Why I Shaved My Head, Threw Out My Makeup, and Gave Up on Chasing Beauty

[DairyCow]

A week ago, one would have looked at me and seen a typically appearance obsessed girl. My YouTube history is full of make up tutorials, I've mastered the art of a cut crease to hide my hooded eyes and I can make over lined lips look natural. I have hair extensions, my nails are always done. I have a tray full of fake eyelashes, a closet full of clothes. I spend 6 days a week in the gym.

And yet, with all the money I've forked out over the years, I found I hate myself more and more as I age. I understand that many women love make up for reasons other than to hide themselves, but I spend so much just to try and like myself more.

I think make up is wonderful, but there's something wrong when you're not doing it for fun or expression, or to enhance the parts of your face you love.

My vanity doesn't stem from self love. My sweat in the gym isn't because I wish to live a healthier life for longer. It's because I feel that if I don't have anything else going for me, the least I can do is try to grow my ass.

Now, I promise I'm not crazy. I regard myself as a rather logical and stable person. But one scroll through instagram has me dissecting myself in front of the mirror. Why am I so flat chested? Why is my waist so straight? Why aren't my hips round? Why are my lips thin, why does my body store fat evenly instead of in an hourglass manner like a "normal" girl? Remember that I tell you I'm sane when I tell you I've been to doctors begging for estrogen pills because I thought I must have meant to be born a man and wanted to undergo sex change therapy through pills despite having a vagina and a period. My blood tests are normal, so I guess I'm a girl.

This started a long time ago. When I was 8, I had a jar on the fridge where I'd put my pocket money. I was saving for a boob job. At 8 years old.

Around 12, my goals were different. Big booties weren't "in" and I just wanted to be skinny. I'd abuse laxatives and eat raw chicken breast trying to make myself sick to throw up my food. It never worked for some reason. We went to dinner for my mothers birthday and I overate. I felt so horrible that o went home and demolished a tray of rocky road slice that my mother had made. That set off bulimia.

A few years back, when the booties started becoming popular, I figured it was better to be skinny than try and compete. At least people would look at me and just see a skinny girl rather than some disfigured body shape that I thought I was. I don't have an hourglass figure. So, I stopped eating and started training in the gym for 4 hours a day. I lived on frozen carrots and egg whites. I pumped Redbull all day and smoked 40 a day.

So, I was skinny. I couldn't sit without a cushion and I got bed sores from my bones rubbing through my skin onto the mattress. My heart rate dropped down to 32 beats per minute and I just walked around like that. That heart rate was normal for me. As we're dizzy spells, anxiety in crowded places, shakes, hair loss and pins and needles in my left hand. I even tried to talk my partner into having a child because being pregnant meant I could eat without guilt. I didn't want a baby, I wanted permission to eat. Luckily, we couldn't do that anyway since I hadn't had a period in 9 months.

This was around the time I shaved my hair off. I'm not sure what happened there. I just got so frustrated about never being attractive. I felt that people dismissed my issues regarding body image and I get it. Not having a big booty isn't a reason to be suicidal but for some reason, it tore my life apart. Maybe the head shaving was a cry for help? "Look at me! I'm feeling so bad over something I KNOW is stupid but I'm going to do something so drastic you'll HAVE to realise how much I'm suffering!"

I eventually recovered. I realised that there's people out there without legs and here I was killing myself because I didn't have an hourglass body. And I got scared. I didn't want to die. Recovery was hard. Probably the hardest thing to accept was portion sizes. I wanted to eat and get better, but a normal plate of food looked like a whole weeks worth of food to me. Eating was painful, physically. But I remember the day I beat the disorder when I ate a piece of peanut butter-jelly toast.

Since, I've been a lot better. But things still get me down. Yesterday, I started crying in the gym. Thank god it was 5:00am and nobody else was there. It was because my ass and waist aren't curvy.

But this time, instead of going home and becoming a hermit again, losing my job and friends because I shut myself inside and want to wallow in my self hate, I gave up on it. I didn't want to feel bad. I was too tired for it. Let me tell you, even if depression has you spending all day in bed, it bloody takes it out of you. I just don't have the energy to fight myself anymore.

So, I decided I would give up. I'll let it win this time. I gave away all my make up, my hair extensions, my self tanner my hair tools. I got dressed and was out the door in half an hour because I didn't wear any make up and I just put on something sensible. I've found a new gym routine that focuses on strength instead of aesthetics. I'm going to start running. I love running, but I avoid it since it tends to slim out the legs.

And do you know what? I feel free. So freaking free.

