Search Results: body image

I can remember random things here and there, such as building a snowman one year and riding in a Barbie jeep with my sister, but there are huge gaps in my memory. Most of my memories don't start until the age of 10, and even then there isn't much to remember except for big, memorable events. Such as praying for my father to live and witnessing domestic violence at my mother's house (two separate households).

When I was 6 years old, my half-sister called the police one night and said my father molested her. At the time, on that day, I saw it happen, but I blacked out and didn't remember it until later in life. My mother said that my body was so limp she'd thought I had been drugged, because that's how much I blacked out; I left my body for a while. She took me to the hospital for a drug test and found nothing. By the way, my sister later said that she had been raped for 3 years by him. I never knew that.

So... I've come to terms with this memory, but there are still gaps in my memory. Huge ones. The other day, I saw pictures of me (at the age of 7 or so) completely naked. Pictures that my father took and had developed professionally. I was old enough to have remembered something like that, but the image didn't bring back any memories. None at all.

There's one more thing. When I was a kid, I played with dolls often, and I remember how I played with them. I've never known why, but I would imagine that one doll was raping the other or I was doing it to them. I'd also cut slits in the bodies of my Polly Pockets and stuff like that... Again, I don't know why or where the idea came from. It's just something I did.

Do you honestly think I've suppressed a trauma? It really bothers me that I can't remember anything...