What Bullying Did To My Life

[Anonymous]

I was bullied throughtout middle school.

There, I said it. That was very hard for me to admit at first. Being a victim of bullying is a weakness, right? It has to be. Being bullied means you're a failure. That's what I told myself every day for all those long years, and that's why it was so hard for me to admit to this.

At first, I lied to myself to make me feel better about being a social outcast -- 'they're not bullying you', I'd think. 'They're just making fun of you because they like you as a person. Because you're accepted'. But nothing could be further from the truth.

The truth was that I was heavily bullied for being ugly. I was never physically abused, but the psychological horror was intense. Every day, like a morning prayer, I would be picked on because of my looks. Mostly by older boys, whose approval I, a lonely preteen, desperately sought.

Those were really lonely years.

I was always too proud to tell people about the psychological abuse I had been suffering. Only once, during all those years, I tried to seek help. I told a teacher whom I was closer to and who knew me better than the others. I opened up and cried to her in the most vulnerable moment of my life. Who wants to admit they're ugly, so ugly, to the point where people would pick on and ostracize them just because of that? But I did, and my teacher did nothing. Not even told off the boys, whose names I gave her. She legitimated the abuse I was suffering. Realizing they would get away with it and nothing would be done to stop them was one of the worst moments of my life.

After that, I never sought help again. I just kept getting more and more depressed. My family never paid much attention to me, and I don't blame them. My parents were raising a sick baby and working full time jobs. Me having absolutely no friends and never wanting to leave my bedroom never seemed weird to them, if they barely noticed that at all. Cousins and school colleagues my age would talk about their new experiences -- their best friends, first kisses, first late night party, their first date at the ice cream stand with the cute boy from down the street. It all felt very distant from me, I was completely disconnected. I thought that just wasn't for me, that I could never get that; I felt like I would never be happy like them.

I was a 13 year old girl who felt absolutely worthless.

At 13, I had won a national math contest. I had read more books than the average person does in their lifetime. I had learned English entirely by myself. And yet I was miserable, and I could only focus on dying. I really, really wanted to die. But I always knew I could never do that to myself, that I lacked the courage. I remember very clearly of fantasizing about a man breaking into my house and shooting me in the head. About someone losing control of their car, its breaks failing and it running over me as I walked on the sidewalk. About me having fatal, unknown allergies, or maybe even a genetic heart disease like my baby sister's. I just wanted it all to end at the beginning of my life.

Looking back, I realize how horrible that is. How can you be so terribly depressed when you know nothing about life? Or worse, how can parents raise kids to made others feel like they deserve to die for being ugly? How can people raise kids to abuse a child for the way they look every single day for years, until the only thing they want and expect from life is a bullet between their eyes?

It's been years though and I'm doing much, much better.

I changed myself in order to be conventionally attractive. I have friends who like me.

But I'm still recovering. It's still incredibly hard for me to engage in any social activities. I couldn't finish my education, because I get panic attacks in educational spaces. I have developed bad anxiety and depression, that I need to take meds for. And I'm scared I'm gonna keep these scars for life. But I'm not miserable anymore.

Because not all the irony in the world is enough, I met one of my abusers again many years later in my cousin's birthday party. After a couple visits to the bathroom because seeing him made me physically sick, I could actually hold his sight for a few seconds. When the party was over, I got back home and cried until I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, he had texted me during the night, saying that he asked my cousin for my number, and that I was one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen.

[vonasaurus]

i was bullied all through elementary school and, like you, spent most of those years alone in my room. i never said anything until it escalated to death threats~ thankfully, the teacher i told took me seriously and the girls who'd made those threats were dealt with.

(why it was taken seriously: some years before, a young girl in my country had been murdered by her classmates after being bullied by them for years. the story attracted so much attention that my teacher would have been stupid to ignore what was happening.)

add that to the chaos at home (my parents were going through a very messy divorce), and it was a recipe for disaster. i was miserable, and i fell into a deep depression; i cried myself to sleep every night and attempted suicide more than once. but, a matter of months after the death threats, my parents moved across town and put me in another school... i finally had a chance to start over and, with it, became a (mostly) happy, well-adjusted teenager/adult.

i still have my moments. anytime i hit it off with someone new, i wonder if s/he is using me and what his or her end game is. i'm suspicious of everyone, and people have to work hard to earn my trust. i also have crippling anxiety and prefer to spend time alone, though i've gotten better over the years.

school is difficult, since it's a small university and there aren't many other mature students, but i'm slowly starting to come out of my little shell and make friends.

i'm sorry to hear you went through this, op. you fought a war, you won, and i'm proud of you. :) <3

[Unit1]

Fellow social outcast here!

