My boyfriend doesn’t have a job and expects me to pay for everything. What would you do in such a weird situation?

[josie]

Would you pay for him?

[SallyTho87]

I dated a 38 year old man who did not have a job. He lived with his mum. She bought him food, did his laundry, supplied him with internet, paid his bills, etc. As he was having a hard time finding a job.
When we began dating, the only way we could pay for dates is if I paid. I paid for everything going forward, groceries, gas for his vehicle so he could take us to dinner date, I covered his dogs medication and gave him 200/month which he asked for, so he could use to buy his medicine.
Turns out he spent that 200 bucks on WEED. He would sleep ALL day, had no aspirations to do anything but lay in bed until 3 or 4pm, he'd refuse to eat unless I made him something. He wouldn't clean, didn't even let his dogs out as I'd come home to dog sh1t and pee everywhere because they were ignored.

I had numerous talks with him, numerous discussions. I provided him the chance to obtain employment by helping him find suitable work, so he could repay me (as he said he would) and could get an actual payment coming in. It got to the point HE assumed HE was entitled to tell me how to spend MY money - meaning he threw a fit because I decided to buy a new lipstick. Lol.

I broke up with him, informing he really needs to work on himself and he cannot continue relying on other people to give him what he feels he is somehow entitled to. He couldn't pay his rent, his mom moved to a cheaper apartment as paying for her son and food cost her too much money, so he used his friend (who has 3 kids) and is now living with a literal FAMILY, in a family house. Sleeping all day, playing video games all night until 3am.
I give people the benefit of the doubt, but I do NOT give people the opportunity to use me, and that is what he attempted to do. We dated for 6 months, and in that time he had no ambition to find employment, he wanted me to work all day 8 to 5pm, come home and cook him dinner, clean, and when I was exhausted and in bed at 9pm, he would be just hopping on his game for the night, screaming, shouting into his headset in the next room over, total disregard for me and the kids, as I'd visit and stay with him 3 days a week in the family home.

He is a user, and will always be. He blames everyone, society, his parents for his lack of training, skills, knowledge, lack of education, lack of opportunity, when it is HIMSELF who made the choices he did. He chose to ditch high school, chose to ignore college / Uni, and instead tried to become a hit band with his friends. At age 33, he realized it wasn't working and has not held any job, instead mooches off his family members with guilt tripping and sob stories.
He tried to apologize to me, and offered to talk. I was hesitant, and I provided him opportunity to say what he felt he had to say. He showed up at my place, in his car, invited me into sit and talk. He informed I'm too "dominant" of a woman for him, as a woman should be submissive, and kind hearted, and he didn't appreciate me holding him accountable for things that could have "easily been ignored and brushed under the rug" LOL
He then told me how much he missed me, and asked if I felt like splurging on ice cream so we could have a date. He then motioned to the freakin E sign of his gas tank, and told me we need to get gas, I have to pay bec the 3 min drive over wasted a 1/2 tank.

PLEASE don't get involved with someone who isn't self sufficient or stable enough on their own to support themselves. Some people will absolutely rely on you for everything, emotional, physical, financial support, etc. PLEASE consider your hard work, your finances, your expenses, and really be sure you want to help someone if they aren't willing to help themselves. I WOULD NOT.

[avery58]

He sounds like a total parasite and hypocrite. The only thing I'm wondering is how on Earth he got a family to agree to take him in and let him do whatever the hell he wants while he leeches off of them

[Kaneki05]

This guy really went I've got this amazing girlfriend who's somehow managing to try with me despite my clear red flags, let me blame her for breaking up with me then try ask for her back by telling her to pay for it.

When plenty of other guys would be mind blown by such girl even trying.

[TonyMetal___86]

@SallyTho87 for real? 😳 like common, have you done all this for him? Why? Couldn't you find someone else? You were acting as if he's the only guy left on earth 😂😂

I know a lot of guys who are like him but surely i never met someone who SO MUCH NICE like you haha

Where can i find a girl like you, give the map which leads me to this unseen and unknown treasure, i surely don't want anyone to pay me or raise me, i believe that the man is the one who raise his wife and that's why i'll only marry a girl who adors becoming a housewife and surely doesn't believe in divorce except for cheating, i mean if you're being honest than you're a girl who comes from the fairy tales book 🤣🤣

Such stories gives me hope that love might truly be real after all but it's very rare!

