Questions: Religion & Spirituality

Higher love, as in... let's say your significant other ignores you, and tries to control you and doesn't care to get to know you, judges you a lot and treats you with hate BUT in your mind there is a "higher love" that cares about you, doesn't ignore you and pays attention to what you like and what you say, doesn't judge you and is kind about how to guide you/teach you the way of love...

I don't know... some times I feel like my religion is "crazy". I am a Christian. My mom/sister and other mean people at school used to say terrible things to me, and do terrible things to me. I used to go into this "la la land" where there is this God in heaven that cares for me and is loving towards me. He is kind to me, is patient with me and teaches me wisdom. It's all in my head though. But when reality hits, it's hard and painful. My mom hates me. She judges me every thing I do is wrong. I am ugly and worthless to her. Reality really hurts, so I go back to my "la la land" where this higher love loves me.

Is that crazy? I've been doing this with my husband as well. He ignores me, doesn't pay attention to me and gets angry at me for pointing that out (he doesn't know my favorite food or my favorite animal but I know his). He cares little for my feelings (but I care about his and what he wants). So I pretend it's ok that he treats me terrible and abuses me a lot, because I am loved by this higher love.

Is that crazy? But it keeps me from going insane. It keeps me from depression I guess. It keeps me from hating people, and it keeps me from divorce and doing hateful things to myself or God.

I would never, I’m Muslim that’s it. I’ll only ever marry a Muslim too as it’s a request from Allah and TBH interfaith marriages cause a lot of chaos. But I would never marry someone who just convert for me, because he does not believe and it won’t save him on judgement day if he is not genuine in believing in God.