I'm giving the finger to beauty and I'm going to focus on all the aspects of life that would usually be overshadowed. I want to go back and start studying online. I want to go out with friends and not be so hung up on how everyone looks better on me. I want to have sex with my partner without a shirt on, and I want to do the things in bed he has always wanted to do but I wouldn't do because I was worried how my body would look. I want to go to the beach with him and not feel insecure around girls in bikinis. I want to give him the attention he deserves for sticking with me through all this. I want a good income, I want to grow and thrive. It feels amazing.

The purpose of this MyTake was to share my own story through body acceptance. I know there are girls and guys out there who base their entire worth on their appearance. But can you imagine what we as a society could accomplish if we simply dropped all this bullshit? Imagine all the scientists, artists, activists and more that would crawl out of the woodworks if they stopped letting their never ending lusting after conventional beauty get in the way of what's important to them and the gifts they are blessed with? Imagine if we each learned to love ourselves and find joy in where we are right now? Imagine if we focused on improving everything else about ourselves. Imagine if we stopped gauging people's status via where they might lie on an attractiveness scale?

This Take was rather hard for me to write, but not as hard as it was to accept myself. Now, I'm out to find what I love and to excel in it ferociously. I hope the rest of you girls who don't look like Kylie Jenner will do the same. Life is too short. You won't lie on your death bed and think about how great your ass looked in GymShark leggings.

[GracefulCharm]

It must of been very stressful and draining to constantly worry about not being good enough. I hope what I share with you on how I feel good about myself, I hope it inspires you.

I focus on things that make me feel good that don't require the acknowledgement from others. Overtime I have noticed that my accomplishments have gave me acknowledgement and admiration from others. But those are only bonuses to the real benefits. The real benefit was seeing the improvement. To see myself progress into a better individual was the real reward.

I feel like a lot of people who exercise do it for their appearances. But if you exercise, you should focus on the gains in performance. For example, pushing yourself to run longer, sprint faster, lift heavier, or life more volume should give you a personal feeling that you are great.

In terms of fashion, I feel like you should dress to express yourself and how you feel. Focus more on conveying how you feel because you want to attract others who feel just like you. They would more likely have a compatible personality.

I feel like you have low self esteem and your attempts to fit in and impress others only highlighted this low self esteem even more. When you finally decided to stop focusing on other's acceptance and acknowledgement. You did the right thing, you started focusing on yourself instead.

I wish the best for you on your journey. Always focus on being a better version of yourself. You are on the right path now.

[DairyCow]

This comment truly makes writing this worth it because I feel that someone got exactly where I was coming from. I’m utilising all this advice and since writing this take I’ve been end enjoying life. I’ve been going out, reconnecting with friends an tmi, but my sex life is better and my partner is happier. I did take up running and I enjoy the gym instead dreading it.
I’m grateful for your empathy. I appreciate it.

[GracefulCharm]

I'm glad, I remember one lesson I had as a kid from a elementary teacher that has stuck with me for life.

"We don't become great so others can recognize we are great. We did it for ourselves and they see us as great but in truth, we see ourselves as needing to improve. That's how you become a great person. You have to want to improve."

[LittleSally]

For you, it seems, it's about deep insecurity rooted in something only you know... And with those kinds of cases it's difficult to get over it - unless you get rid of it all and start as tabula rasa - a blank slate...
Hopefully it really works for you!

Maybe you can write a mytake on your journey after a few years? =)

[DairyCow]

Thank you, that’s a great idea I’ll consider it!

[freakyzeaky]

Let's say a guy is willing to overlook the fact that a woman is overweight, or has small boobs, or any other attribute...

... will women overlook the fact that guy isn't bold, isn't always dominant, who sometimes doesn't assert himself, who sometimes acts shy?

This I feel is the same principle. Letting go is challenging because both sexes are told to be something different, that they aren't worth as they are, that they need to be more like "PUA Bob" or "10 out of 10, super hottie Jane". That if a guy doesn't have the guts to approach every woman he finds attractive, he must be weak. If a guy doesn't make her laugh every other sentence, he must be boring. A woman who approaches a guy or flirts first must be desperate. A woman who is overweight must not care about her looks and is boring in bed.

So many misconceptions, self-judgments, and assumptions that all lead to depression and inaction. We fail to accept ourselves so others fail to accept us. We shot ourselves before the other person (the whole world!) had the chance to decide if they wanted to shoot us down We listen to the haters and take their words as a truth stronger than our own. We yearn for validation, respect, and love, but we build walls rather than bridges.

