*Trigger warning contains talk about abusive relationships*
Love? What is love?
Some people say it's the best feeling ever, others say it can destroy you. I agree with both, although I think it depends on the person you fall for.
The first person I ever fell for destroyed me. Made me think life wasn't worth living. Then the second person I fell for loved me for who I am and helped me fix myself; that in my eyes is the best feeling. This is my story of both love and survival.
I first fell in love when I was 14. Well I thought it was love but I was just young and stupid. For the first six months of this relationship everything was great. I thought I had met the love of my life. I thought he was great that was until he started showing his true colours.
My grandmother, who brought me up, passed away. I was heart broken. My boyfriend was less than supportive. He would tell me off when I started crying, he started seeing me less and would complain about anything. I thought things would get better in time so I stuck around.
About a year later I believed things had settled. I had started living with my boyfriend once I left school and things seemed to be going good. Then once again his true colours began to show.
He started controlling me. He started telling me who I could and couldn't speak to and hang around with. I thought he was doing it because he cared about me and just wanted what was best for me. Then he started telling me when I could or couldn't go to sleep, he started blaming me for things I didn't do and he started calling me names. He would call me worthless, useless, fat and that no one would ever love me. I tired to leave, oh how I tired to leave, but he always found a way to make me stay. He said he would change. He never did.
My moods were getting worse, I barely ever smiled, by this time we had been dating for two and a half years and things had only got worse. He would shout and argue with me for no reason nearly every day. He began using me for sex and wouldn't take no for an answer. I started crying my self to sleep wondering if I'd ever get to leave. I started to self harm to relieve some of the stress. I stopped eating in hopes he would stop calling me fat. I tired not to talk so that I wouldn't upset him. I tired to do everything he told me to do. My attempts were futile, nothing changed, until one day he came home from work and told me he had met someone new and that he didn't love me anymore. I packed up my things and moved back to my home town the morning after.
My friends kept me sane and occupied during the day but at night I was on my own. Left with the thoughts of the past. I believed every word he had ever told me. I blamed myself because I thought he was right. I believed I was worthless and that no one would ever love me again. I believed that because I thought I was broken beyond repair. That was until I met the person who would actually truly care and love me.
I met him through work. Something clicked instantly when we met. Nothing felt forced with him. He made me smile without trying. A week after we had met we walked to my favourite place to watch the sun rise. While we were there he asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought it was both romantic and sweet. Of course I said yes.
I had told him about my past and all of my flaws. He told me I was perfect and that my ex was the one with the problems. He told me everyday how beautiful I looked and how lucky he was to have me. Really though, I was the lucky one, he helped me rebuild my self and gain my confidence back. He made me want to smile and laugh again.
I never thought I would get out of my abusive relationship but I did. I never thought I'd be loved again but I am. I still have my low points but my boyfriend always puts a smile back on my face and makes me feel whole again.
If you ever feel down or feel like there's no hope remember you can survive. I did.