I see a common pattern here and there in your story.
But I am unforgiving towards my abusers. Mind, that they would likely to take power over you and then let you down again.
I hated them and I still hate them. I do not miss them and I would not go to a reunion.

I learned for a long time to be a loner and a lone leader, not a follower.
Today I don't see any problems with being single, alone and social isolation.
I have recovered and met some other adequate people. The high school sorts are only the worst types you can come across.

I too had depression and anxiety. I got over the anxiety part but the depression is a never ending battle.
Today I am a confident and nearly emotionless person. My psychics are at least not raining tons of stones on me like before... for now.

I also do not associate myself with the bad sorts because ultimately they will abuse you so long you permit them to. In high school there was no choice. It was a conviction for me.

[YourFutureEx]

This... is fucking amazing. Oh my god.

I can feel this. I've been through this. Life is more than just being attractive, getting attention, making friends boyfriends, hanging out, partying, taking pictures, getting likes on social media etc. The problem is, students live their life in a limited sphere. Things start to take a serious turn in adulthood and lots of other things start to matter in life, but for a student, temporary happiness matters more than the permanent ones.

You studied more than an average person, won a national contest. You know what, you created a path to the success. Permanent happiness, something that really matters.

Be grateful that you don't have a fatal disease, you are not handicapped, you have parents you can look after to (even though they cannot or don't do much but still). You. Have. Capability. And you did it.

I know how hard it is to accept our beauty after all these incidents and consequences. Whenever someone compliments my looks, I thank them but from the inside I never accept it. I can't. I know that they are just being nice. Because during all my childhood, I taught myself to laugh at myself whenever I was being mocked as if you can't beat them, join them. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world will laugh louder.
But I don't get sad over this. At least, I am beautiful from the inside and that's why people are being nice to me. Hope I can expel enough in maths to achieve something like you.

Thanks for writing. You must be a beautiful person. That guy really meant it.

Game on folks, believe!

[mistixs]

Same here. I was bullied and had no friends.

I was really embarrassed about it until recently I was watching fan-videos of the Carrie movies (about a bullied social outcast who uses newly developed telekinetic powers to exact vengeance upon her tormentors), and came across one fan-video to the song Legacy by Eminem. I felt very empowered by the video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVCCBQM0-yI

Hearing well-known celebrities talk openly about having been social outcasts, makes it less embarrassing for me.

So now whenever I go to therapy again I'll be able to more openly talk about my past of bullying (which was too embarrassing for me to talk about before, even though my therapist urged me to) so I can now more fully recover from it.

I still have a lot of healing to do. I never leave the house or talk to anyone.

By the way, other comforting Eminem songs of the same theme are Guts Over Fear, Airplanes, and Monster.

[mistixs]

I just reread your post and you should DEFINITELY watch the video I linked.

"At 13, I had won a national math contest. I had read more books than the average person does in their lifetime. I had learned English entirely by myself."

It seems the video will be very relatable for you.

It basically outlines a lifetime of bullying, and then at the end, accepting one's own differences.

My favorite lyrics from the song:

"Now I think the fact that I'm differently wired's awesome
‘Cause if I wasn't, I wouldn't be able to work words like this
And connect lines, like crosswords
And use my enemy's words as strength
To try and draw from, and get inspired off 'em
‘Cause all my life I was told and taught I am not shit
By you wack fucking giant sacks of lying dog shit!"

[Idonthaveausername]

I get exactly what you mean when you say one of the lowest moments was realizing nobody would actually do anything about it because I went through a similar phase. I realized early on (in elementary school) that nobody would believe my side of the story, and they wouldn't do anything even if they did. So I decided to fight back. I got into a lot of trouble for fighting back, but the physical bullying stopped after that. I was able to deal with the verbal aspect once I got kids to stop kicking my shins all the time