[cipher42]

It's not really the same principle though. One is about valuing beauty, the other personality. Like they are both kind of arbitrary, but still different values. And tbh I think looks relate more to sexual attraction while behavior is more about romantic attraction

[freakyzeaky]

@cipher42 It would seem that even sexual attraction requires good rapport and a connection on a personal level. A person's manner and attitude can make them more attractive. Attraction is usually more than just physical, even in casual encounters.

[cipher42]

It can help, but sexual attraction can be completely independent of romantic or platonic feelings. Plenty of people want to fuck celebrities without ever having met them after all

[freakyzeaky]

@cipher42 entertaining the idea and actually doing it are two different things, but I get your point.

[cipher42]

All I mean is that if you want to draw a comparison, draw it between more compatible issues, like women's standards for mens looks (height, weight, muscles), not their personalities

[freakyzeaky]

@cipher42 well it is personality, charm, confidence, and humor that women look for in men, while men weigh looks far higher and are more simple when it comes to personality requirements / expectations.

[cipher42]

No? Men care about personality, and women care about looks. All genders care about all things, maybe to slightly different degrees, but even so.

[freakyzeaky]

@cipher42 the latter half of my post explains that all attributes for attractiom, whether physical or otherwise carry a sort of expectation or assumption. Same principle. Shallow is shallow, discerning is discerning.

[Anonymous]

Are you Asian descendent? Because most (all?) Chinese, Japanese and other Asian women do not have hourglass shapes.
Even in northern and eastern Europe women are not also hourglass-shaped. I know because I am, and that's not a good thing more times than not.
For one, juat looking at pants, fashion caters mostly for rectangular-shaped women. But I digress.

Maybe your issues also arose from being raised in a place where many people don't look like you. Having those start as early as 8 years old sounds quite crazy, but hey you seem to have been able to recover.
You can go to the gym, you can run, which you like.
That's great!!

I've been suffering from some health issues that no doctor can identify, feel tired more times than not and cannot even think about going to the gym - even though that could eventually strengthen my body. In other words, I don't look good nor can I do anything.
For that reason as well I'm really glad you can go up and go to the gym or run!!
Health is one of the most important things in life, with it you can work, study, start a family. That's the most important.

[DairyCow]

Unfortunately, I’m Greek. We’re meant to have some shape to us.
I’m sorry for your health issues. I truly hope your get them sorted soon,

[Opinion Owner]

Greek, that was unexpected, haha.
But like I said, we don't all have to look like Jessica Rabbit, and there are advantages and disadvantages in everything.

Thank you very much.

[lexythelou22]

I LOVE this MyTake!!! I've recently started counting calories (really hard because I practically live off of Dr. Pepper and I hate water) and walking as far as I can every night before I can't feel my fingers from the cold (with gloves on). I too myself it was for health reasons, as I am overweight and should be doing exercises and healthy eating anyway, but really I'm doing it because I hate that I'm fat. Aftr reading this I realized that I really should be focusing on my health and not how much farther my stomach reaches out than my boobs do. I'm going to stick to my plan because I do need to get healthy, but I'm going to stop making it into such a matter of drastic proportions. Thank you, and I'm proud of you for what you've accomplished ❤

[DairyCow]

Thank you! I’m so glad because this is what i wrote this for. I want all of us to focus on the non-physical stuff! I want us all to find better things to persue and to love about ourselves. Good luck in your journey, you’re beautiful:)

[lexythelou22]

Thank you ❤❤❤

[morningstar01]

Thank you so much for your story. Have you thought about blogging or making YouTube content. You have a story to tell and men and women of all ages who struggle with their self worth would really benefit from knowing your story.

I was the same as a teen. I had no friends and I thought if I became skinny I would become visible. After all years worth of bulimia and loosing weight, my social life never changed, in fact I became more antisocial.

I'm a lot better with my self image as a 25 year old woman. However the changes to my body that being pregnant has made has been difficult at times. I think it's very normal for a mum with young children to feel self conscious about her body with all the changes pregnancy make to it. I wish we would embrace the changes more though.
I'm struggling with what pregnancy had

[morningstar01]

... I'm struggling with what pregnancy has done to my boobs. I feel very self conscious when my partner and I make love because it's like he is screwing a grandma. I try to get away with wearing a top to hide them when we're being intimate. It's like not only do the droop, but they've decided that they want to be tiny too. When my partner and I watch movies with nudity, I can't help but to think he would prefer his female to have a big perky chest like the the extras who walk around topless.
I've even resorted to asking him to stop pointing out good looking female celebrities as I can't help but to compare myself to them. In all fairness he did that a lot in late pregnancy when I felt like a hideous whale.

