Strict Parenting Handicaps Children

[FadedGrenade]

Strict parents cause their children to be more troubling, despite the intentions. It has the opposite effect.

1. You've Mastered Lying and Sneaking Around

After a lot of practice, lying to their face becomes a piece of cake. I can straight up lie to anyone about anything with confidence. It is also easier to sneak around with experience. I go into my house through the window every day because I lost my key. They'd kill me if they knew I lost it, so that's just how it is now. You lie constantly, all the time, about everything. Even after moving out.

2. You become Crazy Once you Move Out

Once you move out, stay at a friends house, or go to any situation where your parents can't control you, you go wild. Wow, so much freedom! A lack of parental supervision is the most exciting thing ever now. You can do whatever you want. You can party, drink, sleep late, eat unhealthily, and nobody can stop you. Might as well do it every day...

3. You Don't Understand Self Discipline

Tying with number 2, strict parents don't teach a person to self-regulate. They have no responsibility for themselves, and they don't actually feel the need to behave. They just know that if they misbehave, they will be punished. Punishments might control behaviour temporarily, but in the long run, they won't know how to have self-responsibility.

4. You Grow Up with Hate

Kids take after their parents. They are the most important figures in their life. Monkey see, monkey do. The child sees you yelling, child bullies others. If the parent is forceful, the child will be forceful. They live in fear of their parents, not learning how to forgive. Even if the parent does everything out of love, a child usually cannot see that.

5. Self-Disgust

Strict parenting teaches you that you are just a mistake to be punished. It shows you that parts of you are wrong and that you need to be disciplined for it. Kids will just learn that they are wrong and hurt. They are left alone and insecure.

6. You Can't Think for Yourself

Strict parents think for the child, control the child, do everything for them. They'll never learn to be independent. They learn to follow rules, but they don't learn to think for themselves. In the future, they won't question authority when they should and they won't take responsibility for their actions. They will just follow the crowd.

In the end, it also makes your child lose respect for you and fear you. Strict parents have a relationship less satisfying to both parent and child. Strictness does not work in creating better-behaved kids; in fact, it handicaps kids in efforts to develop emotional self-discipline.

[BeeNee]

A lot of my friends had extremely strict upbringings. They were basically to the point of being held prisoner until they graduated, and even then for some of them into college, their parents would show up sort of deal.

From my own observations, it really teaches kids like that that they cannot be trusted to do anything or to handle themselves outside of their parents care... and then what does that reflect on the parents---that their teachings and influence on their children are so dull and ineffectual that they feel as though they can't trust them for even a second to be able to do the right thing outside of their view.

My parents didn't let me go running wild in the street or anything and I wouldn't have wanted parents who seemingly never cared, but they did trust me a lot and I took a lot of value in that trust. There were consequences for going against that trust, but it taught me the boundaries, to be independent, but to know that they had my back as well.

Now, I see some of those same friends with kids and they are the same hard a------ that their parents were on them knowing full well how they struggled and it made them feel. It's just this horrible repetitive cycle based on the irrational fear that if you let a kid think or do for themselves, they'll be ruined or ruined by others---but that's where being a parent comes into the mix. Teach them well. Teach them where the line is. Teach them to be safe and watch out for them, but kids aren't china dolls meant to be locked in a glass case forever.

[Robertcw]

Sounds like you got the ideal authoritative parenting style. That's exactly what everyone needs. Authoritarian is damaging and too much leeway is damaging.

[just_tired]

Exactly! I see this all the time. Some strictness is a good thing, but only if it's accompanied with communication about why they're being strict and it's not angry.

[EpicDweeb]

I had what most would call strict parents... and I've had the exact opposite experience for the most part. I learned quickly how to control myself. I learned self control so that I wouldn't get into trouble. I've learned how to think for myself as time has gone on and quite frankly it's only led to me seeing and understanding all the more how/why my parents raised me the way they did.

I'd like to make a clarification that isn't made clear in this. There is strict parenting and there is "on edge" parenting as I'd call it. On edge parents are the kind who punish their kids just to keep them in line and make sure they behave. Strict parents in the sense of my parents being strict punished me and my siblings as a teaching tool "if you doing something wrong there are negative consequences in life." This taught us self control and even respect for our parents who we knew loved us. On edge parenting is usually a sign that parents are just doing whatever seems to work in the moment.

