Search Results: going to the funeral

I turn 23 this year. Yes, I adknowlege I am young. But here is why I suspect my death may be imminently coming within 10 years.
I have never had a girlfriend. I have never formed a legitimate romantic bond with a female before. Yes, I have dated. Yes, I have had sex once, but I barely knew the girl and in all actuality, the sex was never within the confines of a loving relationship. I have never been able to call a girl my girlfriend. I only know one other guy in my situation, but understand that I know hundreds of people.

But then you say, you are still young, you will eventually find someone. NO, not really, because there is one great obstacle. I cannot and WILL NOT get over a woman's past. I cannot get over the fact she has had a first love. They say you never forget your first love. And there is an even greater reason that pertains to past romantic bonds that I can never explain nor really discuss in a way others understand, but just know that getting over a woman's past is something I cannot and will not do. But what options does that leave me? Nothing, except coming to the realization that I will never experience romance or companionship and I will have to face the fact I missed out on love when I was younger. Any reference to young love haunts me ever single day.

Second, I smoke a pack of cigarettes every day. That is around 24 cigarettes a day, or one every hour. Part of me feels if I get cancer, I don't have to worry about abruptly ending my life because the cancer will just take care of that for me.

Third, I am chronically fatigued and depressed. I have no energy to do anything. Just as simple as sitting up, standing, or going to get a meal is an exhausting chore for me.

So I have just turned fourteen-years-old and I've wondering lately due to noticing traits of mine are more unique than most, but it could be the hormones or irrational thinking. I'm pretty serious and quiet person, so I stay inside a lot. Unless I'm going to hangout with friends. Now, during Christmas and Summer Breaks my father will take my older brother and I to our grandparents. While we're there our father will take us to a gun range in the forest to practice shooting and I've been shooting guns since eight years old? Well this past break my father only took my uncle and I with him, but while we were there I had thoughts about killing them both, since they weren't looking. Within seconds I'd thought of how I could of lied and said someone drove up and killed them or go back and kill the rest of my family there at the house. I decided not to, since I didn't want to hurt my mother and I'm quite close to my mother and her side of the family. Also, I'm very curious person and I want to live throughout life free and not dealing with the police and etc. Also I find that a lot of people are ignorant and annoying. When it comes to a lot of people I don't care about your feelings or you in general, unless you deserve my compassion, but I am a respectful person at times. Usually I'm a quiet person, but when it comes to friends of mine. I am a caring, sarcastic, and a kind person. When my grandfather died I was the only one who didn't cry or even get emotional and it was the same at the funeral. I simply did not care that he died and we have had arguments in the past. I disliked him a bit. I even smiled the day he died and I'm pretty different person with my family, so I do smile a bit. The only trait he has that I can respect is his work ethic. Most of my friends come to me for advice, but they don't know my more sadistic side of me. I remember once in 4th grade I enjoyed suffocating my puppy, but stopped after not wanting to kill it. Explain your answer in the comments.