I admit it, I was an abuser once. I've used my girlfriends for my own benefit and often times, I've beat them when I felt like things weren't going my way. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm single now and won't be entering into another relationship anytime soon until I seek the counseling and mental therapy I need. I only wanted to make this MyTake to share my experience about why I became an abuser and that people might understand why some people become abusers.
1. It felt normal to me
I grew up in an environment that was full of abuse. From seeing my aunt crying for her abusive fiance to my cousin telling his wife how much of a piece of shit she is. I always seen it with my father on how he constantly ignores my mother and makes her feel like shit. I still can picture the day I saw tears falling from her eyes. I felt sorry for her and wanted to help but there was nothing I can do. It became so bad to the point that I've learned to just deal with it and eventually, It felt normal to me. I eventually thought there was just something right about hitting my partner. Even while growing up, all I ever learned was consequence and diclipline. When I stepped out of line, my father would beat me and shame me and eventually, I no longer dared to show any disrespect towards him. I thought by using the same method on my partner, I would get the same results, and sometimes it did. However, it just became worse to the point where she no longer talks to me or doesn't even come home.
2. Women taught me that it was okay
When I was in high school and college, I often see women in abusive relationships. I was taught that it was wrong to abuse women but I can't help but question that if that was the case, why do these women always go back to these men? I always hear stories on how women stay in abusive relationships. I asked myself, "if they don't like it, why don't they leave?" Then, I figured it out. It was because they love it. I've always seen how much women love their abusive boyfriends and how much they are willing to give everything up for them. Even the abusive men were being respected by everyone while me, a man who was trying to prove that he was good, was getting taken advantage of and failing in relationships. When I was a nice guy, women would've cheated on me and used me for money. I've seen how these abusive men always get what they want and I thought it was unfair how I was always getting the short end of the stick. I grew to envy them and wanting to be just like them. Seeing the women with these men proved to me that if you wanted to be respected by women, you had to humiliate them and show them how truly valueless they really are. Hitting them, is simply showing them that you are not one to be messed with and women love that confidence and assertiveness. No wonder why we have sexist women and radical feminists running around today. Men have become too soft willing to serve them and not bother dicliplining them. The consequences? A generation of disrespected men and entitled women. Perhaps if we adopt these traits, men would've been more respected and the genders would've been more at peace with each other than they are today. Of course, that was just my view at the time.
3. I wanted to be in control
I'm not use to things not going my way. When things go south for me, I usually adopt a bad temper. I wanted everything to go my way because I truly believed that my way could only be the right way and when people questioned me, I just assumed they were too ignorant to understand. This trait only got worse while I was in a relationship. When my girlfriend started arguing with me, I usually would've slapped her and if she showed resistance, I would've beat her to a pulp to the point that blood was coming from her nose and if she dared to call the police, I told her it will cost her her life.The argument stopped after that and she never brought it up again. At the time, I felt like I was doing a good job showing dominance and being a leader. I felt by doing so, I've kept the relationship functioning and stable. But I realize now that wasn't the correct way to handle the situation and instead of making her respect me, I only made her more resentful of me.
4. I was abused myself
During my first two relationships, before I became an abuser, I dealt with physical and verbal abuse. My first girlfriend would get voilent for no reason and started arguments just for the sake of having an argument. She also cheated on me but I forgave her and eventually, she cheated on me again. After four months, I got sick of it and I broke up with her and dropped all contact with her. I haven't heard from her since then. In my second relationship, I was with a woman who compared me to other men and told me how "lucky" I was to be with her because no other woman would date a "weak coward" like me. I find out later that she was using me for my money and she was actually seeing some other guy. When I heard the news, I was heartbroken but then I was glad that relationship ended. After a while, I told myself that enough was enough and I was no longer going to be Mr. Nice Guy. For the next three relationships I entered, I used some abusive traits that I've learned over the years to see if it will improve my relationship with women. I then find out that it actually did, or at least it turned out better than the previous two. They always respected me, gave me what I want when I want, and the best part was, there were no arguments or problems. But those relationships became so toxic to the point that it drove the women away.
Since then, I was left in confusion wondering why things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to? When I was a good man, it lead to abuse and heartbreak. When I was an abuser, It only ended with resentfulness and having three girls traumatized because of my arrogance. I still feel guilty about it, even to this day. I wish I can improve and i want to improve. I also wish that I can one day know and understand what true love is, if it even exists. But for now, I guess I was just cursed to be alone and no matter who I am or what I do, I never seem to get the perfect relationship I've always wanted. I know I'm a piece of shit and I know that nothing can justify the things that I've done. This was just my experience and I hope that no one else will ever have to experience abuse in their lifetime and that maybe one day, we can put an end to domestic violence.
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