[SallyTho87]

@avery58 He certainly was! I have no idea where he is now, his friend is housing him while taking care of 4 kids, and is also going through a separation so i guess my ex bounced on that opportunity to "help his friend through his breakup" and he had asked to live in a single room with the family of his best friend.
I believe that is the exact reason his family stopped trying to get together with him, stopped bothering to reach out, etc. If it wasn't money or financial support being offered, he would ignore everyone bec he considered them useless and a waste of time. -_-

[SallyTho87]

@Kaneki05 Exactly what happened! This is the perfect paraphrasing :) I gotta find one of those other guys, no more red flag men!

[SallyTho87]

@TonyMetal___86 I like to give people chances, and sometimes it does more harm than good, like in this situation! I empathize with people, as financial issues are a problem for so many people nowadays, and I know life isn't easy, and certainly has its challenges, even unexpected ones like layoffs, workplace dismissals, lack of available training for trades, etc. That is why I tried to help, provided the support I could, and even tried to help reconnect him with his family. Some people dont want help though, and only want to use/take from people, even the ones he cares about... and he was one of those individuals.

I hope you find that girl you are seeking one day! Plenty of women like me are out there 100%, :D I'm sure you will come across one of the amazing, beautiful woman when you least expect it. I actually met my ex in a grocery store, he assisted me ( he's tall (6ft) ) and he could reach the top shelf for my pasta because I couldn't get it lol. That is how we originally met! Each day you meet new people, and someday you never know, but random meeting could happen and bloom into something wonderful. :) Hopefully far better than my story ended LOL

[TonyMetal___86]

@SallyTho87 that's the problem when you think that you're just an ordinary girl why you aren't, i wanna focus my lights on you and on women who are like you because they are very rare these days and it ain't fair at all to consider them like any other random women, while they are precious and priceless!

Maybe you see yourself as an ordinary girl and what you did is the norm, but you're wrong because women like are the rare treasure that i'm talking about, if it was so easy than i wouldn't be alone by now at this age 😏

Anyways thanks for your wishes, i do hope to meet such women in reality someday because at this point she will prove to me that i'm not the only one who is able to love for real 😊

The most important thing that i wish for, is that the girl that i'll meet someday do not have a hidden expiry date, cause i'm into forever lasting things!

[Kelley1]

If you were 25, I would say dump him but at at 35 you choices are very limited; especially if he is good looking. Would you rather have a good looking guy that you support or a fat older guy that will support you?

[HawkPerception]

Not having a job is one thing. Expecting you to pay is another thing entirely. I've been in relationships where I was broke, jobless, didn't drive, and was using money from previous jobs that I'd make to last the year. I never let any of them pay for me even if they offered. If they offered to pick me up to chill, I walked it to meet them instead (even when it was a 4 hour walk). If we did go out to eat, either I would pay or we'd pay our own bills.

While I do believe in Dutch dating before marriage, I also don't believe a man should ever let a woman that he's involved with romantically to pay for him in any way. Masculine men are protectors and providers. Things have changed a little bit due to equality and feminism. Women get paid the same and there are more women graduating from college and universities than men (because women mature at a much earlier age than men for the most part). So women should have some financial ability and responsibility nowadays, but ultimately a man should still not have to rely on a woman.

In my opinion your boyfriend is neither considerate, nor a real man. I wouldn't be surprised if he's into you dominating him in bed too. Sorry if that's uncalled for, but I'm just stating my opinion based on the little info you gave.

[Raaj4you]

Don't run away from this relationship. If he is a great with career goals and if he is trying hard or smart to get a job or study further or upskill or start a business, then you should definitely support him. If he doesn't have any career goals then you should leave him. Ask yourself, Can you create a good family life with him? Do you see a good future with him? Is he addicted to drugs or alcohol or gambling? Is he a womanizer? Does he has any criminal record? Don't expect perfection from any guy. You will never find a perfect guy. You have to make some adjustments, compromises and sacrifices.

[Artificial Intelligence]

Navigating through the love jungle, sometimes we stumble upon some unexpected wild vines, don't we? If I found myself swinging into a scenario where my partner expected me to foot all the bills without making any effort to contribute, I'd definitely take a moment to pause the adventure. Communication is the compass in relationships. I'd suggest having an open and honest conversation about financial expectations and responsibilities. It's important to support each other, but it's equally important to encourage independence and shared effort. Would I pay for everything indefinitely? Only if I was trying to win a gold medal in financial gymnastics! Remember, a relationship is a partnership, not a sponsorship. Time to have that heart-to-heart chat and find a balance that works for both of you. 🌹

[blunty]

Navigating financial expectations in a relationship can be tricky, especially if there’s an imbalance in contributions. Here are some steps you might consider:

Communicate Clearly: The most important step is to have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and expectations. Discussing finances can be uncomfortable, but it's crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. Explain how you feel about the current arrangement and listen to his perspective as well.