It's really sad. I wish I could just own the fact I did the most beautiful duty by carrying his children and that the changes pregnancy makes to a body is just part of being a mother.

[DairyCow]

Jesus, I’m really sorry your partner made you feel like that, especially when you’re already coming from such a back ground.
THere are plenty of men out there that realise what a miracle childbirth is and of course you know that the majority of women on tv are made to look better than they are. I forget who said it but someone said that even models wish they could look like what they look like in magazines.
Don’t focus on your breasts which I’m sure are wonderful anyhow. Focus on your face, your legs your booty. ANything else you like about yourself. Your children. Try and get yourself out there and connect with other mothers.
I feel deeply for you cause I know how it feels and by God, it hurts like nothing else.

[ShesAmerican]

This person spent all of her time writing this and yet there are some stupid ass comments lmao, anyway I'm happy for you making this MyTake. We need to realize that just because a majority of people do a certain thing doesn't mean we should follow their footsteps, I believe all of us can do whatever the fuck we want and you doing these things shows how badass you are and you have more balls than half of the guys on this comment sections.

You sound like you have some high confidence and great potiental, and for those who are saying "so men should be free too?" Need to stfu lmao, we don't have to be told what to do and listen to what society has to tell us, If a girl wants to do something that may seem "abnormal" to others then let her be

[ShesAmerican]

section* we all have our likes and dislikes on certain things, I'm going to continue doing what I like to do just like everybody else, this isn't even a feminism topic like come on it's literally all about a girl who is proud of herself and wants to have fun and be free lmao

[DairyCow]

I’m so glad you understand the point of this MyTake, and while I of course respect everyone’s opinion because I’m aware that’s what I should expect, it does really show me that there’s some things only women will relate to.
Thanks for your kindness. I appreciate it.

[ShesAmerican]

That's true, keep doing what you're doing, shine don't let people take you down there's a lot of bitter people out there lmao and you are welcome

[Goochbreaker]

STOP. EATING. SUGAR
DRINK LOTS OF WATER
GET VIGOROUS EXERCISE (heart rate must remain high for extended periods of time)

Do those 3 things and NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. Hair, makeup, nails, real old fashioned straight dudes don't give a fuck they just want a healthy woman. If you follow those 3 steps with discipline I mean literally never eat sweets not even over the holidays control yourself cry about it whatever you will feel so good after living for this like a year and you will look better than any makeup or superficial shit could ever make you look.

[DairyCow]

It goes much further than this. I knew a girl who everyone thought was perfect. Fit and beautiful. She commit suicide shortly afterward high school apparent because of body image issues.

[Goochbreaker]

that's psychotic... there are a lot of reasons to commit suicide in the modern age though it was probably a buildup of things

[MlleCake]

Your body is not an apology. I hope you know you have always been beautiful, and always will be beautiful

I am very sad anyone ever let you feel otherwise, or fed you messages that you weren't. I am sorry you did not get positive messages about your worth as a person.

This is a very self revealing take. Very brave.

I wish you a journey of self-love.

[DairyCow]

Thank you kindly for your compassion. Thinking back, I relate a lot of these issues to my mother. I don’t think we can hold our parents accountable for our feelings but I’m sure to keep in mind the way I act around children when it comes to body image, now. Even if I don’t love myself, around children I’m the most confident person in the world.

[N2thing]

Then you´ve got me, not caring about my appearance at all as long as I´m clean and healthy since childhood. Whoever is going to love me, is going to love me for me. I don´t see the point to spend time, money and effort to prove who? guys? A guy is going to see my natural face anyway so why not already show it off instead of giving him a heart attack? Proving other girls? Why should I? I couldn´t care less.
My flaws are aesthetic.

[DairyCow]

That’s what I aspire to be like.

[themetalhead]

rock on gurl! that's really bad ass. so many women these days worry so much about their appearance. I don't worry so much about mine simply because I don't care much about what others think of me, because its all opinions and never fact. plus true beauty lies within.

[DairyCow]

Thank you! You’re so right. While it’s great to feel good on the outside, we really do forget that it’s only skin deep.

[DaTruth01]

i have to stop you for a minute "Now, I promise I'm not crazy. I regard myself as a rather logical and stable person" first of all that sentence is wrong, very very wrong and you know that, what you did and went through was not normal nor natural you were chasing something that doesn't exist.

