Search Results: no sex in marriage

I know this is personal and you can make your identity anonymous like I did, I am one who is following this state of mind myself, but am of course alright with opposers. I know everyone is different. Be kind to fellow commenters.

Back drop to the story is when I was 19, I ended up in a bad place. Found a guy that I practically loved, but at the same time was going through a bit of turbulence in my life at the time and had to drop out of my university course etc which was completely embarrassing for me.

Anyway, I was drinking heavily at the time each weekend. And then I met this aforementioned guy - and I really really liked him. Like seriously, had never felt like I did about someone before him. Things went swimmingly to begin with, and I forgot about all of the other troubles during that time.

Things had been too good to be true, only for him to decide early on that he didn't want things to go further, and he was also 'bored' because I wouldn't sleep with him. I don't believe in sex before marriage - and it's a good job in that situation that I didn't.

So I was extremely upset at the time, felt even worse than I had before. A few months after the split, he invited me to a house party at his and I agreed to go (naively hoping we'd sort things out).

I went over drunk to find that he'd taken drugs and was trying to pursue a relationship with one of my friends who I'd went to school with.

So me and my friend were sitting together, only two girls at the party, and all the other guys in the room were taunting us with 'you should kiss'. Now, I'm in no way a believer of this kind of thing. But my drunken self saw this as an opportunity to get back at my ex for hurting me like he did.

So we kissed like very briefly, maybe 3-4 seconds and my ex walked in and got extremely annoyed. As I had hoped at that time.

However a now more mature me, who is t-total and settled in another relationship with no contact with my ex still feels extreme regret and shame about what I did. Especially when my motives were as sour as they were. The thought still haunts me, because I stand for the exact opposite of everything I did.

I mean seriously, will I ever lay this to rest? I'm so ashamed.

Thoughts?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. We started talking 5 months before that. [(He broke up with me after a month because I wouldn't sleep with him. But we got back together.)((I waited for marriage with my exhusband and I view sex differently than others do. He was very abusive that is why we are no longer together.))] Anyway, he broke up with me again in November saying that he couldn't deal with me having a child.

He slept with a couple people (including a pretty ex) texting more. We got back together after about three weeks of us being broken up even though we were around each other all the time.
I got let go and I saw that he texted a girl from work the day after I got fired. I confronted him about it. He said he didn't know why he texted her that it seemed like something to do because he had to ask about his schedule. But that it wouldn't have went anywhere. I asked if he wanted an open relationship but he said no because he wouldn't want me doing the same. I've seen him texting and talking to two other ones.
I asked him what he was doing. If he really wanted a relationship with someone else or what. He said it was just talking and running into each other at work. Said I was who he loved and what he wanted. That it was just conversation that he did it for excitement.
I asked him if I wanted him to join a dating app if he would for me. He asked why? I told him if it was just conversation and flirting. He could do that. He said he deleted stuff like that a long time ago and that he didn't need them. So I asked if "the endgame really was to sleep with her." (Because that to me sounds like he actually likes this person and really wants to persue her.) He told me the endgame was to be 89 sleeping with me.
But I asked him once more before work if he actually wanted to have sex with her. If it went that far if he would not. He said "What do you want me to say?" Then he replied "Yes. I would fuck her. And then I'd leave her alone. And she'd leave me alone."