Search Results: weird fantasy

This is what the man I am dating said to me last night because it was a fantasy of his ex girlfriend to watch him suck another mans dick. Then toward the very end of the conversation he said it was all a joke. he said he joked about it because he was high (weed). Well the whole time I was taking it seriously, I told him I needed time to process my feelings then after that is when he revealed it was all a joke. I told him I was not amused. But part of me feels like it wasn’t a joke at all. I feel like he just said that because he knew it weirded me out. I feel like it’s either true and he said it was a joke to keep me which means he’s lying to me.

I was diagnosed with Bpd. Doc told me Most if not all sufferers have been sexually abused as a child. But I don't remember most of my childhood. I have a few memories of being abused by kids my age.
I have one REALLY VAGUE memory in which I was touched by someone really older in a non-innocent way. But it is a really vague memory and maybe it is not what I think it is...
He is still alive and is a relative and I get weird feelings when I am around him. I don't want to see or be near him to this day. I can't explain it to my family so I avoid family meetings because of him.

I have all the signs of being abused like:

I feel so strongly about kids. I feel they should be completely protected from the world.

I don't like seeing people getting close or touching kids even innocently.

I don't like touching, kissing kids.

I get jumpy at normal noises.

I don't like people touching me from behind.

I have sexual fantasies of rape.

How can you be certain if you were abused? Do you think I should try hypnosis therapy or give him the benefit of the doubt?

I really want to breastfeed my boyfriend. If I had one that is, or maybe just a good male friend.
Yeah sounds stupid I know...
Not as a sexual kind of thing, more of an “intimacy” thing if you understand.

As much as I’ve seen this kind of fantasy was not very accepted so I’m asking what would be so wrong about it.
As long as they’re not hurting anybody it shouldn’t be a big problem...

It’s just that I imagine it to be so nice

This question doesn’t have too much of a big purpose; just wanted to know other people’s opinion on this topic :)