Being not able to trust people ever is quite a painful experience.... not being able to let people in to know the real you or give them a chance to prove there trust because you just keep pushing them away... these are some reasons i can no longer trust even those who are close to me.. and that is because I was in a abusive relationship for nearly 2 years.
So for nearly 2 years of my life i was abused by someone i thought loved me he was my first ever proper boyfriend... i met him through a friend.. at first he made me feel amazing he made out he would do anything for me and had never felt a connection like this with anyone before.. he showed me what it was like to have a best friend as well as a partner he was 23 i was only 17 at the time..
Ryan.. ruined my life.
I told him everything there was to know about me i shared all my secrets and stories of my life..
i had been self harming from the age of around 13-14 and at first he was support and helpful for me to stop.. i told him about being in multiple psychiatric hospitals and of my upbringing of having a life long illness (epilepsy) which affected my childhood greatly and of how i was badly bullied at school and beaten up on a weakly basis where even the teachers and my own partners did not help me... and of my childhood sexual abuse which made me wonder if there was any nice kind decent people out there.. i was and felt like a lost cause who had no one who would help me or care no one and i mean no one had helped me get through what i had been through.... he made me feel cared for and told me he'd never let anyone hurt me ever again.... i finally felt like i had found someone who cares about me and loves me.. loves the real me...
After i had told him this he explained a few things about his life.. which all seemed very similar to what i had said... and told me how he experienced bullying at school was abused by a family member etc.. and of course i just felt sorry for him as some of what he had gone through i could relate to and understand.. and knew it was horrible to have to go through.. a few people said to me while i introduced him to them that there was something not right about him something seemed wrong.. but of course i was madly in love and just shut anyone who had a bad word to say about my amazing boyfriend down.. he made me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth and was always telling me how wonderful i was and how could a girl like me be in love with a guy like him... i genuinely felt bad for him like no one had ever showed him love either and he was a gift from god to try help us..
One day i noticed there was a big big change in how he use to treat me .. he went from a boyfriend who would constantly put my feelings first.. be the perfect gentleman.. write me sweet little love notes..send me flowers.. always make sure i feel saved and loved.. and know that no one could possible hurt me again while he was around...
to someone who almost was the total opposite to this person... he stopped me seeing family and friends telling me how none of them cared or liked me explained how they would laugh at me behind my back and about what a pathetic person i was.. at the time i felt like maybe he was right my opinion on myself was so low that it was easy to believe after how i'd be treated in the past it was nothing new... i was not allowed to look or talk to other men.. men were all evil disgusting perverts who would take advantage of me and that i need to keep away from he said.. the only other friend i had at the time was George who was the only person who had ever helped me and actually been a true friend to me up until Ryan.. but of course i told George i could no longer be friends with him anymore even though we had been friends (7 years) since i was 10 years old .. but whatever Ryan asked i would do because according to him he was the only person who truly cared about me... after i had been secluded from all my family and my one friend.. i just sort of came to the conclusion that from now on the only thing and person that mattered in my life would be my boyfriend because no one else could possibly love or care about me.. if we were out and i even looked at a guy or spoke to a guy in a way he did not like.. when we got home he would beat me... tell me what a worthless no good whore i was how no one would possibly love me and without him i'd be nothing i'm a dumb slut stupid slag.. and then i'd be hurting and in pain for weeks until it would heal then i'd get another beating again.. and if i didn't feel like having sex.. he just raped me no matter how much i cried or how much pain i was in he didn't care.. and all was back again to a reminder of my child hood and what had happened to me....
one day he came home from work and told me he had a brain tumour and was going to die.. he said he'd had a scan and doctors said there was nothing they could do this was the first i had ever heard about it and obviously i was in total shock and for hours and hours just couldn't stop crying while ..considering he was going to be dead in a few months or so he seemed pretty laid back and seemingly happy.. i just thought maybe he was trying to be positive... so in those last few months of what i thought i had left with my boyfriend i of course carried on being the perfect girlfriend doing everything and anything he said.. would carry on being beaten and raped and put down and abused.. until he one day he said to me the doctors had found a cure and everything was going to be ok for him.. of course i was happy at first and completely relieved my boyfriend was okay ... for over a year or so i had had no one in my life but him.. so he was my life and it had been so long i felt like it was all i knew.... over the next few weeks i started thinking to myself something just doesn't feel right here do i want this life i am leading is this really what love is? i mean he was my first proper relationship and all i had to compare it to was silly 1-2 week relationships at school.. this was something real something that mean't something or at least i thought.. i confronted him which was very scary for me to do.. and his reaction was completely something i did not expect.. he laughed in my face and tell me how thick i was what a naive pathetic piece of crap i was to believe him and it was my own fault..
that was when it hit me i'd be living with a monster for nearly 2 years he was a emotionless hurtful coward who had stolen the rest of my teenage years... i couldn't stop loving him but i knew i had to leave... he told me if i left he'd kill himself and it would make me a murderer and a disgusting selfish person and no one would love me like he said.. he started saying all the crap about how he really does care about me how we were mean't to be together.. soul mates etc.. and i just knew he didn't mean a word of it.. i did eventually report to police about my situation how i was raped and abused for almost 2 years and he got 6 years and could be let out early on good behavior ... he was let out over a year ago now and was told he was not allow to contact me ever again or he'll be back inside..
so this is my story of pretty much dating a abusive sociopath.
this is just a my take to express what it was like being with one... it took me 3 years or so to stop loving the person who abused me and i hope no one else ends up in the situation i was in.. i now have a amazing boyfriend who seems to love me but i still am unable to trust anyone or open up and have since this regained contact with my friend and my family.
if anyone read this thank you for reading :D and i cut lots out to try and make it as short as i possibly could... please also note this is not for attention or to gain sympathy i want absolutely none.. this is my past.... and is what my takes are for :) also i mean't to put this in relationships not sexual behavior but i don't know or think i can change the category from the edit button.