Search Results: is my confidence hurting me

Years ago, I developed feelings for a friend. I let the romanticised thoughts of us having a relationship together build in my head to a point of obsession and eventually couldn't take it anymore. I told her my feelings; if only to get it off my chest.

She didn't feel the same but asked if we could still be friends. I agreed, though I was a little hurt at first and I fell into a depressive stint. Being rejected got me thinking: "I look for qualities I in a woman, but what can I possibly offer them?" At the time, I would have described myself as: depressed, tubby and no self esteem/ self confidence.

I joined a gym and started dieting. Lost a lot of weight and while I don't mean to brag, I finally feel confident due to my newly formed attractive body (less flab, more abs). I'm also a hell of a lot more motivated and out going than I once was. As for my friend, we would sometimes talk over the next couple of years; but only a few times. Nothing bad; we just didn't end up talking that much.

We recently started talking again and I noticed she seemed different around me than before. Eventually, she told me that she'd developed feelings for the "new me". (my words, not hers) and asked if I still felt the same? I told her I needed to think about it because... well... I'm not sure it's a good idea to date her...

On the one hand, I still have feelings for her and it would be a dream come true... But on the other hand, I spent years telling myself not to feed this obsession for her and to move on with my life; it was unhealthy and damaged our friendship. I've changed so much ( I think for the better) since I confided my feelings in her that I find myself asking if she's even really in love with me or my new sexy body and newly found confidence. Then again, isn't that why I made these changes: to seem more attractive to the opposite sex?

Do I give into my urges and have a relationship with her? Or do I continue to tell myself there's nothing there and we should both move on?

So I gaslight, mostly my roommate. I convince her that she did or say things she didn't actually do. I just like to play mental games and see if I can outwit people. I don't do the whole make her think things are her fault when they're mine like domestic abusers do after they strike their partner. But like if she starts just chit-chatting with me I can predict what the conversation is going to turn into after a minute of listening to her and I start making the points before she says them and then tell her we already had this conversation earlier in the day (we hadn't). I don't think I'm hurting her nor am I trying to destroy her self-esteem or make her be dependent of me which is what I learned people want when they gaslight. I just like the challenge of creating a false perception and mentally besting someone else. I make up the lie and then I present it to her with the utmost confidence and I add exact details to make it seem really believable.