It's great that one of the guys finally came around for you. The biggest thing kids made fun of about me was my curly red hair. They would call me "Ginger," "Carrot Top," "Firecrotch," and "Poodle." What's ironic about that is guys make comments about my hair when they're flirting with me, women make comments about how much they love it, and everyone is always asking me if the color and curls are natural. My hair hasn't changed at all since I was a kid, so now I know all those kids who made fun of my hair all those years growing up were really just being assholes. The other things people made fun of me were for being short and looking like a guy. Well apparently being short is a turnon for a lot of guys and I got some very non-manly curves in high school that the same girls who made fun of me tell me they wish they had now. It's funny to look back now and realize that everything kids bullied me for growing up are all of the things adults are jealous of me or the reason why they're attracted to me now. Bullies are jealous kids who don't know how to handle their own insecurities properly, and some of them do mature enough to realize what they did wrong in time to apologise for it

Just be your own unapologetic self. You're probably smarter than most people because of the books you read. Well in case you didn't know, most guys are into smart, nerdy chicks when they're actually looking for a relationship. Use that to your advantage

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I was bullied to, aslo because "I was ugly". It started when I was 12, right on the start of my puberty, as if i hadn't enough problems haha. I was lost. I tried to talk to my mom, she didn't listened, as like you I never again seeked for help again. After good 2 years of hearing how stupid and ugly I was, from everyone (not only my class, also some from my family). I also thought about killing myself. I was standing on that bridge, ready to just jump. Than i realised how stupid I was haha, I realised that I have my whole life ahead of me. And I started to change it, on my own 'cause if you want to do something right, you have to do it yourself.

I let the people say what they wanted to and faked my confidence until I really gain confidence. I was standig infront of my mirror and told myself everyday how beautiful I was. And I started to dress well, do sport and do all do feel good about myself and also I started to act like a bitch towards others haha
I learned to love myself ,'cause you can't change how others think of you , but you can change how you think of yourself and learn to give a fuck about what others say.
People now even call me narcissistic haha

A few years ago I met the girl who started with all of it. Haha her look in her eyes was priceless!
I confronted her, she said that she had done it because of jealousy.

My advice, learn to truly give a shit and do your thing!! It's your life, not theirs and you deserve to live your life the best way possible and the way how you want it to.

[chriss]

How can you call yourself ugly while everyone has different preferences?

One person can find you attractive and the other person will not.

I am saying this because everyone likes to generalize but we all have our own types.

[Opinion Owner]

@chriss I didn't call myself ugly, they did haha I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[Peachman]

Sorry to hear that you were bullied knowing what it is like but not to the same extent as wanting two be killed, and people not doing anything about it especially those that should.

Hope that the scares go for you as they are just begging two for me just know that it takes time and i mean like 3 years+ and that's after there is change. Thanks for speaking out about this as there are many people that will find the strength to keep going through reading this, have a good day / night and I hope this quote helps you like it helped me.

If you'r going through hell keep going - Winston Churchill

And if someone says eg it was nothing or deal with it ignore them they don't know what is was like.

And the way you reacted to seeing your past bully was completely normal if not better than most would

Good Luck :)

[fueledbythc]

I dont want to admit it but i used to bully kids in elementary to the end of high school but reading this gives me some insight on how i made those kids feel. I wasn't a physical bully but i knew words hurt way more. I wasn't just one of those people who would come in a group and laugh at the ugly girl. I was way worse. I picked on some of my teachers too. The way i did it always got people laughing or joining in. When these kids told on me, i would end up having a grudge against these snitches and the verbal abuse always got worse.

I relfect on how horrible i must have been to my victims. Most tried to get help from parents and teachers and i always got a yelling at or detention (but i never went) because i was so mean and horrible. I get guilty about it now because i used to find pleasure in other peoples pain. I did it for fun which can be one of the worst reasons.

[SovereignessofVamps]

So why didn't the victims pain matter to you?

[fueledbythc]

@SovereignessofVamps i was sadistic as a child and carried over to when i was a teenager. I used to laugh when babies cry and try to make them cry. I stopped this at about 8.

[fueledbythc]

I think it was also i was insecure about how emotional and sensitive i am because as a child i was called a cry baby for having my feelings hurt easily. I ended up masking my emotions and being a stupid kid i though being mean would show how strong i can be.

[SovereignessofVamps]

If you were sensitive why didn't punishments work then?

[NatashaBeauty]

Growing up I went to private schools and I was home schooled and everyone was my friend (even the people that didn't like me) I've never experienced those issues before. Why did you want acceptance so much though? What was it about those older boys? Older guys have always payed attention to me. It was pretty funny now that I look back at it. Older guys in high middle school are dumb. So you didn't miss out on anything. In middle school and high school all I focused on was sports and my academics. Yeah, I had a boyfriend but he had the same thing in mind. Just don't let any of it get to you. Have a strong mind and don't listen to what others have to say.

