Search Results: getting raped

Hi
Here are some things about me :

Animals:
Horses, dogs, doliphins, I also like other animals as well like zebras and etc. The only animals I dislike is : snakes, spiders and etc

Colors: I love all colors..

Allergic to : cats, and cigattee smoke

Activites: riding horses , and listening to music , helping animals and others

What I look like : brown wavy/ curly hair with brown eyes and im white.( I shaved my hair out of depression and it sucks.. so now I'm trying to regrow it )

Country/city girl : I was born in the city.. i moved to the country last year in Oct. And still getting used to it..
One day I would love to be a country girl

What my past was like:
It was bad horrible.. I barley know any school. I barely got to do anything. I don't really have friends. Never got to do any sports or anything. I was abused, assaulted, domestics violence and so much more.
There is so much more to my past.

Children : I had a miscarriaged at 6wks ( raped by my stepdad and he got me pregnant )

Religion : Christian
Right now I am trying to get back with Jesus

SO:Yes I have a boyfriend

Music: Christian , rock , pop , country , hip-hop

Siblings: yes I have 2 brothers that are alive and they are in elementary school. And yes I am the oldest. My mother had 2 miscarriages twin girls and 1 boy

Counseling : yes I wish I had someone to talk to.. so it can help me

Diagnosed with : ptsd , trauma , trauma to head, and I do have blackouts ( unexpectedly) and I do have depression

If u want anymore info feel free to ask me anything. . or leave your opinion

If you like to be my friend please leave an opinion and or follow me and I'll follow u

1. When a guy ask me out I assume he wants more
2. I get defensive quick, my first thought is cheating, failure or abandonment
3. I can talk openly and have deep conversation, but if a guy shows interest in a romantic way I freeze and run away I avoid conversation about it
4. Too scared to be sexual, cause I caught feelings for my friends with benefits and he didn’t want me in a romantic way (I am celibate because of it. Have been for years).
5. I am loving, witty, caring and open.
6. I love dates, but I don’t want to date I just want the guy I am supposed to be with sent from the heavens. And not do the work behind finding “the one”.
7. I can be unavailable emotionally and cold
8. Don’t like PDA or getting physical with anyone.
I love being single, love my freedom but I get lonely more often than I can count on two hands. And everyone around me are in love (friends and family). I am happy for them but I often look at my hopeless situation.
7. I feel bitterness towards men
8. I haven’t had the best experience with men. I have been sexually harassed/raped, my dad cheats on my mom all the time since I was a little girl, my first boyfriend left me for someone else, was in a abusing situation and my friends with benefits hurt my feelings.
9. Reading and hearing about men doing women wrong makes me explode even more, especially dating today and how gross we treat each other.

I am ready to shake it all off and start trusting again. I have been single for four years. I can’t keep up with this sad love life. I have used my free time on myself and I have found my passion (self discovery). I am not ready to fully commitment yet even if I miss the intimacy the most (I am still young, and enjoying life), but I am done being mad at men. They deserve better and so does my soul.

Advice?