Search Results: having sex for the first time

Let me just start off by saying that my mother isn't the worst mother in the world, and she wasn't outright abusive (or at least I don't think she was), but I just think she failed as a parent, but it's not entirely her fault because she picked most of this stuff up from her mother.

She was sleeping around with a couple different men at the time I was conceived so we don't know who exactly my biological father is. This made me uncomfortable with sex even till this day.

She let me drink Coke since I was 2 followed up by more unhealthy habits which let me to struggle with obesity my entire life.

When she was mad at someone that wasn't around she would take it out on me. Usually by yelling at me when I asked what's for dinner, I still struggle to ask questions to people.

She didn't let me do boxing as a kid so I can stand up to my bullies. She said it was too dangerous.

There were a couple of times she choked me for being clumsy as a kid.

She married a drunk for my first step dad.

She never tried to understand my issues. I once tried to tell her that I was having suicidal thoughts and she just threatened to put me in a mental hospital and said "I could've just aborted you."

She put cigarettes and weed before food.

She always fought my battles for me, even till this day and I never learned to be a man.

She's very lazy and always procrastinates and is irresponsible with money which didn't set a good example.

She never really payed attention to me as a kid because she was focused on my older siblings.

She cared more about my grades than my mental health. I started experiencing symptoms of Schizophrenia and depression at 14 and my grades started slipping especially after my grandmother dies when I was 16. I was just a lettet to her and she made me feel worthless.

She basically dumped me in the failing school system's lap and expected them to turn me into a man, and the school system just put me on aderall which gave me Tourettes.

But I still love my mother

When I was in high school my American History teach always said "hate is taught" when we were learning about slavery, Jim Crow South and Emmit Till.

I actually have to agree with her because of what I've experienced. So here's my story:

My first step dad was a drunk with a history of drugs and was sexist and racist, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, no I'm not talking about the dumb SJW terms of sexism and racism, this guy was a REAL sexist and racist.
He would say things like "these (n words) should have went back to Africa when they had the chance, but they decided to stay and fuck up our shit" and "most women use men for their money and fuck (n words) behind their backs" and "all women are sluts and whores" and "most women will sleep with at least 100 (n words) before settling down with a white man who's actually worth a damn, and even then she'll have gangbangs with (n words) behind his back.
When my mom finally decided to divorce his ass, he refused to sign the documents, so my mom decided to start dating other men after a couple months of refusal. She started to date black men ironically enough. When she did he became very mentally and emotionally abusive and would call my mom things like " a dumb two-bit sperm burping
(n word) loving whore), and he would demand sex because they were still legally married since he didn't sign the documents and said it was her "duty" to have sex with him. After the divorce he took everything and left my mother and her 13 year old son (me) with nothing and we were homeless living at my sister's for a bit. He even took things my mother inherited from her own parents, including my grandmother's bed and my grandfather's tools.
Although it's been 7 years since I've talked to him and I'm a grown man now, having a shitbag like him being my "role model" during the most influential time in a child's life (age 5 - 13) I still tend to get uncomfortable around women and black people and I struggle with my sexuality.