Search Results: feelings without knowing her

Do you know what. I can try with everything I've got, but sooner or later it always come back to this. It just hurts too much to be me. No matter how deep I bury it, how hard I fake it, how happy and chilled out I look, it's always bubbling away, waiting to erupt and take me over. And I do feel guilty for the feeling, believe me, painfully guilty and weak, and pathetic. I'm lonely, but no one can tell. I seriously think it'd be better if I didn't exist, better for at least, and impact would it have on the world? Not much, if any, I think.

I guess, am I just some sort of pathetic lonely weirdo?

I care so much about my family, so much that it hurts, but what good is that care if they never see it, never know it. All this, "I try to help quietly" nonsense that I've always done, is just rubbish isn't it. It's not good enough. I know that, but I can't do it any other way now. I've spent so long teaching myself to care without showing, to help without them knowing, to love without expressing, to cry without making a sound, that If I was a book my covers would be glued down so well that'd never be able to read me. I'm unknowable and certainly unlovable now. I'm pointless as a person.

I'm sorry, I just try so hard to make all this go away, but it never does, it's always there, and it always overwhelms me eventually. Just a viscous circle, that I'm not sure how long I can keep running in. I feel guilty for feeling this way.