In response to each point:
1. Yes I did learn quickly how to lie and sneak around I can't argue so much with that one which is why giving kids a fundamental understanding of WHY lying is wrong is very important for parents.
2. I will probably take advantage of several freedoms I'd not had previously but I'm not going to crazy because I realized how wise my parents are and I'm smart enough to heed their advice.
3. Self-discipline was literally the first thing I learned as a child. All kids growing up in strict households either learn quickly to control themselves so as not to get in trouble, or how to avoid getting caught so as not to get in trouble.
4. My parents did everything out of love and I never grew up with hate. The thing that I'd guess sets my parents apart from others is the fact that they always sat us kids down to make sure we knew EXACTLY why they punished us, they never let us fall into the idea that they didn't love us.
5. Again my parents always made it very clear that they loved us kids. This was especially evident for me in the fact that I was the last child born amongst 8 siblings. If I was just a mistake to be punished and to stay out of my parents hair... they wouldn't have had me.
6. My parents taught me and my siblings the why behind everything. They taught us to use logic. They taught us to submit to and respect those in authority over us, but never to go against what we believed to be morally right if it came down to that.

[btbc92]

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG with all of the points given. It makes parents who care about the welfare of their children look really bad.

1. "Srict parents cause their children to be more troubling, despite the intentions. It has the opposite effect." Wrong. It's HOW you chose to discipline, such as yelling, screaming, belittling that makes a child be troubled. It's abuse. Abuse handicaps children and anybody of any age. This is common sense but something NOBODY wants to address.

2. "After a lot of practice, lying to their face becomes a piece of cake. I can straight up lie to anyone about anything with confidence." Your parents didn't teach you how to lie unless they truly did to your face. You chose to lie. Kids chose to lie. People lie because it's a choice given to them. It's not like their lives are at stake unless it was. And still is. I know this because I've even done it. It was my choice to lie because I didn't want to get caught. Let's take responsibility for ourselves instead of pointing the finger. Since we're all supposedly adults. I grew up in a strict home. My parents didn't make me lie. I lied when I did because I didn't want to get in trouble or spanked. I still got in trouble. And I still got spanked. Come on already.

3. "You become Crazy Once you Move Out" Wow. Now, this is even a bigger lie here. If you have to go through all of this, your weak. It has nothing to do with strict parenting. Its the fact that disobedient kids don't want to heed to authority. Wants to do WHATEVER they wanted because others do it, and they want to be like other people. You know how I know? Because at some point I felt the same way. BUT, not to be doing all of that craziness your saying. But to be independent and to match my personality and mentality. Not to be a trouble maker. If you want to party, it's because you want to be uncivilized. You want to drink, you do it because you want to try to prove something to the world.

3. "You Don't Understand Self Discipline". Another major lie in this myTake. Self-discipline is choice. And how many people who lack self-control, especially concerning shopping, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc all came from strict households? Not that many. That I can guarantee you. I chose to discipline myself because I am a disciplined and principled person. I know myself. A lot of people don't. No matter what a parent do and teach their kids. It is the child's decision at some point whether or not they chose to follow and heed to instruction.

[btbc92]

4. "You Grow Up with Hate". Now this here is confusing. If you grow up to hate your parents, it's because there is something internally wrong with you and you as well as the family needs HELP. Because it's dysfunctional. But if you don't try to see WHY they do what they do, and if you can't forgive, your just as guilty and at fault. There is only but so much they can do to your life if you let them. At the same time, if you don't try to stand up for yourself respectfully, this will continue to impact other parts of your life.

5. "Self-Disgust" Again, confusing. Because one thing is certain. Abuse causes all of the things you've stated. Strict parents do not. It also depends on YOUR PERSONALITY. As well as theirs. When I took MBTI. I found out why I behaved and acted the way I did and still do. I got tested as an INFJ. My late mom also was an INFJ. And my dad, could you not believe it is an ESTJ. Ah oh. Now according to the socionics aspect of it, it is not a match made in heaven.

[btbc92]

Especially when you have two unhealthy individuals and they become a couple, get married and have children. If they aren't healed or got help, it can at some point get abusive. Especially when they don't bother to try to get to know YOU as an individual and not just as their child. The fact that I had to learn growing up is that everything is NOT meant to cater to your feelings or emotions. When bills have to paid the bill collectors ain't going to care about your feelings, or whether your sick, deathly ill or died. They want their money. And somebody's got to pay for it. Parents that are strict are preparing us for the harsh reality of this world. Nobody gives a crap about you. Just the very few that do.

