Search Results: boyfriend is hung up on my past

I have a dilemma. I'm wondering what everyone's thoughts are on access to your significant other's phone. In my girlfriend's relationship before ours, she cheated on her boyfriend multiple times with multiple people. She said she had changed her ways but a little over a year ago, my girlfriend was going to cheat on me. I found out by looking at her text messages, which I had never done previously. This was a huge ordeal for us, but we moved past it. Since then I've developed a habit of occasionally looking through her phone. It's hard not to considering what happened. She feels violated and that I don't trust her when I do this behind her back. I've forgiven her for what happened. She felt terrible and I believe her when she says she won't do it again. However, I feel that because of what happened we should have an open phone policy. I have nothing to hide in my texts or phone calls between people. If she ever feels doubt, she's more than welcome to look through my phone. But she feels because I've done this multiple times without her permission, I've lost all privilege to her phone. She has had many guys interested in her and she wants to be friends with them. I contend that all of them want something more than just friendship. She just wants friends besides me, but can't see how messed up it is that the friends she happens to choose are into her. She texts them and they hit on her occasionally, but she does nothing about it and thinks I'm overbearing and controlling because I don't want her hanging out with them one on one and feel the need to see what they say / what she says through text. Most recently, she changed the name of a male coworker who's into her to another female name, so it wouldn't look as though she's texting this guy, after we agreed she wouldn't hang out with him... I'm starting to wonder if this is a red flag. Please help me, we're at a stalemate and can't seem to ever move past this. I love her more than life, despite what we're going through.

Here's the deal,

I've been "seeing" this girl (i'm 20, she's 18 by the way, and i will nick name her J) for the past 4 months (October-Now). She has an ex who she said she remained good friends with. No problem honestly. What IS a problem is these points (in chronological order)

-2nd time i ever hung with her, i asked her how her jr prom was. she said "yeah my boyfriends prom was pretty good". i didn't correct her or think much of it. just kinda weird she didn't say "ex"

-on Facebook her female friend commented her photo and said "damn girl lemme tap that ass, (ex) doesn't need to know" and J (girl im dating) flirted back with her female friend

-this caused immediate suspicion, so i confronted her on who (ex) is and she told me (ex) is her ex boyfriend and they remained good friends

-i decided to check out (ex)'s Facebook. His relationship is still listed as "in a relationship" (since the time they started dating back then too)

-Additionally I noticed, on his time line, mid November he posted a "Life Event" which was "Met J"

Now this is weird, why would J's female friend jokingly try to make (ex) jealous? after all, it says he's in a relationship on FB. So either he's dating a new girl, but still has feelings for J, or they're still dating?

Here's what makes me think they're not dating
-A month ago, J told me she told her parents about me. a couple days ago i clarified by asking "they know we're dating right?" and she said yeah.
-before J met me, she hooked up with another guy (and obviously they didn't work out)

Anyway I was thinking about messaging (ex), and this would tell me what's going on completely. something like

"Hey buddy how's it going? Listen buddy I have no problem with you and J being just friends. Just wanted to let you know she's been seeing me now for the past 4 months. Again no hard feelings, just letting you know"

Thoughts on if she's a cheater, or if my message is a good idea?