Search Results: feeling guilty

When I was 18, I lived in Ohio. I had a fling with a guy. I loved him. The first man I truly loved. On the 4th of July 2004, we were at the fireworks when he asked to have sex in the woods. I said no. I felt guilty because he was a virgin, I was not, and I had a strong feeling I would be forced to leave the country. I ended up opting to go back and my heart broke because I loved him and felt like he did too. We kept in touch and are still friends to this day. He came out as gay to me a couple years ago. He said he figured it out shortly after I left, but hid it from everyone and I was the one he was most afraid to tell because he still loved me. And through the years, I’ve loved him too. Not in a romantic way, but I cherish him.

I admitted I regretted not having sex with him that night and come to find out, I knew that he got married to a woman after me, but he didn’t love her. And that aside from her, I’m the only other woman he finds attractive.

We planned a drunk karaoke night the next time I visit. I’m hoping within the next year, but this is where it gets complicated.

I told him that despite my regret, I won’t be sleeping with him when I visit. I have a friends with benefits that I’m very attracted to of almost 2 years. And my kids know and like him too. But there’s still a part of me that wants to have sex, just once, to make up for my regret. But at the same time, I love R. In the same way I loved L. More than L could have at 17, but my kids tell him they love him too. So even though we’re only FWBs, I feel like I would be cheating on him. We both said that while we see where this goes, we’re okay with the other seeing other people, but that neither of us are like that.

R knows about L. I’ve even told him I still have a love for L. R is the same about his first girlfriend. 9 years together and he let her get away.

So what would you say and why?