"Strict parents think for the child, control the child, do everything for them. They'll never learn to be independent. They learn to follow rules, but they don't learn to think for themselves. In the future, they won't question authority when they should..." This is crazy. Are you

[btbc92]

telling us it's okay to rebel and do whatever you want because your feelings are more important than everything and everybody else? We have a job to do. Everybody. Strict parents DO NOT, think for the child. PARENTS overall DO when it comes down to adult decisions that a child cannot make. Simple parenting 101. Your saying parents shouldn't be parents. Every parent is strict with something, if not with just everything. You have the overprotective dad or mother, who will fight or even kill for their kid. Especially when somebody hurts their child in relationships or plot to date them just for sex. Parents who don't believe in premarital sex, not necessarily based on religion will always be at odds with the kids who do believe it's okay. It's just how it is. Then when these same kids end up knocked up, cheated on, homeless, etc, who do they turn to if not just the system? The same parents they claim is strict or abusive.

[FadedGrenade]

well of course im not going to name this Take 'abusive parenting handicaps children.'
It would get removed/flagged/hate/etc. Also many people seem to agree with me. Maybe you could switch strict with abusive and be happy? By strict, i do not mean parents that care a lot about the welfare of their children. basically every parent does. I mean parents that use unnecessary, abusive tactics in order to 'benefit' their kids' future.

[btbc92]

And How exactly would that get taken down? If you state it well it wouldn't get taken down. Of course, they are going to agree because these are the very same people who are rebellious and hate their parents just because they didn't get what they wanted as children. They have to make their own decisions on how they want to live their life. That is not the definition of strict. But flat out abuse. It is what it is.

[btbc92]

"I mean parents that use unnecessary, abusive tactics in order to 'benefit' their kids' future." One thing you got wrong here, again. They can care less about your future and what is beneficial to you. It's what benefits them to make them look good in the eyes of society. That's all.

[Unit1]

Most of it rings true to me.

1. Kind of.
I have hidden bad grades and other stuff, that my parents deem as a reason to need to punish my already miserable life.
Now I just evade all sorts of conflicts and reasons for a little home-war even if it means to lie.

2. Not really but I had a few instances of it only to learn, that some of these things are just no good for me.
So in a way I stopped doing "what i like" (only some things. I still do what I want) and did and still do "what needs to be done".

3. Not applicable to me. I have 100% self discipline.

4. Kind of.
But at least I made out of it in time. Man it is a deep scar in my life.

5. Yup! I had my share of depression. I still have.
But I do not hate myself since some time now.

6. It used to be for a long time. I looked for guidances from others only to find myself being misguided multiple times until I said "Fuck it! Fuck all of you, idiots.".

Now I do everything in my power in order to stay out of my parents. You just reap exactly what you sow.

[JulieXO]

When I first started reading this, I thought I agreed, but your points escalated really quickly. I grew up with strict parents and my experience was a bit different.
The first two points are definitely true. I am an expert liar, and I still feel the need to keep things from my parents, out of habit I guess. I also became a bit crazy when I first moved out, but I calmed down within 2 years of living alone. My discipline isn't ideal, but I don't think that's my parents' fault, it's just who I am as a person.
Growing up without love and growing up with hate are two completely different things. My parents may not have shown me much affection, but it definitely didn't make me a forceful person or a bully. I am perfectly capable of forgiveness and giving love to people I care about. Self-hate is another thing my parents definitely didn't cause. That was the doing of the other kids at school, the bullies, who grew up getting everything they wanted.
Your last point is the one I disagree with the most. I have always been capable of producing my own thoughts. My parents are Christian, and they made me go to church and take religion classes ever since I can remember. However, I am and always have been an atheist. The fact that they pushed Christianity onto me didn't influence my ability to think for myself. I believe it's more influenced by one's personality, rather than their upbringing.
My parents ave become much less strict with my younger siblings. When I look at my brother, who's 11 years younger than me, all I see is a spoiled brat. He is rude, disrespectful and aggressive. I am glad my parents raised me the way they did.

[MlleCake]

I think you make some excellent points. There are ways to instill good values and behavior in your children. Sometimes being strict in a certain situation is the right answer. Sometimes you have to relax and let your child make certain mistakes and learn from them.

Instead of ordering my daughter around, if there was a way I wanted her to change behavior, I spent the time with her to model better behavior, and help her overcome the hurdles she was having. She had every kind of bad example from her narcissistic grandfather who was one of her primary caregivers in life, to her total trainwreck biological mother who was every kind of screwed up you can imagine. Yet, despite all that, because she got support, love and attention from other good adults in her life (me, dad, grandma, aunt Karen, her managers at her first job, MY mother, her other grandparents, aunt Patty, aunt Brenda.) she has turned out to be an incredibly functional and happy adult with excellent self-discipline.

