I want to share the story of my past relationship, hopefully to give people some insight on what abusive relationships are like and how patronising abusers can be. I hope this will give any current victims some inspiration to leave their abusers as well as educating people about psychological abuse, seeing as abuse isn't always physical.
I first came across this guy when he was dating my friend and he was over 2 years older than me. I briefly looked on his Facebook profile and I liked what I saw but he was taken so I didn't think much of it and that was the first and last time I looked at his profile for about a year. In that time my friend and him had broken up and he'd been single for a while.
I started getting notifications from this random guy who I didn't recognise; he was commenting and liking everything! I checked out his profile and I came across the picture of him I first saw a year before and pictures of him with my friend. A smile formed upon my face when I realised it was him and he seemed very interested in me!
We soon started talking on Facebook and after about 2 weeks, we were pretty close and were talking like we were a couple already! We decided to meet up and we went on our first date. We only went to the cinema and then to KFC; nothing special. I noticed he slurred his words and he seemed generally out of it, that's when I found out he smoked weed and smoked cigarettes regularly! I told him there and then that I don't tolerate smoking or doing drugs at all and so he said that if me and him got together, he'd quit. I was satisfied with that and we went on a second date where we had our first kiss and he asked me out. Of course I was going to say yes!
Everything started out fine, as it always does. He was a charmer. After only a week of dating, he put up a poem on my Facebook which I thought was sweet at the time, but I think back to it and think, “seriously, a week?!”. He was already telling me he loved me after a few days and at this time he was 19 and I was 16. I didn't think much of it and I thought he was great compared to my first ex.
But on my 17th birthday, we had a bit of a physical altercation in which I broke up with him but we got back together the next day, due to me feeling guilty. It should've been the end from that day.
Throughout the months after, he started to become more controlling. He would lecture me on everything I did and told me I was in the wrong all the time so he would be the 'mature adult' of the relationship and would tell me what to do to fix these “problems”. He spoke down to me like I was an uneducated child and like he always knew better. He was so manipulative that I'd just go along with it and I thought he was trying to help me all the time. If I did something wrong, instead of allowing me to learn from it myself, he'd sit me down, give me some huge speech and make me do what he said to correct the situation, even if I didn't want to or feel it necessary. I had to do what he said all the time otherwise he'd get angry at me or would say he was very disappointed in me and that I wasn't mature enough. He was practically like a third parent to me and my mum noticed it pretty quickly. I always said he's just trying to help me but my mum said, “there's a difference between giving advice and lecturing someone and forcing them to do what they want!”. I didn't think much of it and my mum spoke less about it eventually.
His lectures did start to bother me though. He'd lecture me on everything but I thought this is what a good relationship is like. Me and my first ex never discussed our problems whereas this guy would encourage me to so I thought he was doing the right thing in trying to coax out my feelings and give me instructions on how to correct everything in my life. I thought he was making me a better person, that’s what he made it look like. It started getting worse where he'd blackmail me a lot; either by taking things into his own hands and forcefully sorting my “problems” out for me or threatening to involve my parents in our arguments. Most of our arguments were in his car so I felt trapped and the only way I could stop him driving to my parents was by opening the car door. He had great pleasure in bringing my parents into things when he worked out that I didn't like it - I'm a closed book kind of person. These lectures and blackmailing went on until the end and it was slowly tearing me down. I couldn't handle it.
There was another bad side to this guy and that was his constantly high sex drive. He wanted sex all the time and if he didn't get it, he would not be very happy with me. We did sexual things only 5 days into the relationship when I was very drunk. He could beg me for sex for nearly an hour non stop, even though I had refused continuously. He'd try to manipulate with his words in the hopes of changing my mind. It was such a nuisance but I loved this guy and I had only ever known guys to be sex mad, I'd been treated like this before so I was used to it. The word “no” just didn't process in his head. But one day, he lost his temper.