I always see men with great bodies and getting that kind of body means 4-5 days at the gym, a very strict diet and schedule that is simply put a pain in the ass... iam not fat but not skinny either just average build, and honestly? everyone tells me i look good and i dont need to change and its not really making girls dislike me or anything, if its good no need to change it.

[cipher42]

Logical people can still be susceptible to mental illness, and be mentally stable and intelligent outside if the area that their mental illness affects.

[DairyCow]

Cipher42 said it best

[amel23]

Thank u a lot that was the most beautiful take I have ever read in my life tbh and yes I want to give the finger to beauty and appearance all they do is suck ur life away thank u

[amel23]

I can't express how beautiful is this take

[DairyCow]

Thank you so very much ❤️❤️❤️

[JustAnotherGirlie]

I’m glad you’re working on yourself. It’s hard to overcome bulimia and other disorders that distort your body image. I commend you and more people need to hear your story. It’s important

[DairyCow]

Yeah, anorexia was pretty horrible and it honestly never leaves you. Sometimes you miss it. You just miss how easy life was because all you had to focus on was your calories burned you have the power to decide whether you’re going to have a good day or not. It’s kind of calming

[Epilog]

What you do with your life is completely up to you.
With that said, guys aren't attracted to head shaven women, who've let themselves go.

Feel free to not shower for days. That's your right.
But by the same token, if you smell like shit and totally let yourself go, employers have a right to not hire you.

Pls stop with these "enlightened" threads encouraging women to let themselves go and be "free", whatever that means. Should men "let themselves go" and play video games all day, stop building anything and waste life leeching off society? It's the male equivalent of what you've done.

[ShesAmerican]

we can and we will have our free wills lmao

[DairyCow]

Why do you think this take has anything to do with male attention? I’ve enjoyed in a relationship for years anyhow anyhow, with a guy who’s who loved me enough to do everything he could to get me help.
I didn’t say I’d let myself go. In the gym, I’ve switched to a dif fernt routine Th different goals. I still shower?
This take wasn’t about letting myself go, but to hopefully encourage women to free themselves from impossible standards. I wasn’t telling them to stop working out and showering, but to work on things other than their butt and realise they’re worth more than bloody Huda Beauty’s foundation line

[bubble_tea]

Good luck on your journey! I'm also glad to hear you have found a wonderful partner who supports you.

[DairyCow]

He truly is a blessing

[oddwaffle]

Yeah it's time people need to realize the truth. While society decides whether it likes your look or not, it is ultimately you who decides if the society's opinion is worth considering or not.

Sure you look fat. Sure you are boobless. Sure you aren't perfect. They are all true. But so what? As long as you're happy with yourself then it wouldn't matter.

Still a good idea to stay fit though. It makes people get friendly with you and you generally live longer and healthier lives.

[DairyCow]

That’s the thing, women and men who feel like this already know that everyone’s opinion of them doesn’t matter and that adds them feeling weak because rational people cry themselves to sleep over something they know is trivial. I really think it has a lot to do with childhood. Take religion for an example. MOst religious people have been taught from childhood that religion is truth and even if they can see flaws in it, they can’t see it with a rational mind because it’s ingrained in them. Now replace religion with instagram models, fashion magazines, and music videos.

[demonics]

metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/.../...d-o-connor.jpg

The inevitable conclusion of lying to yourself.
"Red Pilled Feminist"

[DairyCow]

I don’t get it?

[Kai02]

I love this so much. I'm only 15 but I already am tired of this, and want to do what you've done; put what makes me happy over what makes me pretty.
BUUUUTT my mother says that beauty is more important and happiness is temporary and won't let me so...

[DairyCow]

Honey, it's the opposite of what your mother says. :)
Make up and beauty is fine, just don't get so used to it that you forget how beautiful your face is without it. Focus on the stuff that will last.

[Krumpir]

You may have cut your hair, but that won't change a thing. You were weird AF since young age (8 years old wants a boob job? Parents what were you doibg?)

[DairyCow]

Parents whom I believe were the roots of the issue. I haven’t spoken to my mother in a year and since things have been improving for me

[Gedaria]

It comes across to me that a lot of lasses put makeup on to please others wether to be acceptable to peers or look sexy for men. Why don't they do it for themselves. I love the natural look minimal makeup !!!

[Anonymous]

<3 You go girl. I stuggle with my weight. I hate my body. I just gave up. No one cares but me. Good luck.

[DairyCow]

Nobody cares unless you’re pretty or dying, right?
I get how you feel. Totally. But after writing this take I’ve really come to realise that it’s for the most part, all in our heads. Our appearance doesn’t represent who we are on the inside.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, that's exactly how I feel. That's true!