It's always a balance. There are ways parents need to be strict. But being a good parent does not mean you have to be an inflexible tyrant who essentially demands that your children become sneaky, etc.

Good take. Glad you took the time for this.

[jp612612]

I'm sorry you had a rough childhood, but I don't agree with this at all. My parents were really strict when I was growing up and while money isn't everything, it definitely set all of us up to be prepared for life. My older sister is an attorney and a partner at her firm, my little sister is a doctor in Colorado, and I'm sort of the loser of the group with a Bachelors in engineering and a Masters in Business Administration.

Only sort of... because you see, while the three of us are a total of four years apart, there's my little brother who was born 14 years after me. My parents decided to raise him completely differently. They were far more lax with grades and in fact, when he first came home with a B- in some subject, they told him with a smile "Aaron, you can do better than this, ok?" If that were us? We would have been spoken to as if we had some sort of mental defect. Well today he's 27, he never went to college, he has never had a job, and he still lives with my parents. It's sort of funny because somehow, my parents managed to raise a stereotypical millennial and it almost makes me wonder if the village really does raise the child. Anyway, while Aaron was growing up, I greatly approved of the easy-going approach that my parents took to raising him. Now I know that in reality, he got the short end of the stick.

[blissinanarchy12]

I don't go wild by myself. But in my special case, my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and didn't so much as breathe in privacy without her thinking im in danger (never had friends, girlfriends, never could go out, be alone, or try something new like cooking or joining a club). She basically wasn't like a helicopter parent, she was more of a set of handcuffs and a gag. She was over protective at the same time she'd psychologically torment me and say she wish she never had me or call me names, then lie to psychiatrist about the reason why I act the way I act, giving me about 20 false diagnosis. So yeah, it was fun. Now I have every symptom of C-PTSD and have crippling anxiety, and am constantly crushingly self concious because of how'd she negatively judge every movement id make (literally) and feel guilty about any typs of assertiveness because she'd snap out ovet anything even if you were polite, or threaten suicide. I automatically put her in the place of everyone and anybody I talk to I dont show personality, can't speak up, and am so anxious

[edmonton]

my parents are both really strict and are the helicopter type. Like they never let me go out without them, or have a phone and social media. And to be truthful I have become a very good liar. But I have really good self discipline and am a very understanding person who seeks to understand others perspective. Sometimes I get angry with how strict and controlling my parents are but I still love them a lot and am thankful for all they do for me. When I see everyone glued to their technology I am thankful I wasn't raised that way and I wouldn't constantly hear what a respectful, caring, mature person I am from people I barely know if it wasn't for my parents strict hand. Parents are supposed to be strict, they are not supposed to give you everything you want on a silver platter, that's what friends are for, parents are to show their children tough love. A lot of kids these days think that because their parents are yelling at them and taking things away from them make them the most horrible, abusive people on the planet. They dont think what they have done is wrong and to me that is disgusting! I rather have strict parents then ones who dont give a damn

[9teen]

My parents were very strict, they became less strict towards me once I turned 18 and it is still getting lesser. I can´t relate to anything you wrote there except number one (That being said, I´m only stating that I´m an excellent actor, I hate lying, I also don´t lie anymore, in the past I only lied when necessary). I understand why they´ve been strict. Sure it was toxic at times but it shaped me into a good person and it made me stronger.
I however wouldn´t want to raise my future babies up the way they did because I suffered. I think there should be a healthy balance between freedom and rules. I still really love my parents though and I know they were strict towards me with good intentions and because they´re over-protective.

[RayvenSkyeFlye]

THANK YOU! My parents are extremely strict and I get into trouble a lot. But I don't bully and won't ever because I've been bullied and know how it feels. I can't lie very well either, but my sneaking is extreme and I've even ran away a few times. My parents don't let me do anything and I AM JUST being able to walk outside my neighborhood to my friends house and I am sixteen. I am hardly allowed to go to any parties, football games or anything because my parents are strict and overprotective. So thank you for letting me know it's not just me who shares this opinion

[Sinister]

I definitely grew up in a hellhole of a family unit where both parents where in a forced arranged marriage neither ever loved each other. They fought, beat each other, cussed at each other for 33yrs until they finally fucking divorced. Both happened to be very totalitarian in their style of being disciplined. I'm not about list everyway I was "disciplined" or any of the other forms of abuse I had received; none of it was sexual. But 1 for me is very true, 4 actually led to me being very self-disciplined & definitely 5. I've been through juvenile detention, anger management & counsel years later. I've been stunted in growth in all sorts of aspects.

