Search Results: coming out of the closet

so i have reach my early twenties am i am very tierd of life. i want to go out aand have fun but im not allowed to. I have lived my whole doing the right thing. even though i was never looking for a reward in doing the right thing but i was hoping for a bright future but things turned out for the worst.
for starters i did not grow to a acceptable height. i only reached 5 foot 6 as a result I have had a lot of problems with women. it not so much as the actual height but my race along with it that makes it a problem. i try going out with people but i always feel alone. i have been in several groups were the girls hated me and have even lied on me. its like im hated just for existing. i tried to ask girls out but I am never appealing to them. when I asked them why they would metion my height. even small girls (4"11') treat me the same way. I am the clown of almost every group i am in, not by choice but because that is waht the majority allows. a clown to be laughed at. I pleaded to god to change me just so I could know what love is. But he has done nothing. my entire life has been nothing but pain. I thought that it would get better. It feels like I desirve to be treated this way simply because I am not considered attrative or tall enough.
lately a voice has been coming into my head. telling me things like "you can't have fun with people" "thats not how you are allowed to have fun". "i would see vision of me killing poeple or sacrificing my life to hurt others. "this is how you have fun""this is how you are allowed to play". i feel like the closet relationship i can have with a girl is if they are dead. recently i started luaghing with the voice out in public. I know im losing my mind. i know i am walking towards the darkness but what dose the light have to offer me? judgement that is the only thing life offers me. am starting to not care if i hurt i kill people. in fact i almost want to. I give me whole life to be god for five minutes to dicide who lives and who dies.