Search Results: losing best friend

Okay I have a long time boyfriend, and we're over the year mark. 90% of the time I am very happy with him, and am a perfect girlfriend, but I have these spells where I feel trapped, and want to be single. It lasts for hours, days at most and then I'm back to normal. I usually start a fight and leave until it wears off. I don't cheat every time, but if it lasts more than a night I do. I know it's wrong, but don't judge me. I don't want to occasionally feel different than I usually do, when I'm in that mode I have no intention of staying in the relationship, but it always wears off and I want to be with him. Lately I've been thinking that he knows I cheat on him but pretends not to. Last time I stayed at his best friends cousin for 2 days, and his best friend told him. I admitted that I stayed with him as friends for 2 days, and admitted to sleeping in his bed, but denied having sex with him. My boyfriend either believed me or he is okay with it. I love him and if I could be totally honest with him we could be even closer. I want to somehow figure out if he knows or not, but I'm afraid if he doesn't know everything will be ruined. I'm thinking of cheating, and having that person text him and tell him, and seeing if he mentions it. If he doesn't then I know he knows and we can finally talk about it, and I wouldn't have to worry about losing my relationship every time I mess up. If he doesn't know and he gets upset then I'll just deny it, and act angry. If he isn't okay with it, but forgives me anyway, what's the best way to cheat and make it seem like I'm definitely not? I'm pretty sure he's cool with it, because he's always leaving me alone with guys, he never checks my phone or social media, he doesn't check up on me to see if I am where I claim to be, and never surprises me. He won't show up without texting me and letting me know when he'll arrive. I want to let him know so badly, but without having to have a conversation. Like I want to show him. Advice please?