Search Results: watching abuse

I am nine years older than my brother and sometime when I was between the ages nine and eleven (I think I was probably ten, but I can't be sure), I tried to kiss him.

What happened was: we were in the living room in the middle of the day, and I can't remember where the adults were. I think I had been watching television, but I can't remember. I was holding him in my lap and for whatever reason, I decided to kiss him. I tried to french kiss him, but I had never kissed anybody before, so all I managed was pushing my lips against his and moving them around. I think I sort of licked him with my tongue and it was messy and uncoordinated. It lasted maybe two or three seconds. If I remember correctly, the reason I stopped was because I thought it was gross and weird. It only happened that one time.

I feel extremely guilty, uncomfortable, and generally grossed out. I can't help but wonder if that was a form of sexual abuse.

Rationally, I don't think it was abuse. I think if I was older, it would be different. If it was an ongoing thing that happened on multiple occasions, it would be different. If I touched his genitals, it would be different. But the situation, as it stands, is I was a curious child, it was a single, brief kiss that happened only one time and never again after that, etc, etc. I know that siblings kiss all the time. And even though it wasn't something that happened in my family, I know some siblings kiss on the lips and I certainly don't think that's abuse.

I also know it's normal for kids to be curious and want to experiment, and by doing so, they learn what kind of behavior is and isn't acceptable, but I still need some sort of outside validation that what I did wasn't abusive. I'm obsessing over this and wallowing in guilt, and I honestly just want to forget the whole thing.

Please take the time to vote or give your opinion. I will be so, so grateful.