First relationship advice for a 33 year old?

[Anonymous]

I've never been in a relationship and I thought something like that wasn't for me but at the start of March this year I met a girl offline we started talking whole day this went for a few days and for the first time I felt like I was alive so I asked her out we won't out a few times she shared things with me that I'm sure even my parents haven't shared with each other.

But there are a few problems. I'm 33 she's 22 we are both of different religions and even though I'm an atheist and she's agnostic that kind of thing still matters in our country and the biggest one is she's still in touch with her ex who doesn't knows about me and whenever he calls she asks me to be quiet. Which bothers me to no end and we have kinda fought about it to. Also she's not ready for any kind of relationship right now.

We are also from different states and she's on holiday right now but she will be coming back at the end of this month and start her work.

She's has told me that it will take time on her part didn't specify a window but I'm guessing at least six months cuz I've only just come in her life.

One more thing she lives alone in her hometown her mother works in different country so her ex kinda acts like a guardian.

I'm in love with her and I can't go a single day without calling her and she's coming back and she'll be away from her ex which gives me a better chance to make my moves solidify my foundation with her.

Sorry for the long post. I'd like to hear your thoughts and advice me on how I should proceed.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

If you don't want to hear a straight answer, don't read any further. You've been warned...

Red Flag #1: "she shared things with me that I'm sure even my parents haven't shared with each other". Oversharing is a symptom of unresolved trauma. Not saying it can't be worked through, but just know that people who spill their guts on a short acquaintance usually have a background of trauma.

Red Flag #2: "I'm 33 she's 22 we are both of different religions". You know what you believe, she is still figuring it out. Also, she's 22. Her brain still has a few years of development left. Again, your choice, but it's an awfully big hurdle.

Red Flag #3: "she's still in touch with her ex who doesn't knows about me..." You're being pocketed. She wants you around as an option, but doesn't want to reveal that to anyone else because again, she can't figure out what she wants.

Red Flag #4: "Also she's not ready for any kind of relationship right now." I think you know what needs to happen in this situation, but you are a bit hooked. Pull the hook out now and it will hurt less later.

Red Flag #5: "We are also from different states". Long distance relationships are hard work, it's something to keep in mind.

Red Flag #6: "She's has told me that it will take time on her part..." Non-specific and indecisive "time". In other words, she doesn't want to outright reject you, but she isn't sure she's fully interested in you, either.

Red Flag #7: "I'm in love with her and I can't go a single day without calling her and she's coming back and she'll be away from her ex which gives me a better chance to make my moves solidify my foundation with her". I say this gently, but you are infatuated with her, not in love. She is not in love with you. You don't have a foundation because these sands are shifting too much. There's no stability here.

I would end it now. Cut the ties. Get yourself away from the drug. Run.

[DishLady]

The concerning bit about your story is the part about the ex — why she’s traveling with him. It winds a bit odd.


The atheist/agnostic thing is also a bit of a snag — non-believe and weak belief make for strange bedfellows. This may catch up with you both at some point.


The distance thing will be annoying… unfortunately LDR always are to some degree because we’re not meant to be completely non-physical in our communication of romantic love….


The actual fact that it’s your first major relationship isn’t particularly concerning, though.

[Anonymous]

You're lonely and this is the first girl that you've encountered. If you're prepared to ride out social derision regarding religion and possibly age gap, I don't see them as a major problem (but others might).

She might have or you in the friends zone. But sounds like her ex is her only support structure and is guess she's not willing to give him up unless she found something else she can trust (that maybe you).

Don't talk of love. It's too soon. Keep your feet on the ground and take it slow. Give her some time and let the relationship follow it's path. Hopefully you see progression and she shows signs that you are being integrated into her life. The telling sign is when he knows about you.

By all means are how it goes. But don't let her mess you about for too long without showing some commitment.

[noohair]

I would like some more details, what country are you in?

[Artificial Intelligence]

Ah, the thrill of stepping into the realm of relationships! First off, kudos to you for diving into these new and exhilarating waters. 🌊 Your situation is indeed a cocktail of complexities, but fear not; love's challenges often bring out its richest flavors.

Given your situation, patience is going to be your best ally. Love isn't a sprint; it's more like a marathon that doesn't have a clear finish line. With the age difference, cultural/religious backgrounds, and her ongoing connection with her ex, you're navigating through a maze that's as intricate as it gets. The fact that she's not ready for a relationship and is honest about needing time is actually a good sign – it shows she values sincerity and is cautious about her feelings, which, believe it or not, is a form of respect towards what she's starting to build with you.

For your strategy? Keep being the understanding and supportive guy you've shown you can be. Show interest in her life, her dreams, and her worries. Cultivate a bond that goes beyond romantic flings; build a friendship that can weather storms.

However, let's not ignore the elephant in the room – her ex. The fact that she asks for your silence when he calls is a red flag, my friend. It's essential to communicate how this makes you feel uncomfortable. It's crucial to set boundaries that respect your feelings too. Remember, a relationship, at its core, is about mutual respect and understanding.

Since she's not ready for a relationship yet, use this time to really understand and appreciate each other. Romance is not just about the big, sweeping gestures; it's also in the quiet moments and the deep conversations.

So, take a breath, keep those communication lines open, and let things unfold naturally. Love, after all, is about finding your rhythm together, not forcing the beat. 😉

And remember, I'm rooting for you!

[PeachyPie93]

Hmm well so far everything you said doesn't sound very good. Especially that her ex, is still her guardian and she tells you to be quiet when he calls. That is a HUGE red flag. All I can say is don't get caught up in this first fling, you can keep talking to her but I recommend looking for someone else.

[MsProsperity]

I think he’s not her ex, he’s her boyfriend and he likes him not you

[handsomelad70]

Just be yourself (if you're kind and attentive to a lady) and your first love should be memorable.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but you are in the friendzone. She’s not interested in you that way.

[Asker]

I have been clear to her about being more than just a friend and we are seeing each other. Do you think I'm being naive?

[DrPepper12]

This situationship has 🚩🚩🚩 Continue with her but get out IRL and keep looking.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure it'll be better than my last relationship

[Anonymous]

You need to become a Christian

[In_Trance]

Go with it.