Search Results: how to act cool upset

Okay I have a long time boyfriend, and we're over the year mark. 90% of the time I am very happy with him, and am a perfect girlfriend, but I have these spells where I feel trapped, and want to be single. It lasts for hours, days at most and then I'm back to normal. I usually start a fight and leave until it wears off. I don't cheat every time, but if it lasts more than a night I do. I know it's wrong, but don't judge me. I don't want to occasionally feel different than I usually do, when I'm in that mode I have no intention of staying in the relationship, but it always wears off and I want to be with him. Lately I've been thinking that he knows I cheat on him but pretends not to. Last time I stayed at his best friends cousin for 2 days, and his best friend told him. I admitted that I stayed with him as friends for 2 days, and admitted to sleeping in his bed, but denied having sex with him. My boyfriend either believed me or he is okay with it. I love him and if I could be totally honest with him we could be even closer. I want to somehow figure out if he knows or not, but I'm afraid if he doesn't know everything will be ruined. I'm thinking of cheating, and having that person text him and tell him, and seeing if he mentions it. If he doesn't then I know he knows and we can finally talk about it, and I wouldn't have to worry about losing my relationship every time I mess up. If he doesn't know and he gets upset then I'll just deny it, and act angry. If he isn't okay with it, but forgives me anyway, what's the best way to cheat and make it seem like I'm definitely not? I'm pretty sure he's cool with it, because he's always leaving me alone with guys, he never checks my phone or social media, he doesn't check up on me to see if I am where I claim to be, and never surprises me. He won't show up without texting me and letting me know when he'll arrive. I want to let him know so badly, but without having to have a conversation. Like I want to show him. Advice please?

(I'm in 9th grade)
Ever since the first day of the 9th grade I've had a crush on this 10th grader guy, at first I had everything on a down low and kept the secret to myself. Then on this past Wednesday of my second week of school I told my friends I wanted to show him I liked him by kissing him, I thought it wouldn't since I was leaving. My friends said kissing him on the lips was a terrible idea, they said to do the side of the face instead.

His Behavior Before
•Stared at me
•Smiled at me
•Was outgoing and talkative around his friends but got quiet when I came
•Acted shy
•Always was around
•Came out of nowhere

His friends never liked me
I walked over to my crush even though he was with his friends and I told him this"Hey______, I have something important to tell you"

He came outside in the hallway and followed me to the stairs. I told him"I have a surprise for you but do you mind closing your eyes?"

He did as I said.

(By the way trying to kiss a tall guy when your a short girl like me isn't as easy as you think)
(He kept smiling the entire time)

I attempted doing it but I couldn't even reach his mouth so I told him to walk down on the lower stair steps.

He did as I said.

I scooted closer and tried again then his friends walked by, looked then left.

When we're finally alone
I told him"Can you close them again?"

He did again.

He always smiled while closing his eyes.

I leaned in and kissed him.

He opened his eyes, looked away, smiled then left.

After the kiss his friends got really mad especially his friend Ava

She Said"He's really upset and is yelling right now, he said he's not interested in anyone and doesn't want a relationship"

All the students found out and so did the teachers.

How things are now
(Around His Friends)
•He avoids eye contact up close
•He keeps a standing space
•He never smiles
•He ignores me
•He acts like I'm not there
•He leaves the room when I come
•When I mention it he always smirks and says"Its in the past"

After I kissed my 10th grader crush all of this drama happened

His Reaction: He smiled and looked away

His Friends Reaction: His friend Ava said"He's really upset right now and is yelling, he said he's not interested in anyone and doesn't want a relationship"

She smiled at her friend.

His Friends Behavior Now
•Smirk at me
•Their smiles fade away once they make eye contact
•Smile when I walk their way and talk to them
•They act like I'm invisible up close but stare from far away
•Quickly look at me and look away
•They ignore me and avoid me
•Their smiles fade away once they make eye contact
•His friend Sebastian said"This room is only for cool kids"

•His friend Ava said"Were really close friends, he's like my brother and I just always try and protect him

My Friends Behavior Now
•Their smiles fade away
•Their quieter
•They say they aren't mad
•They ignore me

My Crushes Behavior Now
•Avoids eye contact
•Gives me an awkward, forced and uncomfortable smile with his friends
•Avoids walking to the same place at the same time
•Leaves the room when I come
•I never see him
•Every time I mention the kiss around his friends he smirks and says the same thing over and over again"Its in the past" when it happened this past Wednesday
•I apologized to him in front of his friends and he ignored me and stayed silent
•I wrote him a two page note apologizing once again saying I only want to be friends etc. but I asked my friends what he said and they said"He said okay"Okay? that's it?
•In the note I also said"You made the right decision, any girl who isn't me is the right one for you"
•After I sent him the note today while I was passing by him and his friends, there he was sitting in the corner with his head down and arms folded on his knees. His faced looked red as if he was crying
•I mentioned it again and he said"Its in the past" and smiled (His guy friends were around)
•At the end of the day I said"Well I'll see you next week, buddy? pal?"
He just walked away and left.
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