[SomeStrangeGirl]

I have some of these issues cause my dad won't let me do anything hardly for myself, but I don't think I'm completely troubling or aggressive a lot. Although I try to be respectful I don't always act like it or sound like it. And my anger is increasing slowly. And I feel so bad about myself cause my friends want me to see them after school or something and I can't cause my dad locks me up in the house for the rest of the day. I'm never allowed to walk to places by myself or even go out the house without my dad's permission.

[BaronVonLongwype]

America is a nation full of dangerous child abuse and neglect. Unlike say N and W Europe the attitude is that it parents right to choose and detecting illegal depravities is stepping on abusers privacy and freedomsfreedoms. Additionally, America is a nation if psychopaths, sociopaths, and madmen so hurting people other than yourself is like a sport for violent, aggressive Americans.

I would never trust an American to know what strict, really it is disciplined, child raising is or if they know it to be able to execute it properly. Americans are some of the worst families, parents, and people in the world. I would not trust anything from them really.

[curiousnorway]

People in the US isn't the most strictest one. Middle-eastern, Asians and Africans tends to have a stricter parent culture.

[11110000bbbb]

You've Mastered Lying and Sneaking Around

Ok, yes I have. But I try not to do this.

You become Crazy Once you Move Out

I will actually spend my whole paycheck at whole foods. so yeah a bit crazy but I was to eat healthy lol

You Don't Understand Self Discipline

I can do this.

You Grow Up with Hate

I do the opposite because my grandma taught me things and how to treat people

Self-Disgust

Sometimes very true

You Can't Think for Yourself

Same as before my grandma taught me to do this

[11110000bbbb]

want*

[Anonymous]

I agree with everything... My parents are really strict and I don't want to accuse them but they made me feel insecure and afraid of everyone disgusted with myself because I just feel not food enough for them. Also I feel all the time that someone have me prisoner and when I have some moments of freedom I do stupid things. Only with first one I disagree now I'm thinking about it. I lied yes. But I do it because they force me to. If I told the truth they wouldn't understand and they would force me to do what they want. Lying is always easier. But I hate it.

[Safa_Malfoy]

This is something i really hate! parents should be your best friends not like people who you want to lie to, not someone you will grow to hate. like they said in the article above "parents are the most important people in there lives. kids will go wild ( like the person said above) if they have no self discipline.
parents should not be yelling or hitting at there children constantly for no absolute reason. now do not get me wrong a litter bit of strictness is a good thing! but it solely depends on how it is said.
parents should never ever ever ever in a million years deal with there children when they are angry! they should take time to relax, calm down and when finally when they are calm than deal with there children appropriately.

[JonhLemon]

1,4and 5 i agree with my parents used to beat me everyday when i was a kid and tell how i had ruined their lifes.( teen parents) but i did gre up to hate both of them, but my hate made me self disciplined bevause i didn't want to be like them, as for loosing control i did to a certain degree but calmed down. I got punished pretty much for everything so in the end i stopped giving a fuck and do to this day. Also i hate authority so that point doesn't describe me i have to say this sound like a helicopter-strict parent type more than strict

[Anonymous]

Actually, Strict parenting does the complete opposite of everything you said. It is the lack of parenting that creates fucked up children.
Which is why our society has gone to shit in the last 20 years.
It is why the majority of children with emotional issues, chemical dependencies, those who become homeless, abusive, depressed, suicidal, etc. come mostly from fatherless homes. Mothers do not discipline as well as fathers, they don't give children structure and guidelines like father do.
There are endless statistics on these which prove all you said is wrong.

[vishna]

Excellent MyTake, my mom wasn't super strict growing up but she had this thing were you couldn't question her decision and she wouldn't explain her decision. That makes 0 sense (my brain doesn't work this way) and puts a foot on the child's throat in my opinion because it shows, "My power is above reason. And you aren't worthy on common sense and communication"

[BipBipLeddus]

I think it was Sweden that came to these conclusions in like the 70s and banned corporal punishment outright. It's all just a detriment to the emotional well-being of a child. While discipline is important, it should be to give structure to a child, not to punish them for doing something that the parent finds annoying or inconvenient.