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I have this complicated relationship with my ex...basically we are still extremely attracted to each other, we are extremely civil and polite...no hard feelings at the moment and we give it a go every now and then. The reasons we split up again are just as complicated. And sad to say I still love the guy probably more now than I did in the beginning of our complicated relationship.

That was the background information on my ex.

I started dating this guy...let's call him Clifford in 2012. We share a lot of friends and activities in common so it was easy for us to date and it has been nice. Then a year into our relationship, I started having A LOT of doubts. He started being really intense and I just wanted to get away from that intensity. I told him about it and Clifford said he'd ease up but it did not really help the situation and then he reverted to his usual intense self. Then my grandmother died and all hell broke lose for me because I was extremely close to her. I had to focus on bringing her home because she died in another country and preparing for her funeral. Two weeks later my niece had a brain aneurysm and died as well. If I wasn't in a mess before I definitely was now.

Because I lost these two dear people to me in such a short space of time I started to evaluate my feelings for other people and I came up short with Clifford. He is an awesome person. He's sweet, kind, respectful to his family and extremely helpful. I had a home invasion a few days after my grandmother died and he came to help clean up and reorganise my house. But that wasn't enough for me to garner feelings that clearly don't exist. I think about spending the rest of my life with him and I can't picture it. I can't see myself in his future though he says he can see himself in mine.

Personally, my mind's preference is to rock it solo until I can find someone who compliments me in all aspects...i actually do know how to live without a boyfriend.

My heart wants my ex...that is another complicated story...sigh...but I think about him all the time and he's been the one checking up on me especially with my grandmother and niece's deaths...carrying me around to do errands while Clifford has been "giving me space to heal until I can talk to him about the things that have been bothering me".

Now I'm in another country. My grandfather has to have major surgery and since my grandmother died there is no one to take care of him. So I took time off of work to do so. Since I've been gone my ex has been in contact with me EVERYDAY...Clifford has spoken to me all of three times.

So the big question now that you guys know the majority of the long boring story: DO I STAY WITH CLIFFORD OR DO I LEAVE HIM AND HOW DO I DO IT? Forget about the ex...i will handle that situation when I reach there