He had been pestering me for sex for a good half hour and I was watching a movie that I was enjoying. I had been refusing him continuously for all that time, telling him I wanted to watch the movie and that I didn't want to have sex. He lost all patience and he threw himself back onto his bed, clenched his fists and slammed both of them on the bed as he shouted in rage at the ceiling! He acted like a child in the store whose parents refused to get him his favourite sweets, but it was much scarier than that. Nothing can describe the fear of having a muscular, angry, older man beside you, who's angry because of you. Not to mention he was black belt in Karate! I looked at him in shock and said, “I can't believe you.... I'm actually.. speechless.” and I was. I couldn't utter any more words than that, I didn't know what to say to such a huge reaction. I went into shock and when that died down, I started crying because of the fear. He let me cry for about half an hour before trying to pull me over to him, by tugging at my shoulder, but I wouldn't let him. He got up to turn the light on, he forced me around and sat on top of me, jumping up and down and telling me to “cheer up” like nothing had happened! I told him to get off me but he wouldn't listen. I gave him plenty of opportunity to get off me but again, he just wasn't listening so I slapped him lightly across the face. I didn't want too but I knew that was all that would've stopped him and it did. Then in complete silence, his got his shoes on and left his own house. I had to face his mum’s interrogation alone but I didn't tell her anything and then I left. I saw him sitting outside when I left and about 10 minutes after I got home, he turned up at my door. I can't remember him ever apologising for his actions, he just lectured me again on how I was in the wrong and that I was causing problems in the relationship because sex is part of relationships.
It took some time after the relationship to realise he had sexually assualted/raped me once too. I knew it was wrong at the time, I was groaning in sadness as I held back the tears whilst he had his way with me, despite me previously refusing. I realised many months after the relationship, this memory was actually greatly repressed for so long, along with many others.
I was invited to a friend’s birthday party. My ex offered to take me to the party and buy me alcohol so I accepted. Whilst I was getting ready, I was talking to my mum and because my phone was on silent, I didn't know he was calling me. When I eventually realised he was calling me, I went upstairs and rang him back immediately. He was very unhappy and rude on the phone saying, “If you don't have the decency to answer my phone calls, then you don't deserve a lift to the party, nor will I get you alcohol. You can get a taxi and have a boring, alcohol free night.” I said, “that's fine, I'll get a taxi and will get alcohol myself” in a smug voice. He stuck by his word but you could tell he wasn't happy about it, I'd just taken the control out of his hands and he didn't like it.
I went to the party and he rang me whilst I was in the toilets. He asked where I was and who I was with and I said I was at the party with my friends. He replied with, “whatever” and hung up! I didn't think too much of it, I was hardly going to let him ruin my night and I was pretty drunk already! I later got texts from him saying he thought I was lying about where I was and that I "best not be in town". I was infuriated that he could accuse me of lying about my whereabouts. Why would I lie about that? He said he thought I was lying because he couldn't hear any music, despite the fact that I was in the toilets and I told him that. There was a thick concrete wall seperating the dance floor and toilets! I tried to convince him but he wouldn't believe me. I decided to ignore his ridiculous texts and the plans for the night changed and my friends wanted me to go to town. I thought, 'why not?' and so I went. He rang me asking where I was and so I told him I was in town now, which wasn't a good idea because he shouted at me down the phone, saying he knew I was lying to him, he knew I wasn't at the party (but I was before I went to town) etc. He told me to stay where I was so he could come pick me up and for some reason, I allowed him to do so (he had so much control over me at this point). He told me that it was over but then later made out it was only over if I didn't let him pick me up. I got into my friend's car and we got to traffic lights but I was so scared he'd go nuts for coming all the way to town to find out I had gone home with a friend, that I got out at the lights despite my friend telling me not too. He picked me up and went absolutely insane and we had a huge argument. I was trying to explain myself but he just would not listen and seemed oblivious to the fact that plans change when you're out. I cried so hard on the way home that I could barely speak. My mum rang me, oblivious to everything that had happened and she had to comfort me on the phone all the way home.
The sick thing was, I looked at him and I could see a little smirk on his face, like he was happy that I was crying over him and in so much pain because of him. He got his control back. I don't think he ever intended on leaving me, it was purely a way of getting control again. We met up to say our final goodbyes a few days later and he was pretty harsh and heartless towards me. I tried my hardest to not cry over the painful things he was saying about me.
By now, I was an empty shell. I had lost my happiness, my emotions, my sanity and I lacked any form of expression (not much has changed 3 years on come to think of it). I'd never felt so empty before, it was like my soul had been sucked out of me. I never spoke up about my views anymore, I just sat there and accepted everything he was saying about me. He drained me completely.
He eventually took me home and we hugged and said goodbye. He then texted me saying to check my Facebook. He had written me a huge message saying he didn't want it to end and wanted to work things out. I was just an emotional daze and I didn't know how to react. I was pissed off at him and told him how I felt but he came across as if he wanted to change and do whatever I wanted for the relationship to work out (typical). So I told him everything I felt and everything that he needed to change. He just agreed with me all the time which I thought was odd but I thought maybe he was actually listening to me for once. We ended the night on a high note and I thought maybe things could be fixed. I was wrong.