[Prof_Don]

I substitute teach middle school, and trust me bullying is VERY common. Preteens and young teens are so primal, doing overt thing to exert social dominance over someone else to elevate their own social status.

Looking at them, it is downright pathetic how much affirmation from their peers drives their actions... but that's just what happens at that age.

Glad you're recovering your mind and spirit! :)

[levantine99]

kids can be brutal. innocence my ass. so much hatred and evil can be in their hearts. and whoever doesn't conform to the "blend in/ be accepted by your peers" mindset is first class bullying material.

[neoagent1]

I am glad you are recovering. I'm sorry you were bullied so badly. I was bullied too from Kindergarden to about 5th grade when I had my mom enroll me in Karate. I stood up to this douchebag, fought back. It turned out not many people liked him so his mommy pulled him out of the school. Good riddance.

[SovereignessofVamps]

It's terrible what those people did to you. You know what the worst part is? If someone treated them the same way, they would've run screaming up and down the halls complaining. They can't handle their own abuse, so don't feel weak about what they did, pls.

[likitb4istickit]

Eh, life and the world sucks. That goes for everyone, just for different reasons (even rich people get bullied by IRS thugs). You either kill yourself (and sometimes take as many as you can with you) or you get over it or learn to live with it. I chose the latter.

[alice55]

I was bullied too in middle school because I dressed bad (not fashion, not sexy enough) and that I was very shy and short.
When I begin to wear brand clothes it get a lot better and i was even popular in high school.
I forgive all my bully because you can't go far in life is you can't forgive stuff people do when they're young and immature.

[levantine99]

what a fucked up society. bullied for not being in fashion and wearing brands. how superficial and moronic.

[alice55]

@levantine99 That's teens and too being fashion is one of the most important things in my country.

[Bandit74]

Yeah, I can relate to a lot of what you said except I'm not medicated for anything.

Im curious tho, in what ways did you change yourself to be more attractive?

It seems like a big jump to go from being emotionally abused for how you look to having one of the same guys who used to bully you now perceive you as the one of the most attractive girls he has ever seen.

[Anonymous]

As I want through middle school I got bullied, had rumors start that I was pregnant (which I was and kept a secret), I was always out in the middle of fights. I am now 19 I have a beautiful baby girl who will be 4 in October. I had to deal with everyone bullying me because I was the only 14 year old mom in our school. I have delt with self harm, suicide, eating disorder and anorexia. I know how it is to not wanna go to school, not wanna wake up and not wanna breath anymore. But I'm glad I overcome all of that cuz I Dont know what I would do if I didn't get to meet my beautiful mini me. All I did to overcome the bullied is I out them in there place and took a stand I told myself "I'M TAKING A STAND AND I won't BACK DOWN!!" as long as you can stay positive and not let them get to you, you can overcome anything. Your life matters. Everyone's lifes matter.

[Browneye57]

Gotta toughen up a little there, cupcake. Life is full of rough and tumble. Never be afraid to laugh at yourself.

We used to say, "Life's a bitch and then you die."

Everybody has their trials. If they don't kill you they make you stronger. Cliched but true.

[Anonymous]

I despise bullying. I'm very sorry that you had to suffer through that. I wish you well on your recovering journey ❤

[zagor]

Middle school was the absolute worst. I was a shy, insecure kid with glasses and a speech impediment. I used to hate going to school every day - one night I laid on top of my covers all night with the window open hoping to get sick. In HS things gradually got better.

[saya93]

Your story reminds me so much of me and I want to let you know you are amazing. I never told anyone about my bullying for fear they would say that i deserved it. I'm glad you aren't miserable. Everyone deserves to be happy and love themselves.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that. I was bullied and a social outcast in middle school and some of high school and yes it can take a toll on your self esteem and confidence. Sometimes even when you're not being bullied but having people avoid you can hurt just as much aka the silent treatment.

[Reach500]

actively freezing people out can be a form of bullying

[Opinion Owner]

freezing people out?

[Reach500]

When I said "freezing people out," I meant, ostracizing them

[Anonymous]

I was bullied in middle school as well, thinking back its really pathetic tho cause I would get made fun of over something that wasn't in my control (my acne was bad 7th grade) and it makes me realize people talk down other people just to feel better about themselves. which is just sad on a bunch of levels lol