, when they're NOT being twats, so you don't want to shout HURR DURR I HAS BOYFRAN BACK OFF OKAY like a prejudice moron.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

i tell him when he asks me out. I just say I have a man. but if he's just talking to me, I don't mind conversing I just keep it friendly and don't flirt. if he felt led on because I didn't tell him I had a bf 5 mins into the convo then that's his issue

[The-Dude-Next-Door]

When he starts to lead on to meeting again another day or if he asks for your number say, "I and my boyfriend would like to hang out sometime" If he's genuine, he will want to be friends with both of you. If he just wanted to hookup, you'll never hear from him again.

[MaskedSanity]

Haha, good point. :D

[palek]

You seem to be too concerned with "appearances". If some dud hits on ya, just hit him with something subtle yet firm like "Stick to Craiglist, Moonface!", and keep on moving.

[MaskedSanity]

I'm trying not to be an asshat.

[Anonymous]

It does not matter if I am single or not I say I am taken or I have a boyfriend. I won't say it rudely but I always find a way to bring it up. Some guys will keep bothering you if you say you are single because they are desperate and crazy. And some guys are nasty and they don't care if you have a boyfriend yet they most likely come on here the next day and wonder why they got friendzoned. Lmao

[MaskedSanity]

More like the Loveshy forums, lol.

[romanticpeanut]

Complement him on having the guts to approach you and then tell him that you're already taken with the love of your life.

[MaskedSanity]

That actually sounds pretty good. Thanks. :D

[Kupacus]

I AM MaskedSanity and I'm taken, so you can go FUCK YOURSELF. Let some firecrackers explode as you turn around and walk away for more awesomeness.

[MaskedSanity]

I would pay big bucks to get my own supporting special effects to follow me around.

[quovadis911]

Just don't re engage in the conversation. The convo will die and he will leave. And don't look at the guy, and ensure your body doesn't face him.

[MaskedSanity]

But I don't want to be rude to them. A few times I got to meet guys who were interested and after finding out I'm taken, completely respected that and we became friends instead.

I don't want to shoot every single person down, because not all of them are jackasses. :<

[quovadis911]

Just because a girl has a boyfriend doesn't mean she won't hook up. You think you became friends, but really these guys are trying to fuck u. They realize you won't give it up today, but you might in the future, thus they'll be your friend in hopes that it will happen eventually. They know from experience that you might get tired of your boyfriend, or have a fight with him, and then you'll fuck them.

U don't have to b rude, just distant, anything other than that will be interpreted as sub communicated interest.

[MaskedSanity]

That's a bit too generalizing and judgmental for my taste. I don't assume every guy who's friendly with me wants to get in my pants.

I know how to pick my friends and broke off all contact with those, who had no respect for my boundaries.

[quovadis911]

Okay, but I know men better than you do, they all want to screw u. These so called friends, at night before they go to sleep, I'm sure all of them have jerked off thinking of u. Being attracted to you was the reason they approached in the first place, and they are still attracted.

[quovadis911]

By the way, I just opened your profile and saw your picture, your gorgeous. Those guys ABSOLUTELY want to sleep with u, I know that's what I'd be trying to do. You have a captivating beauty. Your boyfriend is extremely lucky.

[MaskedSanity]

I appreciate the compliments, but you'd be surprised at how many guys told me I'm a worthless piece of shit, because I'm not pretty or feminine enough and that I would die alone, if I didn't "fix myself".

The "friends" that were trying to sleep with me slowly faded away, when they realized nothing was going to happen. They can wank all they want for all I care. I still refuse to assume ALL men are sex crazed lunatics.

[quovadis911]

Maybe your right, perhaps I'm just a sex crazed lunatic lol. As of needed to fix yourself, I think those guys have a few screws loose. If I saw you at an event I'd totally try to get with you, your hot, but I live on the other side of the world so it won't happen, but keep your head up, you're beautiful.

[Bluegameroyon]

well if you're taken, just tell him that a man owns you.

that's when they know that you're taken and that you are possessed by someone :).

cuz that's what taken means *facepalm*

[MaskedSanity]

Yes, lets cry over semantics now.

[Bluegameroyon]

no woman no cry

[Deviouscourage]

You care too much about what people think about you. Worry about moving on, and preventing the thought of your boyfriend to think your cheating.

[MaskedSanity]

It's a curious situation and I was wondering if there was a decent response to it.

And he wouldn't think I'm cheating. We have trust in each other and never gave reason to suspect anything, so all is good.

[Anonymous]

i can't understand why it would be so difficult. Just tell him nicely that you've got a boyfriend. It is as simple as that.

[MaskedSanity]

Please refer to my reply to TangerineFire1.

[Opinion Owner]

yeah I've saw your reply. You're just making a mountain of a molehill. You seem to feel guilty for telling them the truth, even though their intentions might seem sincere and harmless. Why?

[Opinion Owner]

let me guess, they're your friends secretly in love with ya and trying get some nookie from you.

[MaskedSanity]

When a guy approaches you saying "Hi.", is your immediate response "I have a boyfriend."?

I find that sort of behavior to be rude and rather vain, thinking every guy saying hello to you instantly wants to get in your pants. I started a new job recently and of course there's plenty of men there. Immediately telling everyone who approaches you that you have a boyfriend just makes you look like a conceited moron.

[Opinion Owner]

You're assuming he's going to steal you from your bf? huh? You only tell them when they flirt with ya. Just start off with. "Yeah me and my boyfriend are going to do something road trip on Saturday"

You sound so stressed out about this like they're gonna pounce on you the first time meeting you. lmao. Take a chill pill, no every guy thinks about sex when meeting you.

[MaskedSanity]

You fail to comprehend my question and didn't even read what I wrote in response as evident from your complete derailment from the topic and onto making assumptions about my perception of men and "stealing me from my boyfriend". Seriously, where did that come from?

There is absolutely no stress involved in my posts and the whole point of my initial question was that I DON'T think all men are after sex. If I did, then I'd just be informing every penis owner of my dating status.

[Opinion Owner]

Why can't you accept you can't win with them or make them listen?

[Opinion Owner]

Report to HR is what I'd say to fix them if polite don't do.

[MaskedSanity]

Because generalizing is terrible and unintelligent.

[Anonymous]

Just throw your drink in his face and say, "Fuck off! I have a boyfriend, loser!"

Works every time, I see happen in the clubs often.

[MaskedSanity]

Key word is "politely".