He had a car but he then suddenly requested that I caught two buses alone which would be over an hour’s ride, in the late evening to his house when I was ill (I had lost weight due to the overwhelming stress of the relationship and had a weakened immune system) because he said we needed to put in 50/50 effort in order for the relationship to work out, although I would drive to his almost the same amount on my moped but he felt like I had to do it now because he did it in the beginning of the relationship. He clearly didn't understand what I was asking of him only a couple of days before. I could tell an argument was brewing when I told him how it was completely illogical and inconsiderate of him. I told him I couldn't deal with the stress any more, I was getting ill, losing weight and my appetite and I deserved better.
I told him it's not a healthy relationship any more and I told him it was over. He drove to mine that night to basically talk it through and ask for me back but I stuck to my guns, stared him right in the eyes and told him it was over for good. When he came round, he said things which made it clear that he was just agreeing with me earlier on Facebook to get me back and he didn't mean any of the things he said.
I didn't want to leave him, I loved him with everything in me and I didn't want to believe any of it was true but I was fed up of being treated like shit. My mum had given her input and she said he was abusive. She refused to let me see him a lot of the time too. I had finally started seeing him for what he was. It was hard. I cried numerous times a day, almost every day over the break up. I just wanted to run back to him but I was strong enough to not give in. It didn't stop there though.
I got a new job in a café and he had started texting me again, in the hopes of getting me back! He said he had time to come meet me and I told him I was working. He asked what time I finished and I told him. He didn't know where I worked, all I said was that I worked in a coffee shop (it was also my first day there), hoping he wouldn't even bother coming to see me with such little information. I live in a large city but that didn't stop him from going to every coffee shop in the city looking for me! He eventually did find me which I couldn't believe. I wasn't happy to see him and I showed it. He gave me a chocolate bar (what?) and when I left the shop he got down on his knee and apologised. At first, I thought he was going to be stupid and propose but luckily he didn't. He got down on his knee, held my hand (in a busy public place) and apologised profusely. We walked to his car to talk and on the way, he told me how he wanted me to be his wife and to have a family with me one day! I don't know why I even gave him the time of day but I had to leave within minutes because my parents were picking me up. I told my mum about him coming and she went mad.
Later that evening, he came to my door. He was meant to be going out with his friend to town, but he told him to drop him off at mine to try and get me back one more time. I burst into tears because I just didn't know what to do or how to react. He was making it harder for me and he probably knew that. He was waiting for a bit whilst I cried, so he opened the letter box to say, “I know you're in there” (creepy!) and started rambling on but I eventually opened the door and he fell down to his knees, crying. I instinctively comforted him and he was so desperate for us to get back together. Before he left, he asked me for a kiss but I refused.
A week later, he basically asked me if it was okay for him to move on, just in case there was a chance of us getting back together. I think he knew that I'd want to say, “I want to get back with you again, I can't go through with this!” but I told him to do what he wants because the relationship was over.
There were many other things he did to me which I didn't fit in purely because this is so long and I couldn't remember the exact times they happened. Some of the worst things was him forcing me write the pros and cons about him and a guy he was clearly paranoid about, he forced me to deactivate my Facebook account, he'd commented on my weight to make me feel insecure, he could do whatever he wanted but I needed permission, he would ask why I needed to hang out with other guys when I had him, he threatened to send "visitors" after our break up (he wasn't the first guy to say that), he lied about the reasons why his ex's left him and he still loved one of his ex's, even calling me by her name once!
Things got so bad, my mum rang a helpline who confirmed that he had put me through domestic abuse and that he could easily get arrested for his actions. My friend told me later that he treated her and all of his ex's the same way he treated me and she even said that it sounded like he’d treated me the worst out of everyone.
During the time I was recovering from the relationship, I was also hurled abuse from his friends saying I was a liar and attention seeker which ultimately made me become suicidal and attempt it. I had to deal with that psychological torture, only to realise I had no proof of any of it even if I wanted to prosecute or to prove it to people. I felt alone, depressed, heart broken, suicidal and confused.
After this mess of a relationship, I left with depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, disassociation and paranoia. The paranoia and hypervigilance has subsided a lot but my anxiety is getting worse, I have low self esteem and have relapses of depression and disassociation which affects my relationship. Despite becoming a fairly distant, cold person who prefers being alone...
I feel stronger than ever.
I always strive for greater things.
I am a survivor.
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