Set Boundaries: Determine what you are and are not willing to pay for. This helps you and your partner prevent resentment from building over time.

Create a Budget Together: If you're committed to the relationship and see a future together, working on a budget can help both of you manage your finances better.

Encourage Independence: While supporting each other is part of a relationship, it’s also important for both partners to maintain some level of financial independence. Encourage him to find a job or explore other ways to contribute financially.

Seek Professional Advice: If the conversation about finances is particularly difficult or if it's leading to repeated conflicts, it might be helpful to speak with a relationship counselor or a financial advisor.

[Chazmatazz269]

I’m a man. That’s not weird for us. It’s the norm. Everyone, men and women alike, expect men to pay. I only begrudged that fact when it was clear that the woman had no intention of returning the gesture in any manner.
If you feel like he’s earning his keep in some other fashion, pay his way. If he seems to be mooching, ditch him. Unless you’re attached to him already. Then set some clear and firm boundaries. If he violates them, THEN dump him.

[Kaneki05]

He shouldn't expect any of that and be very grateful if you are willing to help him out.

I don't have a job and very low income but I very rarely asked for money from anyone and those who do I offer to pay them back and when they say no it's all good. I thank them a lot. And would never take such kindness for granted.
And if they want the money back I pay them when I can always. And if they so no to giving me money I don't attack them for that, I say fair enough.

[BadApple69]

As a guy I pay all the time. Sorry feminists (not really sorry). To me it would be embarrassing for the woman to pay. Most REAL men would feel this way. I think you need to find a real man. If he is handicapped I would give him a pass, if not then he just isn’t trying hard enough.

[Knightwatch27]

Maybe choose your partners with more care? If you take the time to fully get to know someone and see what red or green flags there are you don't end up with someone mooching off of you. And no obviously you don't pay for him, you're 35 years old you should know that on your own.

[Purpleronnie]

That’s not a weird situation that’s just a weird boyfriend. Any man worth anything at all would never “Expect” that. Get him told that you’re not a charity , or give him some chores to earn some money like the little boy he is deserves !

[PeachyPie93]

Depends, is he a younger guy, is he using you thinking you should pay for him? If so get rid of him. If you are the same age and he lost his job or something help him until he gets back on his feet.

[Daniela1982]

Time to find a boyfriend who is not a moocher.

[Siri137]

No, that's completely unacceptable! Give him an ultimatum. He either finds a job, and soon, or you dump him.

[bobalife]

Well I wouldn’t even date him in the first place lol. But I mean if it’s like he lost a job and working on getting a new job is fine. I prefer ambitious and smart individuals for potentials.

[molonski2]

No , I wouldn't pay for him , if I'm in your boat I'm getting rid of him , and quickly , he is a needy , Nancy boy , who is abusing the situation.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Whose fault is it he doesn't have a job?
If I didn't have a job and the only thing I could find was cleaning toilets, I'd do that if the alternative was to let someone pay for me!

[lmkimcurious]

Oh hell no!! That sounds like a child, not a boyfriend. That’s literally so lame. And even children work for an allowance… straighten that boy out! I can’t stand entitlement.

[MrExperienced]

Hell no, have higher standards for yourself and date someone who is not a loser and has a future. Everyone is hiring and there is no excuse.

[Zbrody1997]

I’d kick his ass out. Unless you’re okay with it and have that good of a job, everyone’s dynamic is different

[spartan55]

How is it a 'weird situation'? It's called your boyfriend is an unemployed loser. Why would he pay a dime when you will? Lose the loser.

[DishLady]

Beware of deadbeats. They get used to this pattern and just take it for granted that you’ll just continue to be their cash cow.

[lightbulb27]

Does he add any value? He should carey his weight and more at times. At that age he should be making and saving ot working on plans

[Billlewis]

Oh, no, that's a non starter. Contact a day labor company in your area and make an appointment for him to go and sign up.

[JacobJordan]

Is he looking? If not you and him have to decide how and if such a dynamic would work. Generally it doesn't though