Search Results: depression and suicidal thoughts

My parents sent me to a mental hospital for depression and agitation against my will 9 years ago and it only made my depression worse and left me traumatized and hateful towards my parents. I left with no diagnosis of a mental illness. It was found out about a year later that I did have a mental illness, but one that is usually made worse by inpatient hospitalization. After that I went through tough times even to the point that I became suicidal but never received help or counseling through college for fear of being sent back. After college things got very rough with the job market and having been rejected from so many graduate programs. I fell into a deep state of depression but didn't get help and I felt worse than I ever did before. Twice I was ready to end my life (once with poison and another by jumping off a bridge). But this time around I got into a PhD program but then the memory of the mental hospital and the feeling of resentment and hatred that I felt towards my parents came back like a tidal wave and I felt even worse than I did last year and the anger and hatred towards my parents made me physically sick. It was then that my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6 months to live (3 months ago) and when she asked me to visit her I reminded her of the mental hospital and told her to fuck off and rot. After about two months I was tired of feeling depressed and suicidal so I saw a psychiatrist and told him how I feel because many people said "how could a psych hospital be that bad"? Well turns out in and of itself it didn't have as much of an impact on me that I thought it did but because I didn't get treated later those stress events probably caused severe mental damage to the point that I have to be depressed about something. But furthermore, it turns out my dad (whom I also disowned) gave misleading information (we were fighting a lot then) and had he given accurate info I wouldn't have been committed.